I grew up during a time, in a place, & with a family where sex simply was not talked about. It was considered dirty. And talking about it was vulgar. I was an only child of a middle aged couple. Most of the family members I spent time with were born in the late 19th century. So the values I grew up with were those of small town America in the late 1800's.

I began wearing my mother's clothes while still very young. I learned, at a very early age, that this was something I must never talk about. So I didn't. Over the years I developed two personalities. Outwardly I grew up as a normal male child. But inwardly dwelt a secretive mentally ill young girl. I have come to see her as my fraternal twin sister. She did not develop physically. But her consciousness dwells within my male body along with me. However, since she has been trapped within my male body for decades, she is now psychotic. She must be kept locked away in a padded cell for her own protection... and for mine. Were she to be let out, or to escape, who knows what vengeance she might seek.

She is heavily medicated. So she sleeps much of the time. But she does have passing moments of lucidity. When she does I will sometimes try to talk with her and to provide her with some comfort. Sometimes she just drifts off back to sleep. Sometimes she becomes agitated and begins yelling obscenities at me. It's not unusual for her to be awake late at night. And so, in the depth of the night, when all is quiet and I am lying awake in bed, I will hear her screaming... and scratching at the padded walls of her cell...

[Frankbtl]

Hi Skeezyks, OK I've got to really apologize if I'm way out here, but it's sounding to me like your twin is a part of you that you've found it really hard to acknowledge, face, accept, feel empathy for??
I'm sure all of us have denied/buried/tried to disown hopes, dreams, fears, pain, desires, wishes before because if they came to the surface............and particularly with your background, your "indoctrination" into...........it must be SO hard to "stand up" and recognize/believe that "different" doesn't have to be "wrong", "bad", "abnormal".
And the views you have of this other part yourself are as likely to be as much other people's views. Other people who just can't face/accept there can be far more colors/differences/diversity in the world than they have chosen to live with/see as "normal" and that can be a very good/empowering/positive thing.
So do you think maybe the labeling of "mentally ill", "psychotic" you're putting on that part of yourself may be just a little "harsh", the labels other much less enlightened people (to put it diplomatically!! ) may use.
To me that part of you seems more to be crying out for the compassion, empathy, understanding, acceptance, love that it deserves. Maybe it's expressing torture, confusion, pain, distress, frustration, anger, discomfort..........but being locked away, being disassociated with, being "looked down on" has to hurt.
So maybe allow that part of you the freedom to breathe, the freedom to be itself, the freedom to live, the freedom to feel and be "whole", the freedom to be a "true" and valued part of who you are.
I'd say that part of you, as well as the whole of you, really needs understanding, acceptance and caring for the unique mix of special, individual qualities that make you YOU.
And while it's really important that you can begin to do that for yourself, you know that we are here to give you that as well!!
Here for you
Alison