the Family

ive been a member at PC several years and it seems to me that some members may not be aware of my story.. i've tried many times to begin it and ended with one of these

where to begin? the beginning is always the best they say so i was born about 45 years ago to a loving mother and father..

Mom and Dad divorced when i was near 3 or so, cant remember the exact date but i guess i could look it up like so many other things i think about sometimes..

it hurt pretty bad when they divorced cause it was breaking up the perfect team as far as i felt at the time.. loved them both, still do, always will...

Dad moved away, continued with life, found love and grew up himself (he was about 30 when he and mom married i think...

mom had to work, she was devastated by the divorce and her feelings are still a mystery to me sometimes.. she was injured in a DUI accident that nearly killed her when i was near 9 and i lived with my sister, mom, her second husband and their son, my half brother when it happened... its an event that shapes my life in many ways...

its so hard to watch a loved one suffer and to feel helpless.. i knew being nearby was sometimes the most that i could do and to try to catch her if she falls..

Dad is gettng older now.. we were close when i was young and we lived together at times as i grew up but he married a woman who just seemed to hate me and i could never understadn it... after moms wreck i was sent to live with dad and the other two kids stayed with mom.. it caused a division that is still an issue...

Dads' wife was physically andmentally abusive... i learned to duck physically and stuff emotions ... Dad either didnt notice or didnt want to get involved and i didnt want him to break up with her on my account so i put on my happy smile and went to school... but all really didnt go well there either but at first it did and i made what i thought were friends easily...

i couldnt take any more after 5 years of abuse and luckily i had an escape since mom was recovering and could deal with that many kids again... one day i walked in on my step brother raping his mentally challenged younger sister

i lost control at moms cause when i told dad i didnt want to live with him anymore he said i wasnt his son anymore...

this is about all i can write right now.. i'm feeling really badly and tired and i love you all...

Sometimes it hurts to remember nowhere...

It is so hard to be so young and see power so abused..innocence should never be so abruptly devowered...

I too, was a point in a triangle that was once a circle,,,and have been trying forever since to make circles...

You are a good man sir,,and help so many...

Thank you.

Lenny

your kindness is always welcome Lenny... i get older and now i have time to think back, line up and see with more carity those first events that began this career of healing for me... looking back is sometimes overpowering and overwhelming and sometimes i needed to step away and let my tears fall where others couldnt see... it seemed they rained inside forever.....

im so sorry you experienced those terrible things oasis.. i will never understand what it is that makes one person cause harm to another... even though i have retaliated many times, to begin a hatred is beyond my comprehension.. it slams the gears and wheels of an otherwise caring community of growth and potential... a family is no different.. growth ceases in an atmosphere of incivility... always sending kind caring vibes for you

Love you to NWTR. Sorry to hear about your past. Hope the future and present is MUCH better.

Love you too ((Clyde)))) (psst.....we need more superheroes)

i was never the same after i saw him raping her... i was in shock... i backed away, they didnt notice.... i turned, she wasnt crying then.... i became a zombie

(((((((Nowheretorun))))))))

Hey... you aren't alone. I come from a long line of abuse in my own family.
I "divorced" my own alcoholic (actively, not in recovery) and emotionally abusive father last summer to set a clear boundary as to what is and is not acceptable toward me as I am an adult. I haven't heard from him since and hey, that's acceptable to me. I made a choice and I stand by it.

Are you in therapy with a psychologist?
It took me years to learn to deal with the physical and emotional abuse/neglect on both sides of my family. I still deal with it in a way, although with therapy it doesn't affect me as much. Talking about it is the first step. Silence kills the soul as it is denial--denial is deadly. Talking about it with empathetic, understanding, and intelligent people who have experience with such matters (either in a support group and/or private therapy) is the key to escaping the past.

Oh yeah... I forgot to mention that I wasn't allowed to have any feelings/emotion that are separate from my family's when I was a child, and was not allowed to express anything that was my own emotion or thought. I was supposed to be seen and not heard. Yeah... that didn't work out well.

I also recommend writing in a journal anything and everything you want. It really helps. If you do art or want to give that a go, you can draw pictures in your journal or take photographs that help you express feelings you cannot put into words.

Be well. You are not alone. Many of us here have the same problems. Post here frequently. There is also a survivors of abuse thread that is really helpful.

(((Simcha)))) replying now since i am off and on at different crazy times these days, thanks a lot for your words andcares, for identifying and understanding.. getting it out is really helpful and with the others on the forums we are creating a co-healing that i am enjoying very much

processing the emotions, even though i can function, are still anxiety producing experiences for me.. i use meditations, visualizations, prayer, inner dialogue, and several other methods to manage my plate... i could choose to make my plate less full but there is a thing in me thats hard to describe... its something like a life duty to someone i havent seen in a very long time... i wont stop, cant stop.. will keep writing and talking and connecting with better health until i am gone from here, after that, i dont worry cause i feel its right to do the best things im capable in this moment... i get tired like others and feel sad that the hope was an illusion, ive felt spent and torn and upside down too... whats my choice tho? quit? not a good option so i just keep going...

Simcha, we dont do this work alone and we get little from anywhere that wasnt by way of someone somehow... thanks for being here

Hope is never an illusion.
Rainbows follow the darkest stormy days you know... Rainbows are also a reminder to me of a promise that I have not forgotten. Sunshine too, always follows darkness. These things I have not forgotten.

Have you read Victor Frankl's "Mans Search for Meaning"? Heavy stuff, but a good one.

heavy doesnt scare me if the wording is enjoyable and pleasant... i may have read the one you refer to Simcha, to be honest, ive taken in so much media about my issues that there might have been some turning point back in my past where it was enough finally.. at times it feels like every book written on the topic is lodged somewhere in my brain, reference able by me, not categorized by author, but instead by subject.. a meaning of life, for life , about life... all means the same to me.. read it first if you must, but choose to live it at some point in your own way... best always to you my friend

an afterthought Simcha, yes, i have been and continue to do therapy in my own way, through the experience of life, applying what ive learned so far and creating caring, growing relationships with others to the best of my ability always, everywhere i go, in real life, and here (trying anyway).. a simple rule i follow is that 'everyone is my teacher'... sometimes that puts the other in a place of not wanting to be my teacher.. i need to accept that and move on.. as the student, in class or on the grass, i am always learning, always processing, always asking and always searching... the answers are always right before my eyes, it is often only a matter of being still, and listening.. best to you again