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Old 02-24-2021, 11:28 PM   #1
Ian1963
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Trig I need some advice

Possible trigger:



Over this Dec/Jan period I had a lot of time to reflect on my life and what I would like to do with my life going forward.


I also realised that the incident had a major affect on my life and that for 38 years I lived a life in a way I probably should not have or would if it was not for what happened.


I realised I went into a relationship with my husband (he is 21 years older than me) because it was safe, because he was not sexually demanding and he accepted me as I am without questioning anything.


I was never in love with my husband. He was like a very good friend and love came over time. It was never romantic love, but more platonic. In all truth, I don’t know if my husband have romantic love for me. I never experienced it from him. For instance we never kissed other than a quick peck on the lios saying hello and goodbye.


I tried to figure out if it was because he sensed I did not want that in the beginning or if he, like me, found the the relationship safe and did mot view it as a romantic coupling.


For the first 15 years we had the normal type of relationship with minor problems, but then I realised that sexually I was becoming more active, but his activities started to decline.


For the past 15 years I managed to suppress my libido as much as possible to adapt to my husband’s libido level and to accept that it may be the price I had to pay for the age difference. I hoped that my sex drive would also decline as I got older, but to my surprise it increased, not decreased.


The decreasing amount of sex between my husband and myself was starting to really affect mr and even though I masturbated almost daily, I wanted more intimacy, more body contact. I obviously started to iritate my husband because he pulled away morefrom me and even started to slap my hands away should I touch him during the night.


By the end of last year I was at a point where I really wanted out of the relationship. I wanted more out of life than what I had for the last 15 years. I knew I had to make time to take stock and come to a decision of how I want to proceed going forward. If my husband and I continued on the same path our marriage would end before the end of 2021.


In 30 years my husband and I never really had any deep discussions about us, our lives, our expectations, our sex lives or anything that really matters.


We would have arguments where things would be said that cut right down to the bone and then a few days later things would return to a sort of normal state.


I realised that chances were much greater that my husband, who is 79, would pass away before me, that we had made no gay friends since we relocated to another city 7 years ago and that, should he pass before me I would be all on my own.


I realised that I had no idea what I really wanted sexually. I had suppressed my sexuality and libido so much that it made me unhappy and frustrated.


I made a decision that I wanted to find out if I was able to have normal sexual relationships again.I only tried to be the bottom once about a year after the incident and the guy told me afterwards that I completely lost it. I never tried to repeat the experience againagain.


I realised for the experiment to succeed I would have to cheat on my husband since 1) he is not physically capable, 2) he did not know about the rape and 3) if I did have a meltdown he would neither cope nor understand.


I also realised I would have to be in control of the situation somehow and the end choice was to make use of the service of a “professional” man.


After making and cancelling a few bookings I eventuslly managed to make and keep a booking for a sensual massage coupled with a prostate massage and with a happy ending. His ad specifically excluded **** sex. I thought that that should ease me into trying more next time.


I have already gotten a very good vibe from, lets call him G, while chatting in Whatsapp and meeting him in person only reinforced the feeling.


I clicked with him and the massage went very well, but to my surprise he made the suggestion that instead of just a happy ending we should end it with **** sex.


I was relaxed enough and at ease enough to try it. Despite experiencing some initial panic, I managed to enjoy the experience. I did not manage to maintain an erection once penetration took place, but the experience was liberating.


The downside of this is that I realised I want more of it. I also experienced a lot of confused feelings afterwards.


My husband and I also went for some counselling with G ( who has a Master in Psychology) and he made some very unconventional suggestions.


One is that my husband allows me to find sexual fulfilment outside the marriage if he wanted me to be sexually filfilled and for both of us to make friends separately from each other, but also communal friends.


In principal my husband has agreed to it, but I know that he is only agreeing to it because the alternative is either separation or divorce.


He is not able to support himself financially and thus he feels he has to agree to almost anything to secure his financial position.


My journey so far has had some very unexpected self discoveries and some worrisome side effects.


1) I am suddenly attracted to almost the opposite type of man than what I always felt an atteaction to. Is this normal?

2) I have managed to hook up with three men so far and although I do not have any problem with getting and maintainin an erection, I simply cannot reach ejaculation. I have no problem if I masturbate. Should I worry about it?

3) I used to masturbate almost daily, but now it may be once a week. Is this my guilty conscience? I have not trouble getting aroused the times I met with the 3 men even though I did not ejaculate.


As always, once a decision is made, doubt is not far behind. Was I selfish to start this? Am I doing the right thing?


