[cvbcvb]

So, I don't really know where else to say this and I'll try not to go on forever. I am not a N, but the person I have been involved -periodically romantically, but for years and years as "best friends"- is. Which I just realized- and also realized that it doesn't exactly matter- the label. I don't believe that Ns don't have feelings - I know they get very very sad and often at least seem to believe they love people. Even though I've heard this is the case and that they just lie. I do believe it means that the person who was most important to me will never find me very important for any length of time.
I've sort of suspected this is his mode for awhile, and even found it, at some points, easy to understand. And as a fairly dramatic and difficult person, he is one of the only people who never gets exhausted by me, actually even seems to like my flaws that way. We don't criticize each other and we rarely talk about our "issues." As long as I have something he wants, well, he will give me something I want- and no matter how many times I leave, when I come back, I'm welcomed like it never happened. Yet, that is not exactly a deep relationship and despite the fact that we've always had an excellent time together and he is actually a very charming person who has a lot to offer, as time has gone on- it remains a sore point in our relationship that he doesn't really care if I disappear or not, because I care if he disappears or not. And so though we are compatible in a lot of ways- the problem of really something that feels deep just being a game for him has eroded our very long standing relationship. I am exhausted by a seemingly never ending circle of being alternatingly super important and non-existent. So even though, it seems in one way that our unique difficulties have made us able to be friends so long, they are finally the undoing. And I do not want to hurt him or make sure he pays now or anything because despite his indifferent cruelty, he was my best friend, so...I want to know

Do you think he hates me now that I have truly left him? Or would it be more like it just doesn't phase him much? I know it sounds pretty ridiculous and it shouldn't matter, but it kind of does.
Do you think he will retaliate?
And lastly, well, do you think it's possible that he knew all along that it was slowly killing me and enjoyed that? I mean, do Ns have friends/people that they actually think more of than just games- or are some people just more fun to play with?

I think he did love me, in the way that he could-not exactly love, but something like it, for brief periods of time. Is this wishful thinking? Also, and I know plenty of people must ask this, but do most Ns really know what they're doing- like is a conscious decision to hurt people the way they do, or is something that they don't exactly realize? Is it malicious or is it accidental lik a means to an end? I know he can't change and that our time is up and I fully expect that he will go on the same as before and I am okay with the ending though I wasn't always. It's taken me years to get to the place where I don't really love him anymore or want him to love me, and I don't hate him. I want to know for myself- did he actually ever like me, or does he just get some sort of kick out of my reactions? Thanks for any answers.

I do appreciate these type of posts. I think that people all too often get caught in a label rather than the actual person. Yes many Ns have similar thought patterns but still are never the same. Just like regular people (I know crazy right). Your never going to understand him just like I too will never but I can relate. He more than likely was never purposely trying to hurt you, seems that he liked the way of coming in and out and making something work time and time again. Interest and challenges many strive on not only us Ns!! I think that you have many feelings and questions were he can just shut it off and move on is what only causes you the MOST anguish. It's not a way to hurt you its just how some of us are wired. Now if you were evil and vindictive towards him then I would say the plotting and planning to hurt you would be true. Not in this case though, he's so use to you coming and going that he doesn't believe it's over. Is it usually you who makes your way back to him to start again? If so then this is what he knows. If you don't come back then he may just go on and never look back (self preservation is what we know best). Or maybe he will seek you out when he notices that this time your not coming back. I'm not sure, don't know him or how you two operated. Another part you wrote is that you seem to believe an N can only love in their own way if at all. This is not true, I am an N and do love my wife!! Love is another word that is made up by someone else to define what cannot be for all. Sure we have our issues but so does everyone else in this world. Problem is we are all SO DEFINED by others because of a label. A narcissist has a gift and a curse all at the same time. We can be the most fun, interesting people (true dos Equis people lol) and at the same time our own issues cause us to be seen as monsters. Dig deeper and so many people who so easily portray us as evil would have such a better understanding if they would stop being such (fill in the blank) when it comes to describing us. People really have no idea!! Well I wish you well in your thing. Don't try to read to deep into what a N is by researching online. We are so much more than what people want to describe. That will only make it easier in a false way to fell better based on more lies. Keep us posted and I do thank you for your post. A non seeking help and not trying to follow the packs of haters. Nice job!!

I just noticed you have been on here since 2012. Is this also to say you have your things too? Please explain..

[cvbcvb]

Originally Posted by Underground

I just noticed you have been on here since 2012. Is this also to say you have your things too? Please explain..

