Getting caught

Ok guys, here's something I didn't think I'd be posting at this point, but here goes. How do you talk to your son about masterbating? Any experiences?

My son's to turn 14 in August. Caught him last night in a situation I'd like to describe as "typical teenager". He thought everyone had gone to bed and was on the couch in the family room. I had been outside late into the evening on the deck. He flipped on one of the Cinemax channels which shows some moderately sexual shows in the late evening. I didn't let on that I saw him but as I came into the room, I made enough noise to let him know I was there.

I wouldn't have minded a dad to talk to about it (at least once) when I was a kid. My adoptive dad died when I was 6. A generation apart, he would have been in his late 70s when I turned 13 or 14. I just don't know if I should bring it up now or just let it die. We have found downloaded movies on his computer and do check out what he's getting into on the internet. But I know there are lots of ways to avoid being caught, so I would like to try to handle this in a way that is healthy.

When I was a kid in the late 70s and 80s, we had magazines. Now, the internet and tv is like a wild west in terms of porn and "implied" sexuality. Even the beer commercials are better - I mean, sexier... - than when I was a kid. I would like to teach him to limit his urges, if at all possible.

Still haven't mentioned it to the wife. If I do, it may become more of an issue if he knows "everyone knows". Some things I want to do (tell me if it's too much). I want to put on more parental controls on the TVs and limit internet access somewhat. Of course I can't stop his interests but I want to make it healthy before it becomes too "objectified". I also need to get him out of the house more and spending more time with people. He's going into 9th grade next year at a larger school - he will be in a new world there than he is now. Dating will be starting at some point too.

Kids grow up and this is a normal thing, I know. The thing(s) I'm worried about are partly my own feelings towards sexuality and becoming objectified vs. loving and nurturing. He's in a better place emotionally and personally than I was as a kid - but is still a kid and I do want to be a parent who cares in this situation.

Any tips?

I just told my son it was a natural thing to do and that it's private, so to always do it in private.

my son is only 4 so im a long way from that topic~!

I just wish he would poop on the potty!

I'm not a parent but rather a 19-year old son. Unfortunately, I too was caught doing the deed or whatever metaphor you choose to use by my father. I'm sure he knew, in fact, I'm certain he knew but he pretended like he didn't. For me it was internet porn and I never heard him enter the room. Anyways, he didn't really care then but later we had the infamous "sex talk". I have no idea if he told my mother and I never felt the need to ask, not then, not now and not in the future.

There are programs to download to try to minimize the amount of porn and such he can see on the computer, however, these programs are not perfect. For TV, you can set a parental control for certain TV/movie ratings. However, remember that at that age and in this era, he'll still get his hands on it sooner or later.

You can talk with him about it, let him know you've been there, done that, etc... . Telling the mother is up to you. He may be embarassed to talk or even deny it that he was doing the deed.

Thanks Grey - you're appreciated for the feedback from his point of view.

I do have the parental controls installed now on the TV. He asked if he could setup the NetFlix account on the XBox in his room - I said no to that. We haven't yet talked about it (just happened Sat. night) - so I'm thinking I want to approach it with the caring father who wants him to avoid getting addicted to stuff like internet porn or other accesses. I know he'll get his friends to tell him how to avoid filters on the PC. So, other than putting in a Proxy server on our home network (we're pretty tech savvy) I think I need to at least trust him and our daughter for now.

If I was 13 or 14 and had the internet like it is now - I wouldn't leave the house! :-)

I think the wise approach is to be open and honest with your son. You were in his shoes once so you have an idea of how he may feel on the subject. The 'sex talk' is uncomfortable for everyone.. both father and son. Look at it as an opportunity to share who you are and your life experiences and the wisdom you've gained. Who knows he may end up seeing the person behind the 'dad' in whom he can confide and communicate openly with. I also feel that this falls under the 'father/son confidentiality clause'.

I to am the son and my Dad told my Mom about it, and long story short I don't tell him anything I don't want Mom to hear about. If I was you I would not tell the wife and try to keep the conversation on the down low. But my friends have had different experiences. One such was his Dad gave him a playboy and said if you have any questions just ask, and walked out of the room. So, it's your choice.

bonaire
Ohhgg...my oldest boy is 11...I'm not looking forward to this...

Still haven't mentioned it to the wife. If I do, it may become more of an issue if he knows "everyone knows".
good point. Maybe you can tell her just so she knows & isn't...ummm...caught off gaurd but ask her not to say anything to him.
Some things I want to do (tell me if it's too much). I want to put on more parental controls on the TVs and limit internet access somewhat.
Good idea
Of course I can't stop his interests but I want to make it healthy before it becomes too "objectified".
Yes, if it all possible...YES!!