Possible trigger:
I thought Inhad resolved all my issues long time ago and have made peace with what happened. But going in this journey has taught me that there must have been unresolved issues and that I never dealt with them. I simply buried them deep down and created a life for myself where Indid not have to deal with them. When I started this journey I did not expect this fall out, these physical bodily reactions and thus change in my sexual preferences. I don’t even know if this is normal or if Inam heading for some sort if meltdown. I feel OK, a bit confused, but OK.


Lastly, knowing what I know about my husband, do I suppress my feelings and return to our old life and watch our relationship crash and burn even faster (the relationship was already severely strained prior to this) or do I continue on my journey of self discovery?

Last edited by bluekoi; 02-25-2021 at 10:22 PM.. Reason: Apply trigger code.
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Old 02-25-2021, 03:29 PM   #2
Skeezyks
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Smile Re: I need some advice

Hello Ian: Thank you for bringing your concern here to My Support Forums. I want to mention I'm not gay. So I don't know as I can be of a lot of help with regard to the details of your dilemma. (Hopefully there may yet be other MSF members who will have thoughts they can offer.) But I noticed this is your first post, so I thought I would at least welcome you to the forums.

In reading through the questions you posed, I would have to say my thinking would be all of the relationship-related stuff is sufficiently complicated it really warrants some at-length and in-depth work with a skilled mental health / relationships professional as does the rape experience you kept hidden for so many years. (Without going into pointless detail, I will say I know something about the ramifications of keeping secrets over the majority of one's lifetime. And it's not pretty.)

As far as the ejaculation concern goes, I would think that would be something to check out medically. There may or may not be something going on physically there. Perhaps it's simply something that is related to your life experiences. But it wouldn't hurt to have it checked out medically as well I would think. Although I'm not gay I am 72 years old. And I would have to say that a lot of what you wrote sounds familiar to me as I look back over my own lifetime. So there is a sense in which I'm inclined to say quite a bit of what wrote may be, at least to some extent, age-related (both yours as well as your husband's.)

You asked if you were selfish to start this and are you doing the right thing. My personal perspective is anytime you go behind your spouse's back to do anything you're headed for trouble. You mentioned your husband is 79. I do have sympathy for his situation because, even at 72, I know how vulnerable I have come to feel. I doubt one can really appreciate that until one gets into that age range and experiences it for oneself. But, of course, you have your life to live too. So I think, ideally, what would be best here would be for you to be able to do what you need to do for yourself... openly... while also taking into account your husband's advanced age. That's a tall order as we used to say. And of course that's easy for me to say, I know. But to my mind your situation, as well as that of your husband, may need the ongoing support of a skilled mental health professional for a period of time. I personally doubt the situation you describe is going to be resolved over the course of one or two counseling sessions.

I'm sorry I don't have more to offer than this. But I do wish both you and your husband the best and that you find having come here to the forums to be of benefit.
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Old 02-25-2021, 03:52 PM   #3
amandalouise
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Default Re: I need some advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ian1963 View Post
I was raped 38 years ago at age 20. I was a late bloomer and only started experimenting with sex at age 18. I was still discovering who I was sexually when the rape happened. It took me four years before I started a relationship with someone.


I teported the rape, but in 1983 male rape was not rape and the way I was treated made me decide not to discuss this with anyone else ever again. They really made me felt that 1) I was a sexual deviant and 2) I was either looking for it or it was consensual.


It took me four years to enter a relationship with someone.


Since the incident I was involved in 2 relationships, the first for 4 years. My first partner passed away. The second and current one for the last 30 years (and married for 12 years). Neither knew what happened and I only told my husband very recently.


There was one other effect of the rape that would continue to become a daily reminder if what had happened to me. Four years after the rape I tested positive for HIV and to this day, every time take my medication I curse the three men that did this to me.


Over this Dec/Jan period I had a lot of time to reflect on my life and what I would like to do with my life going forward.


I also realised that the incident had a major affect on my life and that for 38 years I lived a life in a way I probably should not have or would if it was not for what happened.


I realised I went into a relationship with my husband (he is 21 years older than me) because it was safe, because he was not sexually demanding and he accepted me as I am without questioning anything.


I was never in love with my husband. He was like a very good friend and love came over time. It was never romantic love, but more platonic. In all truth, I don’t know if my husband have romantic love for me. I never experienced it from him. For instance we never kissed other than a quick peck on the lios saying hello and goodbye.


I tried to figure out if it was because he sensed I did not want that in the beginning or if he, like me, found the the relationship safe and did mot view it as a romantic coupling.


