[flemingnett]

Hi ...

My wife gets much angry when I oppose anything she talks about my family.She does not like even if I smile with my mother and sister's while talking and she talks in a wrong way about it. She has deleted their numbers from my cell phone.At times not having food and goes to bed and simply curling when she is angry.
Actually my parents and siblings not like she is thinking.They will adjust whatever for me and much closer as I am their elder son/brother.I am so generous and allowing her to visit her parents/relatives but she does not like If I say I want to go my home to visit parents.

I dont know how to deal/treat her and so much frustated and not able to concentrate at work.Please help me out.
She wants me to neglect my family totally ..even If I tell their name she says dont need me and does not listen her parents words as well ..they ask me to adjust...adjust

I dont want to lose my self respect and adjust

Please help me out

[RecoveryInstructor]

Originally Posted by flemingnett

Hi ...

My wife gets much angry when I oppose anything she talks about my family.She does not like even if I smile with my mother and sister's while talking and she talks in a wrong way about it. She has deleted their numbers from my cell phone.At times not having food and goes to bed and simply curling when she is angry.
Actually my parents and siblings not like she is thinking.They will adjust whatever for me and much closer as I am their elder son/brother.I am so generous and allowing her to visit her parents/relatives but she does not like If I say I want to go my home to visit parents.

I dont know how to deal/treat her and so much frustated and not able to concentrate at work.Please help me out.
She wants me to neglect my family totally ..even If I tell their name she says dont need me and does not listen her parents words as well ..they ask me to adjust...adjust

I dont want to lose my self respect and adjust

Please help me out

I can "hear" the frustration in your words as I read this post, and I feel twinges of memories and sadness, as well as the pain that is seeping through between the lines.

What is her relationship/history with her own family?

I won't tell you what to do, but my ex-wife was quite similar to what you describe. She would talk about my friends and work to undermine my relationships with family, friends, coworkers, and class mates. As someone who deals with isolation on a somewhat frequent basis, I didn't need that kind of assistance in pushing me away from other people.

What does she gain from trying to destroy your support network?

We need the supports in our lives to help us out; that your family is supportive is huge. Not all of us have that - I know I didn't come close to experiencing that until moving back closer to them and being open and assertive of what I deal with. And no, not all of them are on board even now.

Relationships are difficult, I'll grant you that. I have made my mistakes and I suspect my behaviors didn't help, but I couldn't be with someone who refused to be supportive of me trying to overcome the challenges that come with dealing with the bipolar issues. I didn't need that insensitivity from someone who is a major part of my daily life. Getting that divorce was a hellacious experience but absolutely necessary to reaffirm my desire to recover from this mental illness. I am doing tons better without her. I'd rather be alone than immerse myself in that miserable experience again. In a sense, within that relationship, I relived my childhood. I don't need that. My sanity didn't need that.

To me, it sounds like the ratio of how much you give doesn't equal what you're receiving in return. The reality is we can't control what other people do. If they want to change, that is entirely up to them to do so. We can only control our own actions and reactions. We have choices, they are not always easy, but they are there lurking under the surface.

How difficult would it be to interact with those who are supportive of you without her knowledge?

Wishing you the best,
-K

[Ygrec23]

Where are you, Flemingnett? What kind of culture do you live in? What kind of culture were you raised in? Same questions regarding your wife?

You have an absolute right to unimpeded communication, in person and by telephone or otherwise, with your family and any member of it. Your wife simply has nothing to say about that. If she tries to impose any punishment of any kind on you for being with your family, you must seriously consider whether this is a woman with whom you want to spend the rest of your life. If she can't be corrected, you must think about alternatives. Your choice is to put up with her horsehockey (euphemism) or leave her. Regardless of whether you have children, this is a choice you have to consider seriously. There is no "magic answer" to your question. The magic question is whether or not you're going to put up with this nonsense for the rest of your life. Take care and good luck!