[NuckingFutz]

Hey guys, went no contact yesterday evening with my whole family. They are that enmeshed and toxic to me. I'm 53 years old and I am just now doing this.

I can't seem to obtain any of my goals or live in peace while I have them in my life. They seem to sabotage everything that I work for.

They are judgemental and super controlling. I just can't be around them anymore.

I'm kind of sad because some of my family members are nice (in laws, cousins) but I have to let them go to so nothing gets back to the flying monkeys. I will get over that some day, but I've got to let them go for my peace of mind.

My t agrees with me...I have been seeing her for months with no progress because of all the crap that goes on with my family. She finally agrees with me that I need to have no contact with them.

On one hand I'm concerned that they will try and bait me into breaking no contact. They have already sent the mental health police over to check on me (harassment in my book).

I am bipolar, but stable at the the moment.

I am notifying the desk that no family member is to come on property and if they do, I will call security. No answering the phone, voice mail picks it up and I save messages in case things escalate. No answering the door should they come knocking.

Although it's only been over 24 hours, I feel freer, less oppressed and better able to take care of myself.

I'd like some support while I go through this transition and hope that anyone who has gone through this can give me more hope.

Thank you for reading this.

[Atypical_Disaster]

I've cut off contact with 99% of my family and I have not once regretted that decision. Why I did it isn't something I care to go into details about as this is the internet and all, but I will say that they are all very unhealthy people and I did not have the time to invest in relationships with "family" who do literally nothing to help themselves.

From your description of how your family has been affecting you, you're doing the right thing. You shouldn't have to put up with people who are robbing you of your emotional and mental health even if it's your family who sounds like they don't bother acting like a family should act.

Keeping a record of any harassment is a good idea, that can come in handy later if things start to escalate.

Cutting ties with my family was far easier on me emotionally as I am a Narcissist, but it still wasn't a cake walk as a few of my family members simply do not understand the concept of boundaries and just letting something the **** go already. I kept a record of the ones that were harassing me and filed reports when I had enough information, and frankly I found it funny that they were stupid enough to mess with me when I warned them very clearly what would happen if they continued to annoy the ever living **** out of me.

I wish you all the best with your decision. I am horrifically bad at emotional support obviously ha ha ha, but if you need practical advice about how to deal with this kind of situation you are more than welcome to send me a message. As I said, I think you're totally doing the right thing and you do have my support albeit it isn't out of empathy but out of logic.

I'm in the process of doing this myself. I'm considering even going to the extreme of disowning them and getting a legal name change and dropping out of the state once I save up some more money. Most of them don't give a damn about me so why should I give a damn about them?

There is nothing wrong with what you're doing. After all, any person's responsibility should be taking care of themselves first and foremost. If anybody else is a threat to you and your needs, regardless if they are family or not, it is your duty as an organism to fight back even if you must hurt them emotionally or even physically in the process.

I wish you well with your decision

Funny that this thread began as I always say that family isn't all it's cracked up to be. The crap statement of blood is thicker than water means what? Because someone else decided to have me and that their ways are not right I should just agree that because of this it should mean something? If people are toxic why should you even consider staying around. The other day I told my 70 something year old mother to go f$%^ herself and that she is done!!! That she will never see my kids, wife and myself and I am OK with that. Family to me is just another word especially when it has to do with the ones who do not live under MY roof. If the people in your life are no good F^&$ them!!! Be gone and free rather than trying to live up to something that somebody thought to explain as important for all!!!

Agreed. Any dumb *** couple can have sex and pump out a kid. Just because somebody is fertile and capable of producing life doesn't make them worthy of respect.

To me, true family isn't about blood, but is about people who have your back no matter what and people that you don't have to hide your dark side or personality "issues" from.

[HairlessMop]

Family is not always necessarily "blood". I ride a Harley and spent 25yrs in the military and have a closer bond to some of my "brothers" whom I've known for less than 6 mths over some of my "blood" family. However, sometimes the "extended" family will accept you and help you BECAUSE you ARE "blood" where others would walk away. But, don't mistake their care and concern as just that. They may have ulterior motives, but you might just get lucky with one or two. And you KNOW who you can "possibly" trust enough to test those waters, but ALWAYS TRUST YOUR GUT. 9 out of 10 times it's right. You have to do what is right for you and if your family is toxic then you need to separate yourself. That being said you may find that one or two truly do care, but until you separate the chaff from the wheat so to speak...