For the first 15 years we had the normal type of relationship with minor problems, but then I realised that sexually I was becoming more active, but his activities started to decline.


For the past 15 years I managed to suppress my libido as much as possible to adapt to my husband’s libido level and to accept that it may be the price I had to pay for the age difference. I hoped that my sex drive would also decline as I got older, but to my surprise it increased, not decreased.


The decreasing amount of sex between my husband and myself was starting to really affect mr and even though I masturbated almost daily, I wanted more intimacy, more body contact. I obviously started to iritate my husband because he pulled away morefrom me and even started to slap my hands away should I touch him during the night.


By the end of last year I was at a point where I really wanted out of the relationship. I wanted more out of life than what I had for the last 15 years. I knew I had to make time to take stock and come to a decision of how I want to proceed going forward. If my husband and I continued on the same path our marriage would end before the end of 2021.


In 30 years my husband and I never really had any deep discussions about us, our lives, our expectations, our sex lives or anything that really matters.


We would have arguments where things would be said that cut right down to the bone and then a few days later things would return to a sort of normal state.


I realised that chances were much greater that my husband, who is 79, would pass away before me, that we had made no gay friends since we relocated to another city 7 years ago and that, should he pass before me I would be all on my own.


I realised that I had no idea what I really wanted sexually. I had suppressed my sexuality and libido so much that it made me unhappy and frustrated.


I made a decision that I wanted to find out if I was able to have normal sexual relationships again.I only tried to be the bottom once about a year after the incident and the guy told me afterwards that I completely lost it. I never tried to repeat the experience againagain.


I realised for the experiment to succeed I would have to cheat on my husband since 1) he is not physically capable, 2) he did not know about the rape and 3) if I did have a meltdown he would neither cope nor understand.


I also realised I would have to be in control of the situation somehow and the end choice was to make use of the service of a “professional” man.


After making and cancelling a few bookings I eventuslly managed to make and keep a booking for a sensual massage coupled with a prostate massage and with a happy ending. His ad specifically excluded **** sex. I thought that that should ease me into trying more next time.


I have already gotten a very good vibe from, lets call him G, while chatting in Whatsapp and meeting him in person only reinforced the feeling.


I clicked with him and the massage went very well, but to my surprise he made the suggestion that instead of just a happy ending we should end it with **** sex.


I was relaxed enough and at ease enough to try it. Despite experiencing some initial panic, I managed to enjoy the experience. I did not manage to maintain an erection once penetration took place, but the experience was liberating.


The downside of this is that I realised I want more of it. I also experienced a lot of confused feelings afterwards.


My husband and I also went for some counselling with G ( who has a Master in Psychology) and he made some very unconventional suggestions.


One is that my husband allows me to find sexual fulfilment outside the marriage if he wanted me to be sexually filfilled and for both of us to make friends separately from each other, but also communal friends.


In principal my husband has agreed to it, but I know that he is only agreeing to it because the alternative is either separation or divorce.


He is not able to support himself financially and thus he feels he has to agree to almost anything to secure his financial position.


My journey so far has had some very unexpected self discoveries and some worrisome side effects.


1) I am suddenly attracted to almost the opposite type of man than what I always felt an atteaction to. Is this normal?

2) I have managed to hook up with three men so far and although I do not have any problem with getting and maintainin an erection, I simply cannot reach ejaculation. I have no problem if I masturbate. Should I worry about it?

3) I used to masturbate almost daily, but now it may be once a week. Is this my guilty conscience? I have not trouble getting aroused the times I met with the 3 men even though I did not ejaculate.


As always, once a decision is made, doubt is not far behind. Was I selfish to start this? Am I doing the right thing?


38 years after the rape I now am suddenly struggling with issues that comes as a result of the rape. I thought Inhad resolved all my issues long time ago and have made peace with what happened. But going in this journey has taught me that there must have been unresolved issues and that I never dealt with them. I simply buried them deep down and created a life for myself where Indid not have to deal with them. When I started this journey I did not expect this fall out, these physical bodily reactions and thus change in my sexual preferences. I don’t even know if this is normal or if Inam heading for some sort if meltdown. I feel OK, a bit confused, but OK.


