[annoniem9648]

These past months I will not soon forget. Two years ago, my stepsister broke contact with my father and stepmother. Now it is clear why: My father has done "something" to my stepsister.

The precise details are sketchy but do not contradict each other. I think I have a complete overall picture. There has not been an "all the way" contact but my father has definitely crossed a moral boundary. For my stepsister, the results of this "something" consist of problems with trust and loyalty in relationships, she also wants her child not to be alone with my father.

I have often walked around with the idea to completely break off contact with my father, but I never put through. The relationship with him has always cost me energy. To be honest I've always felt contempt for him, not because my mother abandoned him but how he generally stands in life. I feel no hatred against him, only care. He is not a bad person, he is a victim of a world he has created himself.

Below I have put down my thoughts that came to me. This should at least be therapeutic for myself and perhaps the details give a more meaningful "discussion" witch in turn can help others.

Negative
- He lets his emotions cloud his judgement
- He always chooses the path of least resistance, this gives him little integrity
- He preaches principles but he does not himself live by them
- He used submissiveness and weakness to evade responsibility
- He has limited interest to empathize ideas / positions / interests of his family, he is actually hugely egocentric
- He provides "negative reinforcement" because he takes strength in projecting his own pessimism on others
- He prefers to give uncertainty to his children over giving uncertainty to himself

Positive
- If I demand unconditional love I get that from him
- If I make him understand what I need, he gives me that
- My whole life he has continued to seek contact, calling in at least every two weeks
- He is genuinely interested if it goes well with me
- Family issues are important to him: Easter / Christmas / anniversaries etc ...

The paradox
- I believe there are two types of pain: Pain that gives you strength and pain that drain's you're energy.
- I believe in unconditional love to my family.
- I believe that nature / nurture explains some foundation, but that it is trivial when emotion and ambition come into play

My questions:
- Will it deliver more energy to dissociate myself completely from him or is it better to stay in touch?
- Will I be weaker by breaking contact, or will this make me stronger?
- What do I say to my children later when I talk about my father?

[CANDC]

Welcome to Psych Central (PC) annoniem9648 . Sorry to hear you are in conflict about your family and possibly breaking contact. You seem to imply your father may have done something to your sister, but breaking contact is a radical step that can distance yourself and make reconciliation difficult in the future if the situation is not what you think.

Have you ever felt at risk with your father? Perhaps your stepmother might be suffering some abuse. Can you talk to her at all? How strong are you emotionally to talk to your sister and see if she will confide in you to a small extent? Is she capable of that?

These are all questions that pop into my mind that preclude giving any advice, plus I find it better to have people make their own decisions. If you have a therapist, some people at PC will find a therapist will help things out.

Some people find the forums give them the compassion and empathy they seek. http://forums.psychcentral.com

Please feel free to private message any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

[Webgoji]

This is just my opinion, but in a situation like this I think two things become paramount:

1. Protecting yourself and others
2. Getting help for your father

The dance becomes supporting and getting help for your father while also making sure you and others are safe. If everyone disconnects, it seems to exacerbate things and he doesn't get the clinical help he needs to correct those behaviors. So I think first, make sure you and others are safe and then support him in getting help correcting the actions that have lead to the situation.