As I have been here for a couple of weeks I have yet to see to many things going on here, especially with others like me. I have read through the posts on the npd forum and find many more nons speaking and only a couple of us. Please respond to this thread ONLY if you have "NPD" as I would rather a thread with writings only from our kind including our insight rather than the same old story of what my ex "N" did to me. Especially that there are so many sites for nons to discuss with themselves already!!!

Very true -- when I first joined I was overly excited in hopes that it would be somewhere where PDs could really express themselves. Even though the population is low, I was pretty sure it would at least be interesting. But I think the influx of nons really interferes with the effectiveness of the "community" of sorts. It's just irritating to sort through to find anything useful. Nearly pointless, to be truthful.

[here today]

I have a component who is probably “N”. Probably an introject from my dad, but still I kind of know what it is like to “N”. At least more than the average citizen? And my daughter would probably say I AM “N”. Will that count?

Mostly I’m compulsive, though, on a kick that society needs a better understanding of PD’s and the people who have them. (That’s to society’s benefit, not just mine.) So I certainly support the idea of a community of people with PD’s. Glad to see you both are interested in that, too, even if you won’t include me in yours. But would you mind saying why you want that, if you know?

(Btw, Shay, I love your comments. Expressing my inner AsPD or N, maybe. Contributing to my life even though you didn’t mean to and don’t care! How cool is that.)

That's how I roll! Just minding my own business & inadvertently enriching the lives of those around me... I'm an inspiration, truly.

[chelsea89]

I was diagnosed BPD with NPD traits. I'm not sure how accurate it is all of the time but I can see it every once in a while.

Originally Posted by chelsea89

I was diagnosed BPD with NPD traits. I'm not sure how accurate it is all of the time but I can see it every once in a while.

Well at least there are 3 of us now!!!

[DangG]

u can make that 4

came here by support groups. com

do u know any online real support group?

[DangG]

do you think i should inform my family and the few i have friends about this ?

DangG: This is the only real "support" for people with NPD, other than PsychForums which can sometimes tend to enable me a little bit. Honestly? There aren't a lot of places willing to cater to people they'd rather demonize & complain about. :P

And as far as informing anyone, it depends. I wouldn't tell anyone unless I found them incredibly beyond-a-doubt trustworthy & open-minded... And even then, it doesn't go smoothly. Weigh the pros & cons of them knowing & then make the decision. Even if you're pursuing therapy, I can't guarantee that anyone will trust you after revealing that information. If they understand it -- that is.

[DangG]

is it ok if i post some information links here that i've read ? so you can tell me what you guys think ?

Originally Posted by Shayatanica

DangG: This is the only real "support" for people with NPD, other than PsychForums which can sometimes tend to enable me a little bit. Honestly? There aren't a lot of places willing to cater to people they'd rather demonize & complain about. :P

And as far as informing anyone, it depends. I wouldn't tell anyone unless I found them incredibly beyond-a-doubt trustworthy & open-minded... And even then, it doesn't go smoothly. Weigh the pros & cons of them knowing & then make the decision. Even if you're pursuing therapy, I can't guarantee that anyone will trust you after revealing that information. If they understand it -- that is.

For me telling others was something I did for the journey of recovery. The only problem with this is that only the ones like us will ever truly understand this thing we have. As far as support groups I agree with Shayatanica that Pyschforums has many more people like us there it also has many on the opposite end. The ones who are totally against and only want to speak of all the hurt an "N" has caused them. Doesn't help our cause!!! I would wait it out as far as telling as the truth in recovery is dealing with ourselves first. It does not help if after telling someone they keep pointing out all the negative traits and so on as it is so easy to fall back then forward. Good luck and glad to see another, now all we have to do is to begin sharing more here and then this will be like a forum that works!!!

Agreed completely, Underground.

And I was only stating my opinion from personal experience... During my journey of weaving in & out of wanting to "recover", I've told a few. The downside is that when that downhill venture comes to a screeching halt & you get back something that makes you happy again? It's hard to keep going. And then the people you told hold it over your head as if you're supposed to snap back to feeling sorry for yourself. Not that I'm trying to influence anyone. Just an anecdote.

Originally Posted by Shayatanica

Agreed completely, Underground.

And I was only stating my opinion from personal experience... During my journey of weaving in & out of wanting to "recover", I've told a few. The downside is that when that downhill venture comes to a screeching halt & you get back something that makes you happy again? It's hard to keep going. And then the people you told hold it over your head as if you're supposed to snap back to feeling sorry for yourself. Not that I'm trying to influence anyone. Just an anecdote.

