[lisot00]

This might be long so i thank you in advance for reading and hopefully responding.
After years and years of repeating the same behaviors (I'm 29 about to turn 30) and suffering a massive anxiety attack, I finally decided to do something and go seek help. I found a psychiatrist through work, who is excellent by the way, and after a series of sessions informed me that I fall into the NPD spectrum. While I do not warrant a full diagnosis for N, I have enough traits that it's clearly affecting my life in negative ways. I feel, personally, that the biggest struggle I've always had is two-fold; 1. I have suffered from a severe lack of empathy throughout adolescence and adulthood that is only recently begun to become consciously apparent to me (I can recall throughout my life having a hard time as seeing other people as having emotions and thoughts of their own) and 2. I'm generally exploitive of other people's feelings to achieve my own ends of self approval and admiration, basically every single relationship I have ever had has not only faltered but has done so in extreme fashion.
This leads me to why i'm here. I genuinely feel love for the first time in my life. Not to say that i haven't loved before, but it never felt real i guess? whatever. I found someone that i want to be with, someone who makes me feel like i can be a better person. Coupled with my therapy i am actively taking steps to subdue my N traits. Here is my dilemma: the woman i love, we've know each other for years (8 to be exact). we started dating roughly 2 years ago. The first year was ok, but it ended due to my N traits and inability to care for her emotionally. after some time apart we came back together, but it was never the same really, and we split a few months ago. That did not go well (i was wrecked, she was wrecked, we needed space), and is around the same time i had the anxiety attack and went to therapy. after awhile we got back together and now i feel as though i can generally care for her and be emotionally supportive. She says she wants this, but she doesn't always act accordingly. that brings me to my next part, i'm almost positive, and my psychiatrist agrees, that she is borderline, which makes sense why we would be so constantly attracted to each other. She is difficult to handle sometimes, to say the least, but none the less i love her and want to try to build a stable relationship. She is currently not in therapy or diagnosed properly (to my knowledge).
My question, and hopefully someone out there has had a similar experience they can share with me, is do i attempt to continue this relationship? is this a futile attempt to achieve happiness? am i just doing this to appease my own vanity and seek admiration? I never really know, im always trying to figure it out but keep running circles in my head. if anyone out there can offer me anything i would be appreciative.

Originally Posted by lisot00

This might be long so i thank you in advance for reading and hopefully responding.
After years and years of repeating the same behaviors (I'm 29 about to turn 30) and suffering a massive anxiety attack, I finally decided to do something and go seek help. I found a psychiatrist through work, who is excellent by the way, and after a series of sessions informed me that I fall into the NPD spectrum. While I do not warrant a full diagnosis for N, I have enough traits that it's clearly affecting my life in negative ways. I feel, personally, that the biggest struggle I've always had is two-fold; 1. I have suffered from a severe lack of empathy throughout adolescence and adulthood that is only recently begun to become consciously apparent to me (I can recall throughout my life having a hard time as seeing other people as having emotions and thoughts of their own) and 2. I'm generally exploitive of other people's feelings to achieve my own ends of self approval and admiration, basically every single relationship I have ever had has not only faltered but has done so in extreme fashion.
This leads me to why i'm here. I genuinely feel love for the first time in my life. Not to say that i haven't loved before, but it never felt real i guess? whatever. I found someone that i want to be with, someone who makes me feel like i can be a better person. Coupled with my therapy i am actively taking steps to subdue my N traits. Here is my dilemma: the woman i love, we've know each other for years (8 to be exact). we started dating roughly 2 years ago. The first year was ok, but it ended due to my N traits and inability to care for her emotionally. after some time apart we came back together, but it was never the same really, and we split a few months ago. That did not go well (i was wrecked, she was wrecked, we needed space), and is around the same time i had the anxiety attack and went to therapy. after awhile we got back together and now i feel as though i can generally care for her and be emotionally supportive. She says she wants this, but she doesn't always act accordingly. that brings me to my next part, i'm almost positive, and my psychiatrist agrees, that she is borderline, which makes sense why we would be so constantly attracted to each other. She is difficult to handle sometimes, to say the least, but none the less i love her and want to try to build a stable relationship. She is currently not in therapy or diagnosed properly (to my knowledge).
My question, and hopefully someone out there has had a similar experience they can share with me, is do i attempt to continue this relationship? is this a futile attempt to achieve happiness? am i just doing this to appease my own vanity and seek admiration? I never really know, im always trying to figure it out but keep running circles in my head. if anyone out there can offer me anything i would be appreciative.

The answers you seek are set to fail. You cannot base what you want on what ifs only in the attempts of trying to make it work. Sure it could be true you are in this for your own self to try and get what you feel you cannot have an so on. The only way to get to the truth is by trying to make something out of it rather than questioning motives. We all have reasons why but it only works without trying to seek the why's. If you base the answers you seek on your new found issues you will only drive yourself nuts. Be together not based on what you think you both have rather than what feels right. If it works it works, if not this too shall pass!!!

I intrigue you Valentina, do I not??