I have been married 32 years.

I have been married 32 years. We have had serious issues and our marriage has been dysfunctional for some time in many ways. I’m responsible for the lion’s share of our problems due to poor decisions I made many years ago that I also was largely responsible for not getting properly resolved. One of the major mistakes I made was seeking external validation from my family and friends , which , of course has isolated her from these friends of mine and my family. Venting outside rather then within my marriage or to a therapist was an enormous mistake I regret

We live together separately in a generally disconnected state. We both came from unhealthy families and don’t want to break ours up. Our 3 children are grown and have moved away. All are doing well. I must admit I have been terrified about possible estrangement from my kids since our severe troubles began when they were young, about 14 years ago. She asked that I sign a post-nuptial agreement providing her with substantial financial assets if we divorced. I had legal counsel suggest I not sign this but did anyway, again terrified that I would be a part-time dad if I didn’t.
For any divorced men out there , was this fear present for you? Were any of you estranged from your grown children as a result of a divorce?

I still love my wife and truly wish I could have fixed this a long time ago, but have definitely failed thus far

@Pjones2051 I am sorry that you suffered through a divorce. I had one with no kids so that was still bad but kids must complicate it.

I had to stop assigning blame mostly to myself. No one wins the blame game. I regret actions I did but on looking back honestly I could not have done that much better in the place I was in.

Older children can easily get too busy in their lives. I do not count on that kind of thing happening even though I want the best for the daughter I am friends with now. I remember when I was there it was busy all the time and my partner was always doing things to take up more time. I never had enough time to do what needed to be done.

Hope you find some peace in your situation and start to let go of kids and ex as they are part of life that changes and has changed.

The question I started to ask myself in that situation is who am I now? What am I doing? What is the meaning of my life? I had to reinvent what I thought of myself and that was a long slow process but the only time to start is now.

All the best - CANDC

[If you want me to see your reply to this post please include @CANDC in your message - not in requoting my message]

I was divorced after 33 years of marriage. Sorry I m not a male, however my child has a good relationship with me and a good one w my ex, the father. We divorced after they were finished w college and our divorce did not affect the relationship between either of us.

Thank you all for your replies. I appreciate it.
@CANDC you’re right , that I’m holding on to my kids and my life as it was , not as it is now . They have all moved away ( though I’m not sure they won’t come back from time to time between schools) and I wish we could keep everything the same and constant. They , of course, are aware we’ve had issues, and certainly know we separated for about 3 months last summer.

Thanks again

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pjones2051 Thank you all for your replies. I appreciate it. @CANDC you’re right , that I’m holding on to my kids and my life as it was , not as it is now . They have all moved away ( though I’m not sure they won’t come back from time to time between schools) and I wish we could keep everything the same and constant. They , of course, are aware we’ve had issues, and certainly know we separated for about 3 months last summer. Thanks again

The empty nest is when the kids move away. It is very painful to me when I spend a huge chunk of my life dedicated to helping them grow and mature. And then they just disappear and may even feel like they want to get out of my sphere of influence. The good news is sometimes later in life they value how parents show them the different phases of life.

But divorce is another thing to deal with that is as or more painful. It was difficult for me to let go of the hope of reuniting with ex.

If you are interested, here are some support groups listed toward the end of this thread The Best Online Divorce Support Groups: A 2024 Guide – Forbes Health

Have a good day.

CANDC

I agree. The empty nest isn’t fun and I miss them terribly, but it pales in comparison to seeing marriage disintegrate. Not even close. I’m sure the empty nest issues would be easier if your marriage was healthy and you had each other to share those feelings with.

I have always hoped and still hope that we can fix our problems. Even though there is very little evidence for this I hold on to this hope. I’m sure all people married had dreams of how the future would be and all that gets vaporized with a divorce; visiting adult children and grandchildren together, travelling together , etc…, whatever it is. The loss is just devastating. I know that no one wins the blame game, but I can’t express my regret over the actions and decisions I made which has largely led to my current situation. Even though by all appearances and I cannot repair it, I cling to home that magically somehow I will figure out a way.

I am seeing a psychologist regularly. I tried a local divorce support group twice but felt it wasn’t quite right as I am still married( though obviously seriously struggling and separated in the house) and as far as I know all the other participants were divorced. I think I will try an online divorce support group this time around.

When my wife and I talk about the past, and we go down the same rabbit hole, it is hard every time and we make no progress. I see the distress and pain on her face and know it’s not good for either of us. I have hoped we could somehow move on forward but have been unable to despite efforts for about 14 years now.

@CANDC,

Thing for me is , that when I look back I believe I could have done a much better job as her husband. We married young. I knew she loved me and I knew that I loved her but also knew there were some issues and doubts I had that I figured would improve over time. Looking back ( we moved in together 34 years ago) I should have recognized these real issues and had the courage to tell her I wasn’t ready , maybe. Instead we got married , had children about 7 years later after she finished grad school and now here we are . I could have and should have had my walls and windows up protecting our marriage. I look back and wonder what the hell I was thinking. I guess I just didn’t appreciate the real risks I was taking and the fallout that would occur. I didn’t think about the potential devastating effects this would have on either of us, much less our kids.

