[kraken1851]

Trigger warning for massive dysphoria, mention of SI, sui ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________



So as you can see from the accumulated trigger warnings this did not really improve my state of mind.

I hadn't planned to tell him, but I couldn't stop crying this morning and he wanted to know what the matter was. I couldn't lie to him, but now I wish I had. Instead of one unhappy, hurting person, we are now two. Well done, kraken. He hasn't let on much, but I read confusion, hurt, worry in his face.

After a few days of feeling hopeful and at peace, I'm now in a much worse place than before. Because I have realized that with every step I would take to feel more whole, I would move one step further away from him. And I don't think I can do that, because he deserves better.
I will never ever be whole. Just mismatched parts. Sui thoughts and SI are back. The pain in my legs and fatigue are back full force.

Sorry for this, I had to vent

i feel for you, hang in there. You did the right thing.

[Rand.]

(((((((kraken))))))))

Wow, this sounds really hard for you right now Hang in tight...

[kraken1851]

Thank you guys. I stopped crying and being mega sui. Just numb now. Which is probably better...

Sometimes, it's too much to handle and you cried, maybe things will get better soon and he will understand. I can't speak for your husband, but he must have known something was wrong. You didn't just wake up one day and cry. things were leading up to this. Like others said, hang in there, you can't keep a painful secret forever.

[kraken1851]

Thank you!

I don't think he will understand. To me it looks like I can choose to transition or save my marriage. The catch is that I think my life is worthless anyway, and if one of us should be unhappy, it's me. Which is a distortion, I know, but that's how I (mal)function.
He did so much for me. We've been together for 14 years. We had planned to spend the rest of our lives together. I'm destroying all of this.

Sorry for the negativity, I'm finding it hard to focus on positive things at the moment...

Originally Posted by kraken1851

Thank you!

I don't think he will understand. To me it looks like I can choose to transition or save my marriage. The catch is that I think my life is worthless anyway, and if one of us should be unhappy, it's me. Which is a distortion, I know, but that's how I (mal)function.
He did so much for me. We've been together for 14 years. We had planned to spend the rest of our lives together. I'm destroying all of this.

Sorry for the negativity, I'm finding it hard to focus on positive things at the moment...

I feel the same way Kraken....

just a few days ago, I nearly gave up, I never wanted to back here, but I am.

I'm not married yet, so I feel the same way about my parents, they've supported me for 23 years now, and I feel that if there's someone that needs to be unhappy, it should me and not the both of us, besides I'm not sure if I'll ever be happy, whatever I do.

Enough of the negativity,

Think about the positives, you finally let go of your secret, that's some weight off your shoulders, after the initial shock, it might just be for the better for the both of you. I hope it is.

[kraken1851]

I'm glad I'm not alone in all of this.

Again, thank you all for your encouragement!

Originally Posted by kraken1851

I'm glad I'm not alone in all of this.

Again, thank you all for your encouragement!

Let us know what happens.

You will always be understood here, we know what you're going through, even if the rest of the world doesn't.. One thing that's for sure

Originally Posted by kraken1851

Trigger warning for massive dysphoria, mention of SI, sui ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________



So as you can see from the accumulated trigger warnings this did not really improve my state of mind.

I hadn't planned to tell him, but I couldn't stop crying this morning and he wanted to know what the matter was. I couldn't lie to him, but now I wish I had. Instead of one unhappy, hurting person, we are now two. Well done, kraken. He hasn't let on much, but I read confusion, hurt, worry in his face.

After a few days of feeling hopeful and at peace, I'm now in a much worse place than before. Because I have realized that with every step I would take to feel more whole, I would move one step further away from him. And I don't think I can do that, because he deserves better.
I will never ever be whole. Just mismatched parts. Sui thoughts and SI are back. The pain in my legs and fatigue are back full force.

Sorry for this, I had to vent

Hello my dear Kraken: I'm so sorry about this development. I know exactly what you're going through. I have said before I basically have two choices: I can transition & destroy my marriage, & what remains of my wife's life, or I can stay as I am & hope my body gives out before my willpower does.

I wish you all the best as you sort out this difficult situation. Any time you want to commiserate feel free to PM me.

