MTF(?) and trying to be honest w/ myself.

To me, being a girl means being free, being confident and open and honest, being able to face challenges head-on because I've got the drive to do things, and of course looking waaaay better than I do now. I don't feel I have those things as a boy, so to me, a successful transition is a destination, a state of mind where I can finally say that "I won! I did it!" and I can love everything and everyone.

My first dilemma is whether or not such a mindset can even be classified as "transgender". There's not another term for it, is there? I don't THINK this is just an instability in my gender identity, since lately I've been feeling pretty solidified, but I can't help but feel that real-life problems like school and my future and expectations are getting in the way of me confronting this problem. Like, I really should be working on a project that's due at the end of the week that I haven't started AT ALL, but this is weighing so heavily on my mind that I just can't concentrate.

I've told my sister, and I plan to tell one of my more sensible friends, but otherwise I don't have much else. Because my mom definitely doesn't want to hear a word of it, I've brought up the subject a couple of times and it's made her physically uncomfortable to the point where I just said "Okay I'm all better now." It seems to me like she literally CAN'T grasp the concept of "transgender". She seems to think I'm confused about my identity, but I realize it's been really stable for the past few years now, and whenever it DID waver it would always gravitate back to "girl" before forcing myself to forget about it for now.

I really don't want to forget about it. I want it to happen and I want it now.

But as much as I want to decimate my mother (well, both parents for that matter), I REALLY can't bring myself to hurt her because she's one of the only support beams I SHOULD have in my life, but I guess she's not very good at that either, so hahahahahahahahha

I think the word I'm looking for is "scared"; if I start to take my first steps NOW, near the beginning of my final year of high school, I'm scared I'll have to restart my connections with all of my peers and teachers. I do daydream of a peaceful future, but who knows how much awkwardness I'll have to slug through before I get there? I DO think the destination will be worth it in the end, it's just... that damned first step...

Another issue of mine is... actually looking the part. I've never touched women's clothing my entire life, so I unfortunately don't have any particular affinity for it even though I can identify what I think is "cute". That said, I hate most of my body hair in general, and my shoulders, and my thighs, but I don't think I need to get rid of my penis. Sure I could manage to shave more often (I don't, gotta' keep the image up) or something, but ultimately I don't care what I look like very much. Of course, the main problem after that is that other people DO care what I look like. I'm still the same person I've always been, I just think that the sum of my experiences makes more sense in a feminine package, but I have next to no knowledge of how to make my looks line up with my self-image because my self-image is more of a vague human-shaped "thing". It's a conflict where I want to please myself but I have to be considerate of other's sensibilities too; at what point does me changing my appearance stop being for MY SAKE and instead for EVERYONE ELSE'S?

Okay, that's all I can think of for now. Thanks for reading.

Hello Moth-fly: My perspective, with regard to this, is that there are many resting places along the gender continuum. At one end may be all female & at the other may be all male. But, in between, there are potentially as many possible variations, resting points along the continuum, as there are people who don't fit neatly into the traditional gender binary. So, for example, there are at least some, perhaps many, MtF transgender individuals who do not opt for GCS ("bottom") surgery. On the other hand, there's no reason why a person who preferred to remain essentially male should not be able to shave his body hair. And in terms of clothes, well, there are lots of women who choose to wear some items of men's clothing. So, if you don't feel any particular need or interest in wearing women's clothes, you can certainly just continue to wear men's clothing, in part or in total.

I think the point here is that you need to figure out what you do & don't need / want to do to satisfy yourself. Try this, try that. Keep what you like & drop what doesn't seem to fit. (This may become easier once you've graduated from high school, depending on what you do from there.) I know you wrote that you "want it now." However, I would have to say that, from what I've seen, individuals who take their transitions deliberately, one step at a time, often do the best. And doing it gradually, may also be easier on your family members, friends, & others. Remember, it's their transition too. So assuming that you don't just want to "drop the atom bomb" & let the chips fall where they may, taking things step-by-step, will give them time to adjust to your changing gender presentation as well. Also, seeking the services of a knowledgeable & experienced gender therapist would be an excellent idea. Such a professional could be very helpful to you with regard to sorting through the various questions you have in your own mind regarding where you "fit in" along the gender identity continuum.

So, the essence of what I am saying is that, from my perspective, you can & should present to suit yourself. (The only caveat here is that you will need to consider what effect your gender presentation preferences may have on your eventual career goals.) But you need to know what will satisfy you & what will not. And taking it a step at a time, trying out this-&-that, & perhaps talking things through with a gender therapist may be the surest way to proceed. Good luck!

Since I unfortunately really care what people think about me, all this time I've been really afraid to push past my conceived limits of what people can handle. At that point, it's more like ME limiting myself than other people, right? I know I HAVE to start somewhere, but I'm really afraid of eliciting a negative response form people who I assume care about me, I don't know why.

Ah, oh, well, in the end I'm okay with the transition stage taking a while. I've considered dropping the bomb, but I also realize that I wouldn't want to be around to see the aftermath of... that. I also don't think I have the guts to do something like that in the first place. What I'm really itching for is the ability to just tell someone about this, since I still can't bring myself to go through with it.

Wait, are there actually therapists that focus on gender issues? That's pretty neat!

Really, thanks for even bothering with a reply!

Yes, there certainly are therapists who have particular interest in, & experience with, gender issues. They may see people with other issues as well. But they have a particular interest in individuals who have gender identity issues. I saw one for a while. Of course, the availability of such a therapist is going to depend on your location. You're more likely to find such a therapist in a large metropolitan area than in a more rural one.

