[ManSpyder]

I believe myself to have certain narcissistic traits, perhaps even the full-blown disorder. I've always had extreme problems caring for others, as all I tend to think about is myself. I rarely think of consequences, especially interpersonal or emotional ones, when I speak to people, coming across as either arrogant or harsh.

I have just broke up with my girlfriend of 14 months. I had felt like since the beginning I'd been living a sort of lie, because she was quite overweight for her 4'11" frame. Nevertheless, despite my nagging doubts I decided to make a go of the relationship. She was a lovely person with whom i had instantly clicked on the phone and over Skype video calls. We initially met through an online dating website.

At the first date, she invited me back to her flat. I felt so comfortable with her, I decided to take her up on her offer. Though after the first few weekends, I had begun to express doubt in my mind regarding her weight. She had quite wide hips, twice as wide as mine, excessive cellulite on her thighs and stretchmarks on her breasts. I found this off-putting, so I asked my friends for advice. Their responses were all the same - that I was looking into things too much and being shallow. I took their points, and tried to switch off the negative thoughts. I'd had previous times where my head lied to me, so just put these feelings aside and carried on.

These negative thoughts and feelings resurfaced again a few months later, and once again my friends advised me that if I really loved her that would not be an issue. So once again, I buried those feelings and just carried on.

Recently, within the last month those feelings resurfaced when she has evidently got a bit bigger. I noticed I had started to distance myself from her, missing some of her calls or leaving it a while to respond to messages. This time, I couldn't just ignore these feelings, and I felt like I wanted a get-out.

This last weekend, I decided to question her on her weight issue, and asked her if there was anything I could do to help her. She responded by asking me, if she wouldn't or couldn't lose weight, would it be the end of the relationship? I struggled with myself, before saying that it would be important for both me and her health.

She asks me how long I've felt her weight was a problem, and if there was anything else I found off-putting. I told her that yes, her cellulite and stretchmarks on her breasts did affect me, since the beginning. At the time, I felt like I was doing the honest thing, though after it was pointed out to me by someone else, I now know that was such a horrible and emotionally abusive thing to say, quite honestly devastating.

I told her afterwards that I still loved who she was (which is true, she is a lovely person to talk to and really understood me), and we cried while making little jokes about the good times we had. I asked her why she didn't feel angry about me in any way, and she responded that 'we're both adults'. It made me feel a bit more at ease. Though I have no idea how she honestly felt at that time. If anything she was reassuring ME (which now I feel I somehow manipulated into happening - I have a habit of making myself the victim and not the villain).

It got late, and I made my move to leave, but she asked me to stay, one more time. I held her tightly all through the night, knowing that my dishonesty about my own feelings had taken an effect on the relationship. We woke, and walked to her bus stop together, holding hands, once again laughing about our good times. I waited for her bus, and she told me she still wanted to be friends. Despite my reservations about how this could work, I told her yes, I would like that.

Today, after speaking to someone about what happened, I was told that my handling of the situation was so terrible. I should have never mentioned her body imperfections, nor how long it had bothered me. It amounted to verbal, emotional abuse (and now I'm not as confused as to why her brother messaged me asking if I want to say something to him).

The thing is, all throughout this, all Ive wanted to do is avoid being the villain. Sometimes consciously, mostly unconsciously, and my behaviour manifests itself through that. I've been unable to empathise with my partner, and what she may be feeling, I've been unable to address how devastating hearing that from someone you love and hold dearly really is.

I've done this before, with another overweight girl, because I am a user and need to feed my low self-esteem with people who I can feel superior over and who I know would never leave me. I dumped her by email because, get this, she was being awfully manipulative and guilt-tripping me, and I didn't see it for years.

I want to do something about this but I know the psychological damage is already done. I feel truly gutted for treating her so badly, to the point where I just want to die. Though it can be argued that this is my self-pity kicking in again, to try and distract from what's really the issue.

She still wants to be friends, though after this, is there really any hope? It's funny how she made me feel at ease during this break-up, and I offered her so little sympathy or empathy in return. All I gave her was pain.

She was aware I was waiting for a psychologist evaluation for a long time. I finally got an appointment yesterday for 2 weeks time. Though now it's too late for this situation. I now don't know what to do.

[glok]

Hello, ManSpyder. Keep this post. It would be useful if therapy becomes part of your future.