Lastly, knowing what I know about my husband, do I suppress my feelings and return to our old life and watch our relationship crash and burn even faster (the relationship was already severely strained prior to this) or do I continue on my journey of self discovery?
first you need to know that I am a woman, happily married to a wonderful woman.

your post ... I started out reading in full then lost interest the moment you wrote you are considering cheating or did cheat on your husband. in skimming I went to your last paragraph where you ask us if you should suppress your feelings and return to your old life and watch your relationship with your husband crash and bur.

we cant tell you what to do, only you know whether you should or can or may or dont ect... your feelings and what to do about them. its .........your..........body and ..........your..........relationship.

here at my support forums we dont tell each other what they should and shouldnt do.

I can tell you what my wife and I do. we sit down and talk to each other frequently about our relationship, life, family and yes sex life too.

I am a survivor and so I sometimes have needs and wants that my wife doesnt have and my wife also has needs and wants that because of my history with sexual abuse can sometimes have problems fulfilling her needs and wants just like sometimes she has trouble fulfilling what I need and want.

a marriage is one of the most complicated things, especially for those of us who are in same sex marriages. thankfully america has made it easier by recognizing same sex marriages for years now.

me simply because I am an abuse survivor I would never seek out online dating or other dates. I know some survivors do go the other direction of needing and wanting more partners then what they have, but me I would not feel mentally or physically safe with others. So I have no advice for you as to if you should continue to seek out other partners than your husband.

What I can tell you is that marriage is through thick and thin, sickness and health bla bla bla . my wife has been there for me through all kinds of things whether they be where we go on vacation to sitting down and "sandy this isnt working for me, heres what I am needing during our intimate times lets talk about how we can have our time together where we are both on the same page." then we talk. sometimes it means shes across the room reading a book and Im getting busy in another room with a wide selection of toys. and other times its the two of us together but the key here is that we talk, we make decisions about our marriage and sex life together.

if there ever came a day when my wife and I couldnt talk about our marriage and sex life together just like we talk about going on vacation or the children, ect that married couples talk about, care about, we would sit down and talk about separation/ divorce and our children. because thats what would be right for my wife and I.

only you can decide what you want to do about your marriage and your relationship problems, no one here is in your body, marriage ect.

so I am not going to tell you whether you should do this or that.

my suggestion is that its yours and your husbands marriage. its you and your husband that need to talk about and make decisions about this.

good luck in what ever you decide.
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Old 02-25-2021, 09:31 PM   #4
Ian1963
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Default Re: I need some advice

Thank you Amandalouise,

I am so happy for you and your wife that you can communicate. For my husband and I that is probably on of the main reasons for being in this situation.

For 30 years we never had the kind of communication that we should have had. Although we opened the communication lines, it is a very uncomfortable situation exercise for us. It is something neither are used to.

For the last 15 years I have really tried to pleasure myself on an almost daily basis, but although it takes away the immediate need, it does nothing to to satisfy the need for close physical intimacy. I am not talking sex, but just cuddling, kissing or simply spooning, which is also something lacking in our relationship right from the start of the relationship.

Just by writing this I am suddenly aware of just how barren our relationship is and that make me cringe.

I am well aware cheating is wrong and that as the two of us negotiate this crossroads in our lives the potential for disaster is much better than the potential for success.

We have taken a break from each other. My husband went to visit his sister in a town a couple of hours away and this gave me, and I really hope for him as well, some time to process all that happened in the first two weeks of the month.

The generational age gap tends to muddy the waters a hell of a lot. My husband is ultra conservative, I am much more open to alternative ideas. My husband tends to see everything in black and white, I tend to see all the grey areas in between.

I also think that not having friends to talk to also plays a roll in our current situation, but again, I never really opened up about my emotions even before I was raped.

I know therapy is probably the answer, but we cannot afford it and, living in South Africa, the public health services are pathetic.

I do hope when my husband returns we manage to come to a resolution. I simply cannot carry on this way and I am sure he must feel the same.
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Old 02-25-2021, 09:53 PM   #5
Ian1963
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Trig Re: I need some advice

Skeezyks, thank you for you insight. As mentioned in my previous to Amandalouise, we cannot afford therapy. In South Africa private therapy sessions are prohibitively expensive and the public health system almost non existent.

The next thing is going to sound very selfish and that is not my intention.

I am so tired of having to take his age into consideration. That is all I have heard for the last 15 years. The phrase “You knew you were going into a relationship with someone older...” is making me want to vomit every time I hear it lately.

Why is that all on me? The opposite is equally true. My husband also must bear 50% of that particular burden.

Lately, at times
Possible trigger:
After 38 years they still get to mess up my life.

Just to be clear, I am NOT suicidal, I am NOT depressed. I am simply stressed out and I just want some resolution in my life.

Is some inner and outer peace at the same time too much to ask for?
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