But, just because we served and deployed together or we ride together does NOT necessarily mean you are automatically or can even become my "brother" or "sister" until you've earned that right.

[Cat_Lover_58]

I've gone NO CONTACT and it's great. Mom has tried over and over to bait me and, once she involved my 21 y/o daughters. (they don't much like grandma) that was the complete end. She only lives 1.5 miles from me. It's damn tough but I have peace most days. I plan to move sometime in the near future. My daughters are in college and now is not the time to move on...

My two sisters don't quite get it...mom doesn't do to them what she pulls on me. One sister is out of state and so that makes it easy...

For years I thought I couldn't go NC but now that I have, and it was a process over the last 3-4 years, I'll never go back. Mom is toxic, self-absorbed, controlling...NOPE!!!

Never looking back...

[crosstobear]

Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend

Agreed. Any dumb *** couple can have sex and pump out a kid. Just because somebody is fertile and capable of producing life doesn't make them worthy of respect.

To me, true family isn't about blood, but is about people who have your back no matter what and people that you don't have to hide your dark side or personality "issues" from.

I've personally seen some really ****ed up **** done by family members to each other. Hell, I'm a product of it, lol. You can only laugh in hindsight. You can hope people change. In my experience, people do; when they have no choice but to do so. I've been on and off with my family, and I'll go against the grain here... but I've learned over the years that despite the disagreements and disputes, they are the only people who know me, through and through. They didn't have much of a choice, after all, they were family. No one else sees the real me, the anger, the uncertainty, the paranoia, the lack of trust for anyone, the constant need to better myself and the million other bad qualities that I have, and whether it's blood or some mutual sense of obligation, they have stuck and have forgiven me for a lot of unforgiveable things, as I have for them. At the end of the day we are all vessels of meat and bone with this essence called "life" that live together in small groups. Family just happens to be the "tribe" you're a part of.

My philosophy is your average friend could give a **** less, because it's not in their capacity to do so. Certain things friends can't help you with. It's on you, but when your tank's running on empty, you need a break. Friends come and go. People in general, come and go. With divorce rates the way they are, spouses come and go and often take the kids with them and tell them all sorts of nasty **** about you that takes decades for them to get over. You have family, and that's what you can hope for if you're lucky. I understand a lot of people don't have that, and I count my blessings. That being said, I don't talk to half of my family because they are overseas. And of the ones that are here, I don't talk to a good chunk of them. Not because of anything bad, but because they make no effort to reach out to me, and I've tried once or twice, but there's no mutual connection.

I'd put it this way. There's a greater chance for trust and connection when it comes to family, and that's because they see every side of you in and out for a very long time. If a friend lived with you for decades and saw every vulnerability of yours and accepted you regardless, maybe he can become family-like. But let's be real, that rarely happens.

We're advancing toward an age where the average person becomes lonelier and lonelier. They say don't talk about yourself, but to win friends and influence people, let others talk about themselves. People are seemingly more connected with social media, but in reality further apart.

Personally, everybody who I allow in my life fits in one of two spheres of people; friends and minions.

People who are placed in my friend sphere are people who are loyal, accept me for who I am no matter what, and get along with me well. Everybody in my friend sphere know about my narcissistic and sociopathic traits and they know that I frequently lie and manipulate people and hide behind a mask to protect myself, yet they understand that I'm the way I am because of my past. People in my friends sphere are the only people in the world that I have any empathy for and the only people that I would make any personal sacrifices to please. As this time of writing, I have 3 people in this sphere. Family can make it in this sphere but none of my family has ever cared enough about me to even want to get to know me at this point so I've given up on my family.

The minion sphere is for anybody in my life that I keep solely to fill a specific purpose. This purpose is typically either business (money or otherwise), sexual, boosting my ego, or somebody to emotionally drain when I'm depressed or otherwise at my worst. While in rare instances, somebody from my minion sphere makes it to my friend sphere, in most circumstances, they are booted out of my life the moment they outlive their usefulness.

Finally, while I agree that family have a greater chance of connection, ultimately people with PDs be it ASPD, NPD, or BPD are generally the way they are because of abuse from their family or an otherwise unstable household.

The best chance that anybody outside of the norm has of having anybody care about them is carefully screening people who enter their life and only accepting the highest quality people into their inner circle.