I know what you mean regarding being concerned about what other people can handle. This has kept me living with my assigned birth gender my entire life. For many years, I didn't even realize there was anything I could do about my gender identity issues. But, even once I realized there was, I could not bring myself to "impose" it on those around me by mounting some sort of transition. It has been a double-edged sword though. The up-shot of trying to protect loved ones from my gender identity issues has been that it has led me to some very dark places. It's been a trade-off...

That sounds really rough. You've really no means of saving yourself? Now, this next part'll sound insensitive for sure, but my biggest hope for the future is to not get to that point and stay there. Believe me, every now and then I think "Oh no, oh God, this is it." but it's more like dipping my feet in the deep end; I know I can't let myself sink, but that same fear of sinking is what keeps me grounded in anxiety and indecision and all that other bullsh!t.

... Truthfully, my school environment is insanely liberal and supportive, so even if I did come out I'd probably be welcomed with open arms. My success with THAT endeavor would bank on whether or not I start getting uncomfortable. I don't want them to put me on a pedestal or anything, that's kind of creepy. >_>

Again, the main problem is overcoming the family-hurdle. I live with my mom right now, and my dad lives with the rest of my extended family "elsewhere". Thing is, even if I get my mom's approval, and more likely my dad's, I'll eventually have to move to "elsewhere" because circumstances. Then I have to deal with a plethora of conservative aunts and uncles that I've known for forever and will eventually LIVE WITH. Even if I CAN come out this year(?), it'll all be for naught once I move to "elsewhere", but I don't think that means I should stop trying to come out, even if I can only relish that feeling while I'm still here. It's just that once I DO start living in "elsewhere"... where do I go from there?

Know how to solve the family issues? Just do it and it'll take care of its self.

Most people that want to transition say that they are trapped in the wrong body, that their gender is wrong, they feel like the opposite of their assigned gender, and transitioning is a procedure to correct the mix up. Anything other then that is probably momentarily delusional because there is much more to it like the status of being a trans woman, not very accepted by either genders, society, lack of excellent jobs....those are just what goes with the territory. Not many are taught that, and back they go.

I've romanticized the idea myself, but it's come down to who am I really am. That's a personal question that should be dealt with in therapy which is where you have to go. You can't just walk into a Drs office and say hook me up doc, gonna be a girl tomorrow.

I guess it comes down to "I am" instead of "I want"= true happiness.

But that's just me...guessing again. It's just that I've been watching and reading about detransitioning and "why" according to these others. Do whatever makes you happy. Just make sure it's not misguided.

Okay um, now that a lot of time has passed, let me reiterate.

I'm not deluding myself in that I'm transgendered, but I was deluding myself with the belief that finally transitioning would make me a more open person; that's more a confidence issue that's been present my whole life, which would have to be settled by an entirely different therapy.

But I really do hate how I look, to the point where I've instinctively measured my appearance against other women; it's not a fun game, lemme' tell you. >_>; There are times when I'm not really conscious of my appearance, but when I realize I'm out in the open, I get the sense that people are seeing this entirely different person that just isn't me, and neither can I for a little while; for some reason or another I can't trust people to look deeper than my skin, and that's probably another issue that would be sorted out with talk-therapy or the sort.

I've also recently been wavering on the sex-reassignment stuff, namely, I realized that my ambivalent attitude towards my penis was more because I really do not care what happens to it. But I think I need to, because it's my body and I'm the only one who can make decisions on it. I mean, this would've been a lot easier for me if I was born with a vagina because then I wouldn't have to think about... all this. -_-

But at the very least, I'm glad that my sense of self has solidified this much.

Sherri: Everything that you have posted here is so me. I got drunk the other night and told my entire family. When I sobered up it was over with, and they really wasn't upset about it, but very supportive except our partner of whom we will be divorced of not before long.

The only place that I didn't say was work....but its just a job so it doesn't matter, plenty of those to go around.

You know, just knowing that you are mtf can be enough to bringing some peace without transitioning. I do small things like shaving, clear polish on the finger nails and the Other fems got us pink toenails. For now it works for us, after all, we work around a lot of construction guys and anymore than this won't go well.

Sometimes life's demands matter more than what we feel or think...at least it has always seemed that way.

What has brought us some inner peace though is formulating a plan for the future nd starting a savings account. If it happens, it happens...if it don't.... At least here in the present it's exciting and I feel like I'm doing something about it.

I wish you luck on your quest hon.

I've already got shaving taken care of, but I can't get rid of that last mustache fuzz for the life of me and it's super vexing. >_< And I've actually never done anything with my nails because I'm a nail-biter and it'd feel like a waste of nail polish, but if I can't acquire a wig then I suppose I need something else to keep me occupied? XD Another friend suggested I find ways to take care of myself that don't necessarily have to do with my appearance, like getting more exercise or baking something, do you guys have any fun ideas in that respect? ^__^;

And speaking of wigs, I have a friend who cosplays a lot so theoretically I could ask her if she has any left over, but my mom also knows this apartment like the back of her hand so it'd be pretty hard to find a place to hide that. So I'm gonna' wait until I move for that. XD

Ahhh, the future really scares me because I have like zero plans so far. >_< A savings account would definitely be a start, but I unfortunately don't have the luxury of thinking about what I'd do with the money because I have to (begrudgingly) graduate first. XD

And thanks for the wishes Sherri! ^__^