[trying2survive]

Originally Posted by ManSpyder

I believe myself to have certain narcissistic traits, perhaps even the full-blown disorder. I've always had extreme problems caring for others, as all I tend to think about is myself. I rarely think of consequences, especially interpersonal or emotional ones, when I speak to people, coming across as either arrogant or harsh.

I have just broke up with my girlfriend of 14 months. I had felt like since the beginning I'd been living a sort of lie, because she was quite overweight for her 4'11" frame. Nevertheless, despite my nagging doubts I decided to make a go of the relationship. She was a lovely person with whom i had instantly clicked on the phone and over Skype video calls. We initially met through an online dating website.

At the first date, she invited me back to her flat. I felt so comfortable with her, I decided to take her up on her offer. Though after the first few weekends, I had begun to express doubt in my mind regarding her weight. She had quite wide hips, twice as wide as mine, excessive cellulite on her thighs and stretchmarks on her breasts. I found this off-putting, so I asked my friends for advice. Their responses were all the same - that I was looking into things too much and being shallow. I took their points, and tried to switch off the negative thoughts. I'd had previous times where my head lied to me, so just put these feelings aside and carried on.

These negative thoughts and feelings resurfaced again a few months later, and once again my friends advised me that if I really loved her that would not be an issue. So once again, I buried those feelings and just carried on.

Recently, within the last month those feelings resurfaced when she has evidently got a bit bigger. I noticed I had started to distance myself from her, missing some of her calls or leaving it a while to respond to messages. This time, I couldn't just ignore these feelings, and I felt like I wanted a get-out.

This last weekend, I decided to question her on her weight issue, and asked her if there was anything I could do to help her. She responded by asking me, if she wouldn't or couldn't lose weight, would it be the end of the relationship? I struggled with myself, before saying that it would be important for both me and her health.

She asks me how long I've felt her weight was a problem, and if there was anything else I found off-putting. I told her that yes, her cellulite and stretchmarks on her breasts did affect me, since the beginning. At the time, I felt like I was doing the honest thing, though after it was pointed out to me by someone else, I now know that was such a horrible and emotionally abusive thing to say, quite honestly devastating.

I told her afterwards that I still loved who she was (which is true, she is a lovely person to talk to and really understood me), and we cried while making little jokes about the good times we had. I asked her why she didn't feel angry about me in any way, and she responded that 'we're both adults'. It made me feel a bit more at ease. Though I have no idea how she honestly felt at that time. If anything she was reassuring ME (which now I feel I somehow manipulated into happening - I have a habit of making myself the victim and not the villain).

It got late, and I made my move to leave, but she asked me to stay, one more time. I held her tightly all through the night, knowing that my dishonesty about my own feelings had taken an effect on the relationship. We woke, and walked to her bus stop together, holding hands, once again laughing about our good times. I waited for her bus, and she told me she still wanted to be friends. Despite my reservations about how this could work, I told her yes, I would like that.

Today, after speaking to someone about what happened, I was told that my handling of the situation was so terrible. I should have never mentioned her body imperfections, nor how long it had bothered me. It amounted to verbal, emotional abuse (and now I'm not as confused as to why her brother messaged me asking if I want to say something to him).

The thing is, all throughout this, all Ive wanted to do is avoid being the villain. Sometimes consciously, mostly unconsciously, and my behaviour manifests itself through that. I've been unable to empathise with my partner, and what she may be feeling, I've been unable to address how devastating hearing that from someone you love and hold dearly really is.

I've done this before, with another overweight girl, because I am a user and need to feed my low self-esteem with people who I can feel superior over and who I know would never leave me. I dumped her by email because, get this, she was being awfully manipulative and guilt-tripping me, and I didn't see it for years.

I want to do something about this but I know the psychological damage is already done. I feel truly gutted for treating her so badly, to the point where I just want to die. Though it can be argued that this is my self-pity kicking in again, to try and distract from what's really the issue.

She still wants to be friends, though after this, is there really any hope? It's funny how she made me feel at ease during this break-up, and I offered her so little sympathy or empathy in return. All I gave her was pain.