[kraken1851]

y'all

[kraken1851]

Hey everyone,

time for an update. I'm still shaky and feel desperate, but generally I feel just numb most of the time, which isn't the worst thing I suppose. So after my realization I was trans I felt at peace, almost for the first time in my life. I had this vision of what I needed to do to become "whole". I was brought back to reality after talking to my h. On top of everything else, I'm now very nostalgic for these few days of peace that I was granted. I wish they had lasted longer.

I'm still panicking a lot about what is going to happen now. Meanwhile, h did what he did after I came out to him as nb - gone back to normal, as if I had never said anything. To some extent this is reassuring, but it is also debilitating. I want to know what his thoughts and feelings are. I don't want him to think that all of this is simply going to go "away" if we don't mention it (any of this sound familiar, Skeezyks?). He has never been one to communicate his feelings, but I'm worried that this time this will make things even more difficult.

As far as I can tell, he also hasn't started researching about transgender stuff. I have ordered a book that I intend to give to him, which explains the basics of trans*. Hopefully that can help to get our conversations about the topic going.

I have also found a support-network close to where I live. There's a forum/online community, but people also meet up in person. People there encouraged me to suggest to my h to sign up as well and start exchanging with other SOs of trans* people. The thing about the community is, it's mostly composed of older mtf folks and often their wives. It's a great community and everyone is lovely, but there isn't a single bio-male there who is partner of an ftm. I have a feeling that this would make the whole thing even scarier to my h.

I wish it wasn't another two weeks before I see my t again. I really need to talk to him

Originally Posted by kraken1851

Hey everyone,

time for an update. I'm still shaky and feel desperate, but generally I feel just numb most of the time, which isn't the worst thing I suppose. So after my realization I was trans I felt at peace, almost for the first time in my life. I had this vision of what I needed to do to become "whole". I was brought back to reality after talking to my h. On top of everything else, I'm now very nostalgic for these few days of peace that I was granted. I wish they had lasted longer.

I'm still panicking a lot about what is going to happen now. Meanwhile, h did what he did after I came out to him as nb - gone back to normal, as if I had never said anything. To some extent this is reassuring, but it is also debilitating. I want to know what his thoughts and feelings are. I don't want him to think that all of this is simply going to go "away" if we don't mention it (any of this sound familiar, Skeezyks?). He has never been one to communicate his feelings, but I'm worrie. d that this time this will make things even more difficult.

As far as I can tell, he also hasn't started researching about transgender stuff. I have ordered a book that I intend to give to him, which explains the basics of trans*. Hopefully that can help to get our conversations about the topic going.

I have also found a support-network close to where I live. There's a forum/online community, but people also meet up in person. People there encouraged me to suggest to my h to sign up as well and start exchanging with other SOs of trans* people. The thing about the community is, it's mostly composed of older mtf folks and often their wives. It's a great community and everyone is lovely, but there isn't a single bio-male there who is partner of an ftm. I have a feeling that this would make the whole thing even scarier to my h.

I wish it wasn't another two weeks before I see my t again. I really need to talk to him

OMG. Kraken... is it possible your H & my W could be long lost fraternal twins? This is exactly the reaction I got & am still getting. When I first "opened the door to my closet", so to speak, I gave my W a copy of the book: True Selves to read. She said she read it. So I asked her if she had any questions. She said: "no". That was it. End of "discussion".

Over time, I've come to wonder if maybe in some way or other this is my fault. But I just don't know. I do know my W is a world-class denier. Anything she prefers not to acknowledge, she just pretends isn't there. And in all honesty, I would have to admit this strategy has worked for her for many years. Had it not, she & I would probably not be married. Maybe we never would have been.

I also know what you mean about the nostalgia. I'm certain I've written about this in previous Threads on this Forum. But, about... oh... 4 or 5 years ago now... I guess it was, I stumbled onto my first trans video on YouTube. I was dazzled! It was a picture-montage video of an MtF person's transition from childhood up to the point she had made the video. And there, on my computer screen, was my life laid out before me, struggle-by-struggle.