I appreciate your reply. Yes, I have my things, too. And I've never really liked to get myself caught up in labels or even totally define myself that way, because I've also heard some pretty negative things about my "types" of people and I don't know that I consider most of that to fit me very well, just some things, some patterns, but I am a deeper person than just a disordered pattern, so I guess I have incentive to assume that he is, too. Nor do I think he is this stereotypical picture of a typical vapid N. He's selfish, very guarded, and frustrating and confusing, but he honestly has qualities worth being conceited about, and he is not evil, unfair, or unpleasant even. And that's part of the reason I think we've had such a long relationship because there is something the same there that we understand without saying and his predictability -even if it is predictable indifference- is sometimes comforting for me. Something is maybe broken somewhere, but neither of us are people that seem troubled on the outside. Nothing ended badly- or at least not where anyone was saying bitter things, I always do the leaving and returning- it's part of what I do and what makes me a very difficult person to invest in. He even has a running joke about my constant goodbyes forevers. So maybe you're right and he expects I will return. But it is real this time because my heart is changing. I can be an obsessive type, but once things truly shift, they never go back. And yes, I guess I just wanted someone to say that it was not all smoke and mirrors, that even if it is finished, that it was real. That more than one of us was there. Understanding his issues- I never fully will- but knowing he has them makes it at least kind of understandable why it has been some of the things its always been. He is not typically malicious. He loves a game and contriving lots of situations for them, but other than that, we are competitive by nature and so only when one-ups-manship gets crazy does it really upset him. And typically he is wonderful to be around because he loves the spotlight, but he knows that part of keeping it mostly on himself, is shining it on others. Anyway, I appreciate your reply and I even if it's tempting to try to box every difficulty into his issues, well, life is never THAT easy. Sometimes people just have to let go of people they loved. I hope he remembers me well because it's such an important relationship in my life- the longest one. And it's been 3 months now, so I think he should be getting the idea that it is different this time. But he has many other people in his life and no lack of ability in attaining new ones, so I know he will be okay. Thanks again.

Originally Posted by cvbcvb

I appreciate your reply. Yes, I have my things, too. And I've never really liked to get myself caught up in labels or even totally define myself that way, because I've also heard some pretty negative things about my "types" of people and I don't know that I consider most of that to fit me very well, just some things, some patterns, but I am a deeper person than just a disordered pattern, so I guess I have incentive to assume that he is, too. Nor do I think he is this stereotypical picture of a typical vapid N. He's selfish, very guarded, and frustrating and confusing, but he honestly has qualities worth being conceited about, and he is not evil, unfair, or unpleasant even. And that's part of the reason I think we've had such a long relationship because there is something the same there that we understand without saying and his predictability -even if it is predictable indifference- is sometimes comforting for me. Something is maybe broken somewhere, but neither of us are people that seem troubled on the outside. Nothing ended badly- or at least not where anyone was saying bitter things, I always do the leaving and returning- it's part of what I do and what makes me a very difficult person to invest in. He even has a running joke about my constant goodbyes forevers. So maybe you're right and he expects I will return. But it is real this time because my heart is changing. I can be an obsessive type, but once things truly shift, they never go back. And yes, I guess I just wanted someone to say that it was not all smoke and mirrors, that even if it is finished, that it was real. That more than one of us was there. Understanding his issues- I never fully will- but knowing he has them makes it at least kind of understandable why it has been some of the things its always been. He is not typically malicious. He loves a game and contriving lots of situations for them, but other than that, we are competitive by nature and so only when one-ups-manship gets crazy does it really upset him. And typically he is wonderful to be around because he loves the spotlight, but he knows that part of keeping it mostly on himself, is shining it on others. Anyway, I appreciate your reply and I even if it's tempting to try to box every difficulty into his issues, well, life is never THAT easy. Sometimes people just have to let go of people they loved. I hope he remembers me well because it's such an important relationship in my life- the longest one. And it's been 3 months now, so I think he should be getting the idea that it is different this time. But he has many other people in his life and no lack of ability in attaining new ones, so I know he will be okay. Thanks again.

Don't take this the wrong way but after three months your thoughts are still in that moment. He seems to have a wrap that most of us do to others. Again not in the way that is planned just what happens more times than not. One day he will get "bored" which may equate to the game without even knowing and will seek you (probably). With this it may turn on another level of what your not accustom too. Him reaching back to you with new ways of conversation. What do you think tou will do if this happens? Do you think you can leave it alone? Tell him to stop or not even answer? Keep in Mind that in doing so this only makes it more interesting. Makes the game a whole lot more fun. With a normal person they may understand what's done is done. With one of us it only makes us work harder in becoming successful. Where the true stories of romantic novels are based upon lol. This is a true narcissist. Not trying to scare you as it may not happen but if it does will you be ready? Things to think about just in case!! Good luck either way but I would be interested to hear your thoughts in regards to the above.