She was aware I was waiting for a psychologist evaluation for a long time. I finally got an appointment yesterday for 2 weeks time. Though now it's too late for this situation. I now don't know what to do.

first of all thinking about yourself is not a bad thing...from what i have found most other people do the same thing...narcissistic or not. I have noticed the first time things are about "you" and not "them" the narcissist label comes out.

i have been called narcissistic by an ex gf and by a girl i was talking to recently that we never made it that far. I could really care less whether someone believes i am a narcissist or not, far as i am concerned i am not and that is good enough for me

i was in a similar situation as you with one of my ex gf..she was a bigger girl when we met & we also met through an online dating site, she lived in oregon and i live in ohio..originally i had no intention of starting a relationship with this girl, but she was really nice to me and we spent a ton of time talking on the phone and eventually she flew out to meet me and spend a week with me ( which i was really impressed by this!).

when she first flew out she didn't dress up at all, didn't "pretty" herself up a bit and was larger and older than the pictures she had online depicted...i was a bit angry, but she was here for a week and i wasn't going to leave her at the airport( there's that empathy..so i guess that rules me out for being a narcissist ha ha ha) eventually later in our relationship i told her about how disappointed i was when she showed up..being truthful.

so anyhow i enjoyed the week, we had sex quite often and i decided "well she is nice" & i was devastated from my previous break up & with me being BPD and VERY,VERY impulsive i said ***** it..i'm gonna go for it, fat girl or not.

i let her come out again the following month and she was with me at my home for the entire month, she flew back home the following month and i decided/we decided she should move in..so i flew out to oregon..we got a penske truck and drove cross country back to Ohio.

now i told her the weight was kind of an issue for me, so we worked on it. we started going to the gym, working out and eating healthy. no fried foods or sweets, turkey,chicken and fish and vegetables. so the weight was starting to come off and it was time to work on that appearance..

IMHO i don't believe you were being shallow..you wanted a gf you could be proud of, i told my ex this many times, some people probably aren't going to agree with me & that's fine. you shouldn't have to be disgusted every time you look at your gf/be embarrassed to be seen with her in public...your gf/bf is a representation of you..regardless of what other people say..it's you that have to live with her.

unless your gf/ex gf has some genetic disease where she cannot lose weight, it is her responsibility to get off her ***** and get to that gym and take responsibility for her diet. as a bf it is your responsibility to support her and go to the gym with her and help her through the temptations.

unless you have a genetic disorder..there is no excuse for being fat, it's simply a lack of self control and laziness.period. all the 'well my family is all big " and all those excuses are rubbish. point blank. gym memberships are very inexpensive now & it's just simply getting the motivation to begin and to stick with it.

she started to get bigger and bigger and you didn't want to get stuck with this, so you started not answering calls and etc, understandable.the right thing to do was to do what you did and confront her about the weight situation..it's a lot better than cheating on her with someone smaller and breaking her heart(that would have been rotten..more empathy)

so at that point it is up to HER to decide to do something about her eating habits and her health, you put it the right way( being concerned about her health) for her to say"what if i wouldn't lose weight" expresses a desire to be lazy and stay the same and avoid change, if she was serious she would have asked for your help in losing weight and we wouldn't be having this discussion..you guys would be at the gym.

idk if i would have mentioned the cellulite and stretch marks..i probably would have addressed one thing at a time, this is what i tried to do with my ex, let's get that weight under control and then we can deal with these other issues, but hey..it's done now..right?

i don't think your handling of the situation was all that bad, she asked the questions..you gave her honest answers..i am a firm believer in "don't ask questions you don't want the answers to" so i don't!

EVERYONE is a USER in some respect, we all want and do different things to get things from people and in different ways..but it's all the same. i have done the "superior' thing too, thinking there is no way she'll leave me for my own protection as well so you are not alone..idk if the friends thing will work, with me in the end things got outta control, but i learned alot about myself and decided i wasn't going to settle anymore bcos of fear of someone leaving me and i was going to go for the girls i deserve and can be proud of..hope this helps

Originally Posted by ManSpyder

I believe myself to have certain narcissistic traits, perhaps even the full-blown disorder. I've always had extreme problems caring for others, as all I tend to think about is myself. I rarely think of consequences, especially interpersonal or emotional ones, when I speak to people, coming across as either arrogant or harsh.

I have just broke up with my girlfriend of 14 months. I had felt like since the beginning I'd been living a sort of lie, because she was quite overweight for her 4'11" frame. Nevertheless, despite my nagging doubts I decided to make a go of the relationship. She was a lovely person with whom i had instantly clicked on the phone and over Skype video calls. We initially met through an online dating website.

