[PixieRN]

Highly irritated. I already know I'm bipolar. However, my psychiatrist felt it necessary to send me to a psychologist who is known as a specialist in bipolar and personality disorders. The shrink felt like I may have BPD and some "sociopathic traits", but not a sociopath. Makes no damn sense to me. But, I need MD to keep writing my stimulant meds, so off I go.

After about 3 months of therapy, the psycologist drops his diagnoses; BPD, NPD, and traits of antisocial disorder. Uh. Don't think so.

First off, I live in f##king suburbia with a husband, 2 kids, 2 dogs, and 2 SUVs. I work on in the medical field full time. I function fine.

I am cold. I am manipulative. I am calculating. I can't empathize. But neither do I think I'm the s$!t. I am not dramatic, like BPDers. Opposite of emotional. I don't switch moods like underwear.

Is it even possible to be both BPD and NPD? Frankly, I don't think I fit in any particular PD. I can see parts of me in most of them; but not to the exclusion of the rest.

Thoughts?


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I read your earlier posts.

Do you remember feeling differently before you got into nursing? From what I understand, people in high stress "people helping" roles seem to desensitize. Doctors, nurses, social workers, etc.

Also, you are on a ton of meds. That can leave you feeling dead, apathetic.

This post seems different from the tone of your other posts.That is why I am asking.

[PixieRN]

Originally Posted by ValentinaVVV

I read your earlier posts.

Do you remember feeling differently before you got into nursing? From what I understand, people in high stress "people helping" roles seem to desensitize. Doctors, nurses, social workers, etc.

Also, you are on a ton of meds. That can leave you feeling dead, apathetic.

This post seems different from the tone of your other posts.That is why I am asking.

This is a big change, yes. While I can't say that I've ever been truly empathetic (odd for a nurse, but I'm in the ICU so I'm allowed to be mechanical), it wasn't until after the birth of my 2nd child that I became "mentally ill". I had post pardum psychosis...anorexia, bulimia, bipolar.

I've worked to be "normal" my whole life. I don't know what is an act. But recently, I stopped blending in anymore. I stopped trying to fit in for other people. . Something snapped? Maybe? It didn't happen conscious level. Changes have been coming slowly.

I got suspended and put on probation at work for "not successfully integrating interpersonally with the PICU team", among other infractions. Never had this complaint before. Probation for not giving a snit about bonding with others.

Prior to that, I shaved half of my head. Goodbye to a good first impression. I think it's cute. I've had tattoos prior, but I've gotten 2 full arm sleeves over the past 6 months. I no longer find what others think of important. That's very, VERY odd for me.

My identity says that I'm a mother (albeit an odd one), a wife of 15 years, and I have always attempted to fit in and be helpful, even if I didn't succeed. I strove to be the best. Frequently, I've been the best but didn't dwell on it.

I mean jeez, last week I wanted to play with death. I started injecting various IV drugs; to see how close I could get to death. Got close, ended up in the hospital. Was recommended a 12 wk stay at a specialty hospital to work on my "axis two diagnoses". Uh, yeah. Nope.

So yeah, something big has changed. I don't know what either. Maybe depersonalization? But I seriously question the NPD diagnosis. I mean, I do feel fairly dead inside, but not at all depressed. I just no longer give a snit.

Shrink is even prescribing oxytocin nose spray for my "blunted emotion". Just makes no damn sense at all.

I'm not manic. Not depressed. So what the hell is going on?


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[PixieRN]

Originally Posted by ValentinaVVV

I read your earlier posts.

Do you remember feeling differently before you got into nursing? From what I understand, people in high stress "people helping" roles seem to desensitize. Doctors, nurses, social workers, etc.

Also, you are on a ton of meds. That can leave you feeling dead, apathetic.

This post seems different from the tone of your other posts.That is why I am asking.

Good thought on the meds...gotta look into that.

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Originally Posted by PixieRN

Good thought on the meds...gotta look into that.

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It sound as if you are manic. IMHO

Maybe you don't feel it the same way.

I am NPD and have never been depressed. Moods down yes, not depressed. Sorry for the short reply, will write more of my thoughts soon. Btw welcome back Valentina

[CopperStar]

I have no idea about your own personal situation, but I do think it's possible to have traits of multiple PDs, some overlap with varying severity among the traits. PDs are developed early in life, typically start off as coping mechanisms, and there can be a lot of variables in our childhood situations. It wouldn't make sense for everyone with a PD to pop out with a cookie-cutter criteria checklist fitting perfectly with a given PD. Those cases do exist, but not for everyone. Many people pop out with a combination of unhealthy coping mechanisms that could fit into multiple categories. Humans are too complex by far for everyone with dysfunctions to fit just perfectly into one label.

