[therealme]

give a man a fish and he will eat for a day,
teach him to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day

a man goes to the doctor's,
"doc" he says, " ive got a cricket ball
stuck up my backside "
"hows that?" asks the doctor.
"don't you start !", replies the man

Boyfriend and girlfriend walking back home from a night out on the booze
(names changed to protect identities)
Fred says to Wilma “here lets jump over this wall and have a quickey“,
Wilma says “I’ll never get over that wall wearing this dress“,
Fred says with a smile on his face “well you could stand on this“,
Wilma replies before walking off “and how do you suggest we get back?”

I was sat in the pub when a man spilt his beer on me jeans on the way past to his seat, I jumped up and said I am going to kick your ***, he replied mate im a lover not a fighter, I said ok, so I snogged him, turns out he was a fighter after all.

[therealme]

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in small town.
After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated
that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for
a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five
different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat
there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and
drove off. Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off -
it was a fine, dry summer night. Flicked the blinkers on and of a
couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved
the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained
still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles
left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled
out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited
patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the
flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a Breathalyzer
test. To his amazement, the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the
man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said,
"I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This
Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the obviously sober man, "Tonight I'm the designated
decoy."

lol

[Larry_Hoover]

Two men were fishing. They found a bottle floating on the water, retrieved it, rubbed it, and a genie popped out. "I'll grant each of you one wish," said the genie. The first man wished for a new fishing boat, all decked out, complete with outboard, the whole nine yards. Poof! New boat! The second man wished for the lake to be turned into beer. Poof! The lake is now made of beer. "You dummy!" exclaimed the first man. "Now we'll have to pee in the boat!"

[therealme]

Men are like..

..Placemats
They only show up when there's food on the table.

.....Mascara
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

....Bike Helmets
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly

...Parking spots
The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.

...Copiers
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

.....Lava Lamps
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

.....Bank accounts
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest

....high heels
They are easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

.....Curling Irons
They are always hot, and they are always in your hair.

....Mini skirts
If you are not careful they'll creep up your legs.

...Bananas
They older they get, the less firm they are.

[therealme]

Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions??
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

What do you call a chelsea fan with a bottle of champagne at the end of the season?
.
.
.
.
A waiter !

[Chalkdust]

That was funny! Thanks for the laugh.
Tobey

[therealme]

two hikers get lost on dartmoor (england) but finally make it to a remote village around midnight.
they head for the local pub, the 'george & dragon', and knock on the door to see if they can get a room.
seconds later, an upstairs window flies open and the landlady screams, "f*** off ! im trying to get some sleep" undeterred, they knock a second time. again the window flise open and the irate landlady screamsdown to them, " look i told you two to sling you hook-- didnt you understand me ?"
" oh, we understood", replies one of the men. " we just wondered if we could talk to george this time "

[Pughead]

Male Jokes?!

WTF...we should be telling dumb blond jokes in this forum.

[heyjoe]

whats the difference between a woman and a battery?



a battery has a positive side

[therealme]

How do you make a blonde laugh on a Wednesday? Tell her a joke on a Monday!

How do you make a blondes eyes shine bright? Shine a torch in her ear!

What do smart blondes and UFOs have in common? You always hear about them but never see any!

Be careful never to let a blonde have a coffee break... It takes too long to retrain her afterwards!

[Pughead]

What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?



Pull the pin and throw it back.

[heyjoe]

a single man is a work in progress
and when he get s married
hes finished

[therealme]

lol

[Chalkdust]

What do you call five blondes standing shoulder to shoulder?


A wind tunnel!

[heyjoe]

What are the three rings of marriage?

engagement ring
wedding ring
suffering

[therealme]

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him
keep her.

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get
a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go
to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft
music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than
electronic banking. It's called marriage."

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have
mine."

[therealme]

A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT".
After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home.
On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES".
By the time she drove eight miles, shehad cleaned 43 restrooms.

[therealme]

The Unites States government has issued a recall on all cars and trucks that have a headlight dimmer switch on the turn signal switch. The purpose for this is to cut the traffic accidents at night by 90%. Apparently that the 90% that they plan to cut is from blonds, because they keep getting their foot stuck in the steering wheel.