Disability for Bipolar claim not going well, need advice

My husband of 5 years has bipolar disorder, ADHD, Severe Depression, is now over 465lbs, severe sleep apnea, etc. Two year ago after constant panic attacks, medication changes, rapid cycling sometimes multiple times a week, because of stress trying to work his 7th job in 5 years we have had to face the reality that he is not capable of working any job. The last one he had a panic attack (we thought it was a heart attack) the day he handed in his notice to leave for medical reasons. The jobs he's had for the past several years have been ones I have found for him through friends or my own work and I have had to constantly be on call 24/7 to talk him down, calm his paranoia or anxiety, etc to the point where I was having to leave my work to see him on his breaks to calm him so he could finish the shift. Even with my constant help and support he still had disagreements with coworkers, fell asleep from side effects of medications, couldn't focus or follow boss instruction, was convinced coworkers were conspiring against him constantly, etc that resulted in constant reprimands and job losses. Basically, he would try to hold it together mentally just to get through a work day with my constant help and then he would break down at home with either panic attacks, anger, be depressed, or sleep constantly. We applied for disability initially and were basically told that yes they agreed he has a disability but since he has an associates degree with computers he should be able to do something even if its not full time??? At this point he has tried every type of job, every shift time, every type of work week, etc tried disclosing and asking for accommodations, and even tried not disclosing his illness and nothing works. For the past year I have had to work two jobs (one full time, one part time) seven days a week to pay for his medical insurance and medical care out of pocket. His medical costs alone total roughly 10 to 13 thousand a year easily. Since he has not worked in the past two years he has not had panic attacks at home, he does two chores per day that I have to remind him about, and takes his medicine. Without any pressures, etc he still cycles constantly but can manage his moods much better and no longer has violent episodes at home. We made the decision to apply for disability and his current psychiatrist is supportive of it. He has been told by multiple psychiatrists that he cycles faster/more frequently than either most or all of their patients they’ve ever had. We really need the stable medical care for him since the private insurance market is constantly changing and he can’t keep going through all these dr and medication changes. Also, I can’t work 75 hours a week forever or my own health will suffer quite frankly. Recently, Disability determination services arranged for a mental and physical evaluation. I took him to the mental evaluation, the dr wouldn’t let me in the room with them for it, the medical one I was able to be in the room to observe and I’m pretty upset about it really…. I realized that my husband has not been telling these doctors all the problems that he has on a daily basis. And in some cases he has been keeping things from doctors because he doesn’t think its their business to know or he doesn’t want to be put in the hospital. I was shocked to hear him tell the doctor that his bipolar is “tolerable” ! I couldn’t correct him or butt in because I didn’t want the doctor to think I was telling my husband what to say but it was really hard to hold my tongue. When I asked my husband why he didn’t tell them about having days where he can’t sleep or has to sleep all the time because of mania or depression, has bone pain from the medicine, can’t remember the proper year or a conversation 15 minutes ago because of Topamax, has constant passive suicidal thoughts, barely manages to get two simple chores done in a 12 hour period even with reminders, etc. can’t stand or sit without pain, can’t have access to money, has trouble even going to the bathroom, blacked out and nearly strangled me on impulse for no reason during the last medication change, has no friends because he can’t maintain any relationships….I could go on and on. Even his family knows that if it weren’t for me the past few years he would either be in jail, in a mental hospital, or have committed suicide. I broke down in tears because I know the personal hell that he goes through with his bipolar and how much of a strain it puts on both of us and yet to that dr yesterday it looked like my husband was just fine. Maybe it was pride, ego, denial, embarrassment, self-sabotage, that made him hide his problems for two hours I don’t know??? He’s in denial himself about how bad it is and tries to hide how bad it is around others than gets upset and has an episode if I try to talk to him about how bad it is and how he needs to be more open with the evaluators even if he is embarrassed. Does anybody have any insight on this or suggestions of how to proceed if he gets denied again? I just don’t know what to do anymore all the struggles for the past several years have been kept private so I don’t have documented proof of most instances. I’m afraid that if we get denied and go to the hearing process then even though me, his parents, and my friends/family can witness and give examples or his problems that when they talk to him he’s just going to say that its not that bad even though it is or he’s going to get angry and have an episode at the hearing. I’m at the point where I’m stuck…part of me wants to just end the marriage to preserve my own health and well being if he’s going to just sabotage any attempt to get help or take some burden off of us/me…but at the same time I need to get his disability approved for him or if I do leave I doubt his parents can handle him anymore and he won’t have any money or ability to work so he won’t have a way to have his meds and he’ll end up on the street, dead, or in a mental ward….I can’t live with the guilt of setting those events in motion.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Have you considered hiring a lawyer for the disability claim? I know many of them will take the case without being paid until disability kicks in.

