Trying to decide if I should transition

I'm new here, but I know that many have been down this road before. I'm fairly young, a college student, and so I've had therapists dismiss my claims. Suggest that there obviously must be other factors at work. I would like there to be, because I'll admit it. I'm scared. I won't claim yet to know, but I see and hear about how you have to deal with people every day, and I don't know if my anxiety will let me transition. I've lived my first two decades of life as a woman, but not really, as I think of it. Ever since I was a kid, I would do anything in my power to wear clothes from the boys' section. My dad was really supportive, but if my stepmom at the time ever made me wear a dress, I would leave for school early and ride my skateboard over to my friend's house to ask him to borrow clothes. Recently, I had it brought to my attention that I could be trans. I kind of dismissed it, but I let it rattle around in my head for a while. I did some research, and it felt good. I felt like for once in my life, I could physically picture myself, without wanting to suffer an anxiety attack. When I look in the mirror now, I feel...disconnected. I don't hate my body. As a body, I think it's a swell one. I just don't feel as though it belongs to me. I always feel like I'm intruding on somebody else's privacy. Usually, I present pretty androgynously — I have a large chest, and I have never felt comfortable wearing anything but a bra that would bind them closer. I primarily only own men's tee shirts, and have rather large feet for a woman, and so no one batted an eye when I wanted to buy men's shoes. If I let my hair grow out, I would start to have regular anxiety attacks, and I always thought that it was so silly to let something like hair cause me to have a meltdown. I tried to present as a woman yesterday when I went out music and art supply shopping for the day, and the choruses of "miss" nearly sent me off the edge. I was at store that I frequent all the time, and a worker who I always talk to seemed very surprised to see me dressed in such a way. But even before that, I felt like random patrons who had no idea who I was thought that I looked so silly. I felt like a little kid playing dress-up. I introduced myself to someone online as male for the first time the other day, and it was exhilarating. I finally felt as though things made sense. But part of me feels like this is the way I was meant to be, or something. My boyfriend of the past 5 years has expressed his support; he's pansexual and said that he would never do anything that he thought would impede my happiness. But he grew up in rural Wisconsin, and unsurprisingly, his family aren't the most accepting people about these sorts of things. He says that he could deal with it, that his parents and brother could make the decision to never talk to him again, and he'd be fine. I don't know...I am just so afraid of people not accepting me. People who have started their transitions or reached acceptance in any way, please — do you think that I'm trans? I feel like because I don't hate my body, perhaps I'm just trying to disassociate from myself, because I just...don't feel like I'm in my body. It's a weird thing to explain, and maybe it's linked to my other psychological issues, more than this.

Hello ZombiePunk21: Welcome to PsychCentral... from the Skeezyks! Okay... well... here's the thing... I'm an old man. But I always felt as if I should have been female. When I was young, the words transgender & transsexual hadn't even been invented yet. And any talk regarding gender or sexuality was strictly forbidden... (except for dirty jokes shared between men.) So I just grew up feeling weird & perverted. Somehow, I don't know how, I learned very early on that this was something I must never talk about. So I didn't. I kept it a closely guarded secret for decades. To a large extent, it still is...

This is, however, only part of my story. All of my life I have also struggled with depression, anxiety & other mental health problems. I have often wondered if I was truly trans... & if my inability to transition or even talk to anyone about my feelings led to my other psychological problems; or if feeling as though I was born in the wrong body was perhaps something that was an offshoot of my other mental health problems. It is something I'll never know. Personally, I don't hate my body either. It just didn't match what was going on in my mind, if that makes any sense...

The reality is there is no test for "trans-ness". Each of us has to come to a decision, in our own minds, with regard to whether or not we can live with the bodies we were born with & with the social roles society casts us into as a result. It is true that, suddenly, being transgender is almost becoming chic! But, at the same time, there are still an awful lot of people out there who are more like your bf's family than there are people who are accepting & even outwardly supportive of trans people.

The confusion & uncertainty you describe is something I think many, if not most of us, go through. Am I really trans? Is this just a symptom of a broader mental illness? If I am trans, must I transition? How will I be treated... both by my family & friends as well as by society at large? I don't know if you're trans or not. This is really a quandary you have to resolve in your own mind. And perhaps the best way to do this is with the help of a therapist who has experience working with clients with gender identity issues. (From my perspective, a therapist who is not something of a specialist in the field can do more harm than good, as it appears you have already experienced.) With the help of a skilled therapist, over time, you can tease out your feelings regarding your gender identity & draw some conclusions with regard to what this means for you. One does not necessarily have to undergo a total & complete transition if one is trans. Some individuals choose to do this. But others find that something short of this is sufficient to satisfy their gender identity confusion.

The one additional thing I will say with regard to this is that the ball of twisted wire that was my "trans-ness", plus my other mental health problems, to a large extent destroyed my life as well as the lives of others who deserved infinitely better from me. If I had known, back when I was young, what I know now... I believe I would have run toward transition. So I believe sorting this out for yourself is very important. I send you my best wishes for great success in your journey.

I felt this way as a teen, but after I hit 20, I didn't care anymore. I just lived as I felt. Stayed true to how I felt inside. It had my anxiety through the roof to even think about telling people before, but slowly it just came out and was easier then I thought. Now, I'm 25 and hoping that I can start Testosterone, if the state covers it.
I'd feel so much better.
This is what I asked myself when I thought about just giving up on moving forward...."Could I see being a physical female for the rest of my life? Could I stand being called by my female name?" The answer was no, I hate that I still have a female name, a deep but still female-ish voice, and of course....lady parts.
If I had the opportunity and means of transitioning, I would in a heartbeat. You only have one chance at life, and I want to do what is right for me, not care about anyone else's opinion because there will ALWAYS be opinions in everything you do.

Skeezyks said it correctly. Each of us has to come to the decision for ourselves whether we are trans. But that doesn't mean we have to do it alone. First, keep talking here. I didn't know I was trans when I was dealing with very deep depression a couple of years ago and I was coming to this site to talk to people. This is a really good place.

Second, look for Dara Hoffman-Fox's website. A wonderful gender therapist with loads of videos and blog entries that's just full of information. You can even email Dara with a question. Dara has a book that just came out with a workbook to work through.

Third, I think this was important for me. I found a therapist. I'd seen one in the past for depression. In this case I found an LGBT therapist. I'll admit that I don't think she is very experienced as a gender therapist and perhaps she's more worked with other members of the community. But she's very supportive. That's the key. I brought up her stance on conversion therapy, she said it was not only illegal in my area but would also be unethical for her to do that. I think maybe I should have inquired more with her about how many transgender clients/patients she had previously had and how many she had helped transition? But that's okay. It may be a good thing I'm working with her. I may help her learn some things too and then be a better therapist for others in the future.

Through that therapist I was able to find a local support group that meets once a month. I've only been once because this is new to me too. If you can find a group I can say it was pretty awesome going. It doesn't matter if you are "questioning." They'll be happy to have you and talk about that. I did not inquire into it because I'm fortunate to have "okay" insurance right now, but I noticed while I was at the center where the support group meets that they offered some free counselling for transgender individuals. So I would seriously ask anyone like local therapists what resources like a support center might be available where you could reach out. Just being able to find someone and say anything out loud about it was a huge help for me because I had no one in my life I could talk to about it.

Best of luck.