I personally used to refer to myself as a "PD cluster****" or joke that my diagnosis was the DSM. Another way I used to try to describe it was being a mental illness "cake" with several layers. By this point in my life, I can recognize in myself (during spans of clarity) traits of PTSD, BPD, NPD and Avoidant, with a little Schizoid cherry on top. I believe that depending on which mechanisms are most active at any given time, would determine the likely diagnosis if I were analyzed then-and-there.

A lot of professionals simply never truly understand personality disorders, their mentality is a purely academic approach of memorizing symptom/behavior lists and playing match-the-symptoms with their trusty DSM. But without that deeper understanding of how PDs are developed, many lack a a furthermore understanding that it can all be very complex and that the stereotypes are frequently blown out of the water.

[PixieRN]

Originally Posted by CopperStar

I have no idea about your own personal situation, but I do think it's possible to have traits of multiple PDs, some overlap with varying severity among the traits. PDs are developed early in life, typically start off as coping mechanisms, and there can be a lot of variables in our childhood situations. It wouldn't make sense for everyone with a PD to pop out with a cookie-cutter criteria checklist fitting perfectly with a given PD. Those cases do exist, but not for everyone. Many people pop out with a combination of unhealthy coping mechanisms that could fit into multiple categories. Humans are too complex by far for everyone with dysfunctions to fit just perfectly into one label.

I personally used to refer to myself as a "PD cluster****" or joke that my diagnosis was the DSM. Another way I used to try to describe it was being a mental illness "cake" with several layers. By this point in my life, I can recognize in myself (during spans of clarity) traits of PTSD, BPD, NPD and Avoidant, with a little Schizoid cherry on top. I believe that depending on which mechanisms are most active at any given time, would determine the likely diagnosis if I were analyzed then-and-there.

A lot of professionals simply never truly understand personality disorders, their mentality is a purely academic approach of memorizing symptom/behavior lists and playing match-the-symptoms with their trusty DSM. But without that deeper understanding of how PDs are developed, many lack a a furthermore understanding that it can all be very complex and that the stereotypes are frequently blown out of the water.

I see my therapist on Monday and while I can see some BPD in myself, other than the lack of empathy, I see zero of myself in NPD. I'm pretty much going to make him tell me specifics of why he diagnosed that. I mean, it could be because I'm very cautious and can't/won't bare my soul to him. I'm also a long sober former IV drug user. And furthermore, even as a 35 yo suburban mom, I do NOT look or dress conventionally at all. I guess you could say moto meets punk. Half shaved head, other half pink/red, two arm tattoo sleeves and both calves tattoed. I wear clothes that stand out. It's fun. I like it. Kills the boredom. But I'm betting because I do pay attention to how I look, he may think I am vain and looking for attention. Uh, yeah, not vain. Think I'm fairly fugly really. Anyway...yeah. He has some explaining to do before I buy what he is selling with the NPD.

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Well you did say cold, manipulative and calculating about yourself. Some of the NPD traits. Although I would think if someone told me I had other things I wouldn't accept as my NPD wouldn't allow for it.

btw welcome to the club wether you believe it or not.... LOL!!!

[PixieRN]

Originally Posted by Underground

btw welcome to the club wether you believe it or not.... LOL!!!

Oh crap. Well I guess if the shoe fits, flaunt it?

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Originally Posted by PixieRN

Oh crap. Well I guess if the shoe fits, flaunt it?

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You hit it out of the park. Funny reading about your tattoos. I have always had them but always made sure they weren't really seen. I'm almost 40 and in the last couple of years got both my forearms done and lower neck. Guess we get to the point of f$&@ it!!!

The shoe seems to fit well!!

[PixieRN]

Originally Posted by ValentinaVVV

It sound as if you are manic. IMHO

Maybe you don't feel it the same way.

Nope. Not my brand of mania. I spend about 40 grand cash whenever I'm manic. My flavor. And I get bad tattoos that I have to get covered up when it's all over. That's actually how I got into graduate school. I was flamingly manic and decided one day out of the blue I was immediately going to start an advanced tract program for my Doctor of Nursing Practice.