At the first date, she invited me back to her flat. I felt so comfortable with her, I decided to take her up on her offer. Though after the first few weekends, I had begun to express doubt in my mind regarding her weight. She had quite wide hips, twice as wide as mine, excessive cellulite on her thighs and stretchmarks on her breasts. I found this off-putting, so I asked my friends for advice. Their responses were all the same - that I was looking into things too much and being shallow. I took their points, and tried to switch off the negative thoughts. I'd had previous times where my head lied to me, so just put these feelings aside and carried on.

These negative thoughts and feelings resurfaced again a few months later, and once again my friends advised me that if I really loved her that would not be an issue. So once again, I buried those feelings and just carried on.

Recently, within the last month those feelings resurfaced when she has evidently got a bit bigger. I noticed I had started to distance myself from her, missing some of her calls or leaving it a while to respond to messages. This time, I couldn't just ignore these feelings, and I felt like I wanted a get-out.

This last weekend, I decided to question her on her weight issue, and asked her if there was anything I could do to help her. She responded by asking me, if she wouldn't or couldn't lose weight, would it be the end of the relationship? I struggled with myself, before saying that it would be important for both me and her health.

She asks me how long I've felt her weight was a problem, and if there was anything else I found off-putting. I told her that yes, her cellulite and stretchmarks on her breasts did affect me, since the beginning. At the time, I felt like I was doing the honest thing, though after it was pointed out to me by someone else, I now know that was such a horrible and emotionally abusive thing to say, quite honestly devastating.

I told her afterwards that I still loved who she was (which is true, she is a lovely person to talk to and really understood me), and we cried while making little jokes about the good times we had. I asked her why she didn't feel angry about me in any way, and she responded that 'we're both adults'. It made me feel a bit more at ease. Though I have no idea how she honestly felt at that time. If anything she was reassuring ME (which now I feel I somehow manipulated into happening - I have a habit of making myself the victim and not the villain).

It got late, and I made my move to leave, but she asked me to stay, one more time. I held her tightly all through the night, knowing that my dishonesty about my own feelings had taken an effect on the relationship. We woke, and walked to her bus stop together, holding hands, once again laughing about our good times. I waited for her bus, and she told me she still wanted to be friends. Despite my reservations about how this could work, I told her yes, I would like that.

Today, after speaking to someone about what happened, I was told that my handling of the situation was so terrible. I should have never mentioned her body imperfections, nor how long it had bothered me. It amounted to verbal, emotional abuse (and now I'm not as confused as to why her brother messaged me asking if I want to say something to him).

The thing is, all throughout this, all Ive wanted to do is avoid being the villain. Sometimes consciously, mostly unconsciously, and my behaviour manifests itself through that. I've been unable to empathise with my partner, and what she may be feeling, I've been unable to address how devastating hearing that from someone you love and hold dearly really is.

I've done this before, with another overweight girl, because I am a user and need to feed my low self-esteem with people who I can feel superior over and who I know would never leave me. I dumped her by email because, get this, she was being awfully manipulative and guilt-tripping me, and I didn't see it for years.

I want to do something about this but I know the psychological damage is already done. I feel truly gutted for treating her so badly, to the point where I just want to die. Though it can be argued that this is my self-pity kicking in again, to try and distract from what's really the issue.

She still wants to be friends, though after this, is there really any hope? It's funny how she made me feel at ease during this break-up, and I offered her so little sympathy or empathy in return. All I gave her was pain.

She was aware I was waiting for a psychologist evaluation for a long time. I finally got an appointment yesterday for 2 weeks time. Though now it's too late for this situation. I now don't know what to do.

Just some of my thoughts:
You like fat girls so why complain to them about it?
You say you gave no sympathy or had no empathy yet you cuddled all night long, walked her to the bus stop while holding hands and laughing about the past and yes you agreed to remain friends. A real NARC wouldn't of caved in to staying the night, consoling and laughing. They just would be done with no explanation needed and if pushed would of got real mean.

[Rubytuesday81]

What strikes me though is where you say you are unable to emphasise with your partner and her feelings and how devastating hearing it from someone you love but then you go on to say you feel truly gutted for treating her badly and you want to die because of it. You sound confused and are contradicting yourself to be honest.

[shakespeare47]

@ the OP
It is tough to know how to deal with those thoughts and feelings all people have. Should we tell others what we're thinking, knowing full well those thoughts will cause pain to the other?

I don't know that you should beat yourself up too badly. You were trying to be honest with yourself and with her. If you don't want to date someone who is overweight, there is nothing that says you must.

I don't know that what you describe is narcissism, but I'm not a mental health professional, and only they can make a diagnosis.