@Pjones2051 you have been together 34 years. That is incredible. Some people I know do not make it for a year or two.

I am guessing that because it is ending in divorce you consider it a failure. How about looking at the success of holding together a relationship for 34 years, raising kids (that is not easy) and managing the empty nest, another challenge.

I am not a believer in the "till death do you part." I think life is full of changes and people change and grow in different directions and wake up one morning and relaize that each of you lives in a different world and mindset. That is normal not exceoptional. What is exceptional is how you kept this relationship going so long.

I played the blame game with myself. "If only I had..." then everything would still be okay. I had to quit playing that mind game on myself.

So what are you thinking about doing next?

@CANDC
I don’t know to be truthful. My wife and I had a long very unpleasant talk today for several hours. These conversations are always miserable for both of us. When I think about telling my kids about this, us separating or divorcing, even though they all live away, I feel sick and terrified , as I’ve said. I sometimes think , like today, that id rather live in our basement rather than have to tell them this and upset their applecart. I think my second child , aged 23, would have the hardest time with it, but of course , I’m not sure. And also, honestly as I’ve said, I am terrified how it might affect our relationship (I mean with any of my 3 kids). When my wife and I were separated for 10 weeks last year my oldest child , aged 24 at the time, told me her first priority was us having a healthy relationship regardless of the outcome of our separation at the time. I felt tremendously reassured and believed her, but the fear remains. Her partner’s parents were divorced when he was in middle school and so she, I’m sure , has a deep understanding what this was like for him. As far as I can tell her partner ( likely my future son in law) seems healthy , happy, and self-secured. He treats my daughter extraordinarily well and I can’t imagine he will ever make the mistakes I did. At least I hope not.
But to answer , I’m not sure what I’ll do next…just don’t know
I thank you for responded to me and reading all of these posts I placed today

And I’ll say I also think about the holidays and other special events and how they will not be the same. I know I’ll miss a lot of this time with them as their mother has been the glue and was the primary childcare. She has been a superb mother and deserves these relationships and more.
I also have never been good alone and that is frightening for me. Basically I fear what the future would look like , fear change. I read somwhere that you can be happily married , unhappily married and happily divorced or unhappily divorced. I believe this for sure

&CANDC above also to you

Woops. I meant to type @CANDC.
I must say I am close to 4 male friends and family members who all got divorced about the same time 6-8 years ago. 2 remarried, 1 with long term partner and the fourth one very happy and adjusted from what I can tell living alone and living his life

@neverending

You were married a bit longer than I’ve been. Did you struggle with it? How long did it take you to establish a new routine , or for the pain to subside , if you experienced this. I k ow not everyone does. A close friend of mine grieved , I think, his marriage before he was divorced , not after

I’m at work this morning and I do better here. Even tho I’m old enough to retire , I know I need the structure and friends I have here now. I have this feeling if I retired I would deteriorate. My wife saw our therapist this am. I’m guessing she talked to him about helping us structure a divorce in a way easiest for all of us. Really don’t know. Just know we can’t seem to move forward in anything close to a positive way. I’m glad my kids are grown.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pjones2051 I’m at work this morning and I do better here. Even tho I’m old enough to retire , I know I need the structure and friends I have here now. I have this feeling if I retired I would deteriorate. My wife saw our therapist this am. I’m guessing she talked to him about helping us structure a divorce in a way easiest for all of us. Really don’t know. Just know we can’t seem to move forward in anything close to a positive way. I’m glad my kids are grown.

@PJones

I also feel work can be a stabilizing situation. It does give structure and help anchor the life.

I wish I had taken better care of my meals after divorce. That and drinking moderately did not help my situation. What I do not that works better is eating healthy low carb diet, doing adrienne complete beginners yoga and 5 minute Tai Chi on youtube. They are far better than having a drink for my state of mind.

If you have not moved out you might want to start checking out the rental scene or long term hotels. At least you would have some options if it gets to that.

@CANDC

Thanks for response. I can find a place to live with Airbnb in r furnished finders until I figure what I want to do if it comes to it.

I don’t drink and my middle aged daughter signed up for a half marathon. This might motivate me to get back into running and run it with her. My wife and brother in law are already signed up but I think it’d be ok if I ran it with them

I play ice hockey 2 nights a week but need to come up with some other things , like meditation u suggested, to fill up some other time for sure. My daughter will come home for this race and I wonder where we will be by then. Since I don’t know, know it’s best to try and take it 1 day at a time.

@CANDC
I’ve thought off and on about signing up for TM but it’s pricey and I doubt I’d really do it for 20 minutes twice a day

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pjones2051 @CANDC I’ve thought off and on about signing up for TM but it’s pricey and I doubt I’d really do it for 20 minutes twice a day

@PJones
I hear you. Mindfulness to me is a good entry point into meditation. This free course says it is 8 weeks but no one will stand over your shoulder. Some people take longer.
It is free. Online MBSR/Mindfulness (Free)

Start any time go at your own pace. This can be life changing. CANDC

@CANDC

I appreciate the response and the link to the meditation website. I’ve not seen it before. Looks great
Thanks again for your support