Im with you 100%!!!! If I could change one thing of the process it would definitely be to tell nobody except for my wife as I know what holding something over you is like. Its so easy to go to my old ways and yet its the most difficult to try to be anything but that. Isn't our journey so much fun????LOL

[DangG]

since i found about my NPD my thought process its becoming very strange/artificial towards my personal relations and my days off work where im with my friends im feeling big emptiness and disinterested

Originally Posted by DangG

since i found about my NPD my thought process its becoming very strange/artificial towards my personal relations and my days off work where im with my friends im feeling big emptiness and disinterested

Completely normal!! How long ago did you find out? I've had such a roller coaster ride of craziness and it hasn't stopped yet but gets somewhat easier to go through at most times

[DangG]

about 3 years ago i knew i was going to be a father, then i started to wanting to improve myself for the sake of the relationship with my wife and my son.

i've spent lot time with books and articles on the web but mostly related to depressions and anxiety and it lead me to SAD, cause i've always been a shy guy and felt lack of empathy towards family and friends, i knew something was really wrong with me and my mind.

what i believe is that i've somehow develop my shyness/lack of social relations into SAD cause of my narc traits.

needless to say my marriage broke before its 1st year

One of the things that confuses me the most is that i was able to create artificial relations with ppl to the point of being their great friend and all that was fake. It sickens me to think im like this, and i dont have much of a clue how to proceed now; the new friends i made recently all think very strange of me, but i guess they all think its due to the fact that i suffer depression/anxiety since my married broke.

Originally Posted by DangG

about 3 years ago i knew i was going to be a father, then i started to wanting to improve myself for the sake of the relationship with my wife and my son.

i've spent lot time with books and articles on the web but mostly related to depressions and anxiety and it lead me to SAD, cause i've always been a shy guy and felt lack of empathy towards family and friends, i knew something was really wrong with me and my mind.

what i believe is that i've somehow develop my shyness/lack of social relations into SAD cause of my narc traits.

needless to say my marriage broke before its 1st year

One of the things that confuses me the most is that i was able to create artificial relations with ppl to the point of being their great friend and all that was fake. It sickens me to think im like this, and i dont have much of a clue how to proceed now; the new friends i made recently all think very strange of me, but i guess they all think its due to the fact that i suffer depression/anxiety since my married broke.

Hey man as much as it sucks its great to see the similarities. I too have so many questions as far whats real anymore. Luckily my wife does keep me together as I have come from a very toxic family with me as a scapegoat and learn so much more as to why I have turned out the way I do. The hardest thing for me now is trying to move on. All I want is to be happy and to no longer go through the eternal battle we fight every second of our lives. I have so many mixed thoughts about so many things as I go on and I cannot wait for a time of peace. Hopefully we get there someday as the roller coaster I mentioned earlier is something I cant stand. I have also been "labeled" with a mood disorder but not depression or bipolar. One of those labels that are "other than" which makes me laugh!!! Anyway my normal mode is feeling nothing or numb or agitated with very very minimal moments of happiness if any. I just told my wife earlier how unfair it is for a child to be molded into something so negative because of someone else's ways. I pay every second for what I had no say in, another very difficult thing to process!!! Anyway glad you found this place and look forward to hearing from you. Good luck and I understand you all too well...

It's amazing to see the blatant similarities & differences with us all.
My boyfriend is the only person keeping me grounded. Though at times, I really almost wish he wouldn't bother, because things were simpler before I had to monitor my every action. Every thought... It is just really aggravating & complicated. Even though I entered the relationship knowing everything & was completely transparent, I can't help but worry that this is just as fake as everything else. Which usually doesn't bother me... But I hate entertaining the thought that something slipped by me.
And I have a mood disorder on top of my NPD too. Bipolar I -- I'm mostly "up". Euphoric & reckless & that really exacerbates everything.

Originally Posted by Shayatanica

It's amazing to see the blatant similarities & differences with us all.
My boyfriend is the only person keeping me grounded. Though at times, I really almost wish he wouldn't bother, because things were simpler before I had to monitor my every action. Every thought... It is just really aggravating & complicated. Even though I entered the relationship knowing everything & was completely transparent, I can't help but worry that this is just as fake as everything else. Which usually doesn't bother me... But I hate entertaining the thought that something slipped by me.
And I have a mood disorder on top of my NPD too. Bipolar I -- I'm mostly "up". Euphoric & reckless & that really exacerbates everything.