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Sadly one cannot help anyone, no matter how much we may wish to do so if they're not helping themselves. It's impossible. The inevitable is already in motion and you had nothing to do with it. My advice is that you do what you can, give him a reality kick in the head, but for your mental health, I would strongly suggest you seek a counsellor not only to deal with the present but also the seemingly inevitable.You most certainly should not suffer in guilt or shame. See a counsellor. My best wishes for you both.

Thank you very much for your thoughts and support. I took your advice and I'm looking into support groups through NAMI for our area for myself and I think if I find others going through this in my area I will ask around for recommendations on a disability lawyer.

A "mental ward" sounds like the right place for your husband to sort out his problems, including his problem of not being honest about his daily life.

I think for both of your sake, you should tell your husband the way it is:

You cannot continue to carry the whole burden forever; he needs to be honest with all medical personnel or you will be; you're not going to continue in this crisis mode anymore; and the two of you are to come to some firm steps to take or you are going to start planning a life without him (because the reality is that divorce or death is inevitable if he continues the way he is.

How was he before you married? What has changed and why? It's worth it to put the time into figuring that out.

If he cannot maintain paid employment that doesn't mean he has to be almost 500 lbs; and he should be caring for the home if you are out working.

As part of the SSDI application process, did he list you as a contact person that knows him well? They will call you and that will be an opportunity to accurately describe how well he functions on a daily basis.

Not sure how this works. Won't a letter from the mental health team suffice?

[QUOTE=justafriend306;5143082]Not sure how this works. Won't a letter from the mental health team suffice?[/QUOTE

Short answer: No.

When I applied part of the application was to include contact info for a person that is familiar with the applicant's day-to-day living. I was married when I applied so I listed my husband. They called him and asked a lot of questions about me. Many of the questions were ones I answered on the application. They wanted to also get the opinion and observations from my husband. All concerning daily life activities. Like can she cook a simple meal? Can she shop for groceries on her own, what does she do during the day, can she count change, dress herself, etc.

Any medical documentation - they want it. No matter if it's a sprained ankle and the main reason you are applying is for bipolar disorder, for example.
The want copies and you just list your health care providers, any hospitals, etc. They contact them and get your records - the applicant just needs to say where they received treatment.

My psychiatrist and therapist did submit letters of their own ... I never saw them or knew what they said, but those letters are very important but not enough. They want your entire medical history. And to talk to the applicant's contact person that is familiar with the applicant's day to day life.

That was how it worked in 2009. There may have been some changes but medical records from treatment providers are critical.

I just got my first denial today.
I had 5 years of medical records and doctors support and an attorney.
Im not sure the logic behind it.
But were appealing it so hopefully good news in the future. I applied in April i believe.

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Don't lose hope! Make sure your attorney files to appeal on time.

I belong to a local bipolar support group that has a lot of members. Most of them can't work and were denied SSDI the first time and more. However, their attorney kept advocating and fighting their case so they could get approved. For
Some people it was a long process. However, the vast majority eventually got approved. Hang in there.

Meanwhile, it is very important for you to keep going to your pdoc, take meds, do therapy, etc. TELL your pdoc and therapist when you are unwell or a med is not working.

If you can financially swing it, do not work. Or work part-time. But not working is best - take a hard look at your financial situation and cut back on spending to keep you financially stable. Check out books from your library on tips on saving money. There is a lot you can so, you'd be surprised, I think.

Also, this is a time where if you feel suicidal at any time ... go to the hospital. Don't struggle through it at home.

If you work full time during the appeal process, your proving that you are not disabled.

Please don't take this as legal advice. Your attorney is your advocate with experience ... I wanted to give you a layperson's observations of several years of knowing people with bipolar disorder and going through the SSDI process. Keep us posted.

I was approved the first time so I have no direct experience on appeals, etc. I just know denial the first time is extremely common yet most ultimately are approved and you'll get retro back pay.

I have hope for you. Pam me anytime. Keep us posted! xo

Ricatx, how are things? Any updates? xo