At 48, I'm in the best physical shape of my life.

I've been on a hardcore workout/fitness program for over a year now, ever since I was paroled (not from jail, that is just my bitter, sarcastic way of saying got out of a 2 week day hospital program - it only felt like jail).

So, hey, I dropped a lot of weight, over 60 lbs. I am now benching 135, and really getting nice definition in my biceps, triceps, pecs, and almost getting that six pack of abs. I think I look pretty great when I am "clean up" -- ok, that's every day, because I have a white collar job. Suit and tie office.

And, physically, I feel pretty good. I have some issues, but nothing I can't work around.

So, it's a shame that I'm an emotional mess. I still feel like -- that 7 year old boy who was rejected and abused by his father, and made to feel completely inadequate. Or the teenager who was actually threatened by him at gunpoint.

I keep pushing myself to try new things. This has been my salvation, working out, working with personal trainers, taking fitness classes, doing things on my own like cycling. I took boxing lessons last winter/spring, and want to get back to working with that trainer again in the new year. And, in January, I also start a five month triathlon training program, which I am really looking forward to.

So, I still don't know how to deal with the disconnect between my real-world achievements and my emotional response to all of this -- that I'm a complete failure in life, a pathetic whimpering mess whose biggest ambition of all is to just end it. I don't really have a social life, and I definitely don't have a sex life -- what woman would want to be involved with a mess like me, a guy who sits there about 12 times a day and thinks "I'm sorry I didn't go through with it when I had the chance last year"??? Believe me, I would desperately like to have both.