Didn't sleep for 5 days while I took my GREs, whipped out essays like pancakes, polished my CV, got way more references than I needed, and spent $500 on application fees. All within a week. Damn creative, damn productive. And I managed to get accepted to every school. I ended up choosing UNC.

Monumental crash later, I've moved, transfered to UVA, and am drowning in the stress of that decision. I'm not super woman. I have no clue if I'll make 4 more years. I mean, it was pleasant outcome, but it's one I NEVER would have done with my kids not in high school yet.

Long way to say, nope. Not manic.

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[PixieRN]

Originally Posted by Underground

You hit it out of the park. Funny reading about your tattoos. I have always had them but always made sure they weren't really seen. I'm almost 40 and in the last couple of years got both my forearms done and lower neck. Guess we get to the point of f$&@ it!!!

The shoe seems to fit well!!

Oh god! I am COVERED in tattoos. Visible and not. Lucky my work doesn't have a tattoo or hair policy like all my other hospitals did. I'd be hosed. I only have 3 no no's; any part of the hands, anything on the visible part of the neck, except for a small one behind my ear. And of course, my face. I'm not Mike Tyson.

My mom signed for my first tattoo when I was 17; a back piece. If that doesn't tell you about my household, I don't know what will. Been accumulating them ever since. Nose rings in and out, septum rings that come and go, and jewel implants in my chest. I fit in well in the Dirty South!

Funny thing is that my husband is uber preppy, plays golf, and from old money. Go figure.

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[Atypical_Disaster]

Originally Posted by PixieRN

Oh crap. Well I guess if the shoe fits, flaunt it?

I am so using that phrase later on just LOL it's so true. If the shoe fits be loud and proud about it! HA HA HA!

[PixieRN]

Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster

I am so using that phrase later on just LOL it's so true. If the shoe fits be loud and proud about it! HA HA HA!

True. Well I guess if my psychologist is basically calling me a cold, malevolent bastard, I might as well start being one with him. This may be fun.

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It is fun for a while, then it just becomes a big waste of time. Trust me I know all too well!!!
Hello to my partner here, always nice to see you were you belong!!!!

Where-
Just so you don't have an issue

[Atypical_Disaster]

Originally Posted by PixieRN

True. Well I guess if my psychologist is basically calling me a cold, malevolent bastard, I might as well start being one with him. This may be fun.

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You can only be yourself, if you're a cold malevolent bastard then oh well. It takes all kinds to make the world go round!

Originally Posted by Underground

It is fun for a while, then it just becomes a big waste of time. Trust me I know all too well!!!
Hello to my partner here, always nice to see you were you belong!!!!

Originally Posted by Underground

Where-
Just so you don't have an issue

Lol, I read your original post with the right word I'm starting to speak Underground. Nice to see you too, cheers!

[PixieRN]

Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster

You can only be yourself, if you're a cold malevolent bastard then oh well. It takes all kinds to make the world go round!



Lol, I read your original post with the right word I'm starting to speak Underground. Nice to see you too, cheers!

My shrink literally says the only way he will keep me in his practice is if I see this man...which is a total waste of money, as some sessions we have a staring contest and nobody says a work for 50 minutes. Talk about a dickwad. I always win the staring contest tho. I can do that all day long

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[Atypical_Disaster]

Originally Posted by PixieRN

My shrink literally says the only way he will keep me in his practice is if I see this man...which is a total waste of money, as some sessions we have a staring contest and nobody says a work for 50 minutes. Talk about a dickwad. I always win the staring contest tho. I can do that all day long

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Yeah if you've gotten to the point where staring contests are all you're doing then you're totally wasting time/money. Later for that ****.

Originally Posted by PixieRN

My shrink literally says the only way he will keep me in his practice is if I see this man...which is a total waste of money, as some sessions we have a staring contest and nobody says a work for 50 minutes. Talk about a dickwad. I always win the staring contest tho. I can do that all day long

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NPD allows this. We pretty much always win, even if only a staring contest. Next time make it more fun, try and see if you can do it without blinking.

[Atypical_Disaster]

Originally Posted by Underground

NPD allows this. We pretty much always win, even if only a staring contest. Next time make it more fun, try and see if you can do it without blinking.

You know it's weird but I apparently don't blink as much as normal people do and it can really freak people out, and yes I do find it very funny when that happens!

I challenge you to a staring contest. I beat my kids always LOL

[Atypical_Disaster]

Originally Posted by Underground

I challenge you to a staring contest. I beat my kids always LOL

Now that mental picture is ****ing hilarious, LOL.