I don't really know how I'm going to address it yet...Probably just let him know it's normal & to keep it private...I don't really know what else to say about it.

LK

Sex was a topic not discussed when I was a kid. My Dad did catch me once but pretended he didn't and never said anything about it. I was lucky in that I had two older brothers who "showed me the ropes". Don't tell Mom. At some point she'll make a comment that let's him know she knows and he'll be embarrassed and that'll stop communication between the two of you. It's a Dad/Son topic. Good luck!

I think the key concept with masturbation is "Do it and enjoy it...it sure beats getting somebody pregnant by mistake..."

I really have to be ready to talk about this with my son...want to get out ahead of it...he seems young now but it's going to be here in no time.

When I was 11, I was caught by my mother in full view. She just stared then turned and walked away not saying a thing. And it was never talked about.

I hated her anyway so it didn't matter what she thought and with how I was treated be her all my younger years, she probably loved it.

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This is very common for guys. the best thing to do is not even tell him you noticed because he might feel embaressed, or he could think you were spying on him, etc... IF you feel like you would like to talk to him, don't even tell him you saw him. start the coversation along the lines of growing up, changing, and all that stuff. Then just remind him to make sure he clears his history if hes using a cmputer and all that so that siblings or other people don't find out what hes up to.

Im sure you are a great dad and will make the right choice.

Roman.

I guess i'm in a position to give you pretty much first hand (excuse the pun) advice on this.

I'm 16 myself and started at the age of 12, my Mother was always strictly religious and sex was a no-go subject for her and my Father never seemed to care that much. My mother talked to me for the first time in my life about sex and sexuality a few months ago, I was slightly annoyed to be honest at the lack of advice and support I had been given(or lack of).

After the conversation, she left me feeling very embarassed and insecure, so I would suggest you try not to sound nagging or aggresive.

One of the things I find most annoying is the lack of privacy I get, so i'm sure your son feel would savour that.

Good luck

Here, I will be honest. DON'T make a deal out of it. Masturbation is not dirty, it's not a bad thing! It already sounds like that's your goal. AND there's nothing wrong with removing the aid. AKA the Cinemax. We guys can be pretty darn creative in our minds. LOL! Now would be a great time to discuss how a man treats a woman and how to respect the opposite sex. Let him know those urges are natural and healthy too. Let him know you are there for him and he can come to you any time with questions. Yeah, be sure to throw some safe sex in there too!

Hi bonaire...

I don't know if objectification is the issue here. Stimulie for masterbation does not necessarily result in objectifying.

I think what can be more lasting is any shame he might experience through being "caught". Some of that shame may come from you. Shame has a way of doing that,,cross generational. How you were taught to view masterbation and its "secrecy"..blindness sort of nonsense,,some dogma from relgious points of view, and the overall victorian slant on sexuality that has permeated our ideas about sex in western cultures for a few centuries...

I would certainly talk to him about it..maybe over a quiet dinner sometime...

Explain that masterbation is completely normal,,,literally everyone does it...that you have also and still do. It is a part of normal sexual developement and fantasy. Encourage him to ask any questions he may have about the incident or anything for that matter. He is at an age where having someone, especially a loving parent, that can validate his feelings no matter what they are, is most important...

We all should strive to break the cycle of shame...

With Care,

Lenny

Well as a 21 year old man who has a child, I want to offer up these simple thoughts. Growing up, I went through my own short porn/masturbating phase, got to high school, and found a whole new world of possibilities. Mainly, it was a thought process of, "Hey, why would I do it myself when there's all these girls who are willing to do it for me?" Personally, I wish I could go back in time and rediscover my "alone time" rather than do what I did and use other people. Well, long story short, my lack of understanding and sexual habits came back to bite me in the form of my son. I guess the point I would like to make here is that I feel that the masturbating is that release that we all need, and I would much rather see younger men take care of their basic needs themselves rather than take the chance of what happened to me happening to them. This is something I have regular conversations with my younger (19) brother about because I want the best for him.

Again, just my 2 cents, hope it helps somewhat.

When my stepfather sat me down and tried to have a talk about masturbation, I stopped him real quick and told him I had already figured it out and wasn't having a problem with it. Believe me, at that point I was already proficient. The prospect of 'going there' with Dad was mortifying.

My stepfather handled the discussion perfectly:

"Well, if you have any questions, let me know!"