Past haunts me

I am 52 years of age and for the past 15 years plus have been experiencing intense feelings of guilt for past actions. The guilt is so overpowering now that I am desperate. When I was somewhat younger I mixed with a similar mind-set type people and messed around with several married women, even though I was also married at the time. I realize how stupid I was/ am but thankfully managed to see the light. I am aware that I caused so much heartache and suffering in the world and am so regretful but also realize that there is nothing I can do. I can only ask anyone else that might even contemplate such actions to not do it. I am at the point now where I am so lost, so hate myself, and a am actually considering removing this "filth" (me in this case) from this world.

Dear dan, Welcome to Psych Central. Reconciliation means coming to calm with yourself and your neighbors. No matter what you have done, with a change of heart you are a new person. You can offer to help others especially the type of people you feel you harmed.

Everyone has the spark of the divine in them and that is what brings us through the darkness of the human conditioning that makes us do things that in our hearts we know are wrong.

Many people here at PC find they can share these feelings and what they are going through with the confidence that people go through similar things and can empathize. So many forums are offered as well as Chatrooms (after you have 5 posts or comments on others posts). Depression Support Chat Thursday 9PM EST and Anxiety Support Chat Friday at 8PM EST.

You can also be an active member in other ways like supporting others in their questions, reading articles and posts http://forums.psychcentral.com that are applicable to your area of concern.

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

There's actually a lot you can do about what you did in the past.

1. Regret is different than (I'm sorry this sounds harsh) self-pity. Regret is a strong emotion that tells us, "Man, I messed up. I'm not doing that again!" So don't turn it around on yourself, use that to resolve to live better.

2. You need to correct what you've done. I would suggest apologizing sincerely in whatever way is appropriate. If you can approach those in your past, then that would be best. If I was one of those husbands though, I would suggest keeping your distance for safety sake so you might have to approach making amends with just yourself. They may or may not forgive you, but that's not up to you. The importance is that you are emotionally sorry for what you did.

3. Finally, learn how to forgive yourself. This is really difficult and a counselor can help you learn how to do this, but it is just as important as apologizing for what you did.

Hi Dan,
Am sorry that you feel so weighed down by your past. It is good to recognise your past faults but the skill is in dealing with them - like Webgoji's advice - and making strong intentions not to repeat them. I've done many wrong things in my marriage and I'm not out of the the woods. One thing that helps me to bear the shame is to have some self-compassion. We are human, we do wrong things typically because we think the selfish way will bring happiness. It doesn't - we are plain stupid but we need to have compassion for ourselves - treat yourself like you would your best friend. I do this with an image in which I see myself above myself putting a hand on my shoulder with compassion. It definitely helps to bear the shame.

Thank you all for the feedback. I have apologized to the women involved and have considered approaching their spouses, but I would not like to create more wounds than I have already, considering these occurred over 15 years ago. I certainly have learned a massive lesson and would never consider committing such stupid actions again. As for self pity, I'm not too sure. I actually believe that I deserve no pity and find great difficulty in forgiving myself. I had the idea that time would heal all but it seems to be getting more difficult as time goes by. Thank you though, for the support. I am making a concerted effort to become a "good citizen" and hopefully I can put into practice what you suggest. Regards.

Leave well enough alone and do not approach any husbands whose wives you screwed. I mean, are you in contact day to day and everyone knows everything? But guilt is one thing and 15 years is a long time go. But it is true that some things are best left unsaid. If you feel that much guilt, maybe go volunteer somewhere it is needed as a payback if you feel compelled to do so

I would not approach the husbands.
I understand the feelings of guilt but like Internal War said some things are
better left unsaid. I also like the idea of volunteering to sort of put some positive
energy out there and like you have already said, you know it was wrong and
you have learned your lesson. Now its all about being a better you and spreading
some happiness and joy.

That's such a tough spot to be in, I get where you're coming from and i can relate to the messing with married women and a lot more things in my past that i feel ashamed of.

I hope that you still don't feel like removing your self from the world. The good thing about making mistakes in life is that we hopefully learn from them and can apply ourselves to a far greater good later in our lives.

The very things that fall on us and tear us apart bring an awareness that we can give to others to save their lives.

It's a blessing that you feel remorse, a lot of people do things, never change, never care, re offend continuing to hurt others and themselves. You don't have to be that person and the fact that you are hurt and angry with yourself gives you insight on how you may have affected someone else.

Keep your head up man.