Signposts Along the Downhill Slide...

Every March & April, I head downhill on a toboggan, so to speak. It's become an annual tradition. I can feel it coming on strong, now. I become more depressed & have even less energy than I usually have. I begin to feel a sort of pressure in my head as though it were being tightened in a vice

I don't believe in god or life after death. I accept the explanation for the existence of life on earth that is provided by the theory of evolution. But one sure sign that I'm heading downhill mentally is I begin to think that perhaps there could be such a thing as reincarnation. And, if there is, this means I could possibly come back as the girl I always felt I should have been. Then I think... besides even if there isn't such a thing as reincarnation, if I were dead, at least I wouldn't have to continue to live the confused, tortured life I've lived all these years. So why not put an end to it? What do I have to lose? You can see where this train of thought leads...

I'm SO tired of dealing with this day after day after day after... Sometimes I think I just can't stand it another minute! But then the rest of the time I just sink back into dull acceptance... "Oh, what the hell..." Yup... it's springtime

Hi Skeezyks, promise I'm not stalking you- answered on another of your threads!! And again really apologize if I'm way off!!
It sounds really hard for you, just knowing that this is coming and not (or hardly?) being able to control it. Maybe the two things interlinking for you, both the depression and the "identity"/gender issue?
With the gender issue though you mentioned that you'd cross-dressed in the past and while maybe this felt right to you (?) other people's views had overpowered that. Well you know I'm just another voice saying if it feels right..............So do you think it would help you to return to that without the negative voices going on in your head??
I don't know whether gender reassignment would be a possibility for you?? or even if it's something you'd want!! But perhaps at least hormone treatment (in any form) might be a possibility??
I'm guessing you might find it hard to discuss with someone/a professional but you've got to have picked up things on here that tell you it's not unusual, it's not something to hide, it's not something you need to feel ashamed (?) about. I know that can be hard to believe if you're "in the middle of it" but.............
And alongside that maybe a therapist could help, and not only with that but with the interlinking depression too (if you're not already seeing one?).
But you know that we're around for you too!! And if you can just do whatever you can day by day you know you have support, advise, suggestions, understanding here and that this will get better...a couple of months you said?
And in the "bigger picture" maybe we can help with some of the underlying difficulties for you, the one's you're finding hard throughout the year??
Best wishes
Alison

Hi Alison: Thanks for your replies to my two posts! I very much appreciate it. I'm planning to write another post today. Hopefully it will touch on a number of the fine points you've made in your replies. Actually... stalk me as much as you like and no, you're not off base at all. My best wishes to you!