To suddenly find someone else who had experienced the same struggles I had stunned me. I wish, every day, I could go back to that moment. Unfortunately the video is gone from YouTube & the individual who uploaded it no longer makes videos. I do, however, have the song she used stored in a playlist on my channel: "Nobody Knows Me at All" by the Weepies. Actually... as I think of it, I think I'll open a Thread here & put in a link to it in case anyone's not familiar with it.

I would recommend caution with regard to taking your H to that group. Seeing as how I am biologically male, I do have some small insight into the male psyche. And, let me tell you, it is twisted & fragile! My suggestion would be to offer the group to him. But. if he declines, or if he goes once but then declines to return, don't push it. Given that the group is all MtF rather than FtM, this could be extremely uncomfortable for your H.

Personally, if your H is open to it, I would think some individual counseling, to be followed up with some couples counseling, might be the way to go. I have wished my W would do this. But she absolutely refuses to participate in anything of this sort for any reason. She's simply not a person who is comfortable sharing her feelings. I can relate to this. I used to be the same way. My mental health struggles have forced me to change.

[kraken1851]

Hi Skeezyks,
heh, they do sound very alike our SOs

Although I must say that among h's first reactions when the topic was still "open" was to go see my therapist together. I'm totally taking him up on that. So he was signaling a willingness to talk. I truly believe he will try to make things work even if I decided I need to transition. I'm worried that he'll be unhappy as a result, and that eventually we will fall apart.

All of this is guesswork, but I'm thinking that he would probably still care for me regardless of my gender (maybe love me, but I've never been able to imagine that anyone could love me, female-bodied or not, so that's beyond my grasp). He will probably not desire me anymore, but sex isn't really an important pillar of our relationship, so I'm not as concerned about this.
The biggest issue I see is that if I were to transition, we would ultimately be perceived as a homosexual couple. It's something that even I struggle with, because the thought is so new. Having not understood who I am, I always labeled myself heterosexual.
I grapple with this one, and I'm assuming that for him it must be a lot more difficult and threatening. I'm also imagining it could cause him to question his masculinity somehow - and that's one reason why I'm worried about sending him to an all female group for support. I have this feeling he needs to talk these things over with a guy. Preferably one who has faced the same situation, but that will probably be difficult.

Originally Posted by kraken1851

Hi Skeezyks,
heh, they do sound very alike our SOs

Although I must say that among h's first reactions when the topic was still "open" was to go see my therapist together. I'm totally taking him up on that. So he was signaling a willingness to talk. I truly believe he will try to make things work even if I decided I need to transition. I'm worried that he'll be unhappy as a result, and that eventually we will fall apart.

All of this is guesswork, but I'm thinking that he would probably still care for me regardless of my gender (maybe love me, but I've never been able to imagine that anyone could love me, female-bodied or not, so that's beyond my grasp). He will probably not desire me anymore, but sex isn't really an important pillar of our relationship, so I'm not as concerned about this.
The biggest issue I see is that if I were to transition, we would ultimately be perceived as a homosexual couple. It's something that even I struggle with, because the thought is so new. Having not understood who I am, I always labeled myself heterosexual.
I grapple with this one, and I'm assuming that for him it must be a lot more difficult and threatening. I'm also imagining it could cause him to question his masculinity somehow - and that's one reason why I'm worried about sending him to an all female group for support. I have this feeling he needs to talk these things over with a guy. Preferably one who has faced the same situation, but that will probably be difficult.

Yes, the fact that your H is willing to talk with your T is a positive sign. My W met with my former T 1 time so they could compare notes. I was not present, although I approved. Afterward, my T told me my W said the one thing she could not tolerate was for me to transition. I told my T, however, that I was pretty certain my W's tolerance would give out long before that. I think my W was being unrealistically optimistic. But it doesn't matter. I'm just a generic old person at this point. What difference does it make if I'm an old lady or an old man?

I understand your point about the idea of being perceived as a homosexual couple. I'd like to say that, for me, this wouldn't matter. But even though I've struggled with these issues my whole life, I would still have this same issue. And I would imagine it would be difficult for your H. As I wrote in a reply to another Thread earlier today: since I am biologically male, I think I do have some insight into the male psyche. And "let me tell you," I wrote, "it is twisted & fragile!" Men may look tough & act tough. But deep inside, they're just a bucket of smelly fish guts!