We all suck!! Lol and isn't it great in the other forums were they blame the "n" for everything yet the same people are always in toxic relationships. They act like we chose these ways. At least you have euphoric episodes I wish I could!!! Someday we'll be better..... Hopefully!!!

If someone's depressed, it's not their fault. If someone's psychotic, it's not their fault. If someone's autistic, it's not their fault. So it only serves that we're not just magically liable... To an extent, sure, but no more culpable than any other PD is for their actions. And pretty much anyone outside of cluster B is treated with a great deal more courtesy.

Well, you could always pick up some Wellbutrin & possibly Adderall? Say that you're depressed & can't concentrate, pop them at the same time, & then BAM! You have yourself an old-fashioned episode of joy. Perhaps it's a bit artificial but what does it matter really? Everyone should be capable of having happiness -- even if it's only something that just looks that way.

Originally Posted by Shayatanica

If someone's depressed, it's not their fault. If someone's psychotic, it's not their fault. If someone's autistic, it's not their fault. So it only serves that we're not just magically liable... To an extent, sure, but no more culpable than any other PD is for their actions. And pretty much anyone outside of cluster B is treated with a great deal more courtesy.

Well, you could always pick up some Wellbutrin & possibly Adderall? Say that you're depressed & can't concentrate, pop them at the same time, & then BAM! You have yourself an old-fashioned episode of joy. Perhaps it's a bit artificial but what does it matter really? Everyone should be capable of having happiness -- even if it's only something that just looks that way.

You want to know whats crazy??? I am on 60mg of adderall a day and 150 of wellbutrin but the latter I just started taking so hopefully it will work some magic!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAH my knowledge knows no bounds!! I guess small doses of omniscience ARE possible.

[ihatedepechemode]

First post here. And a thread for just us woot!
I've been self aware for several months now. Had an odd start to it, but after self analysis while studying other issues, I realize I've got my own. nyways, I'm so sick of thinking about has beens.....
The past month has been very tiring. I nearly lost (a huge chunk of supply. Damn near killed me. The people (the ones who arent devalued due to attacking me anyways) have become a big part of my life. They are a part of the life i created for myself, I do like them (more than supply that is). That entire incident taught me 2 things. Always plan for disaster recovery, which I'm still at. And watch my words, actions, etc. Its not just about being self aware and realizing you are doing something and why. You need to monitor yourself. Its like babysitting only for free (like my mom made me do blech).
This weekend, 2 people asked me about my behavior. Between my facebook (which ahem, needs monitoring too) and girl's need to gossip, my paranoia kicks in that I'm still being talked about. (You'd think a narc would like this attention....after all, I am the star in everyone's world:-) I actually find it creepy how people can-and have throughout my life-become obsessed with me. I know I'm great but damn....
Anyways yea 2 people asked me about my eccentric behavior of not getting close to people and why I dont talk to my parents. UGH...oddly enough, they both studied psychology so I knew I could speak in a certain way without huge detail. But still, when people ask questions like that, I feel like they are trying to crawl through my skin. Its something like you'd see about parasites digging through people's skin on the discovery channel. I hate how people want to dig at me to examine my blood and guts. Most likely if they see any truth, they will leave you.
I have been proven time and time again that people dont want truth. In fact, there was a time period where I had no mask. I had the old one ripped apart and shred in tragedy. I thought I'd be ok. After all, I didnt know what was wrong with me.....but no, people didnt want to see the true me. I was talked about and called names.
I found a new mask. It is prettier than the old one. I created it all by myself. I must keep my past seperate and hidden from my present. I must keep all my bloody guts inside. Never leave home without your mask.

Great to see more of us coming in!! Your comment about babysitting is so true and at the same so crazy isn't it? To be on constant watch of our actions or non actions, way we speak and act, this truly is a constant battle when becoming aware. However I am attempting to unmask to show my weakness, my faults, learning to be human so to speak. I was never shown things as a child, not taught love, not anything for that matter. I was on my own to figure out what was best for me. I have created my world through a child like way. My mask has been one that was made for me all those years ago and had been modified so many times for the past 30 years or so. I just want to feel "normal" and not this false self anymore. This is going to hurt, I'm figuring ways to move ahead as a new me but this also has been so very hard in every step so far. Is it best to go on as we know or will one day really bring a peace that will not make me feel like I always have. Can we be better?? I do not have that answer yet but I will take that journey to see if its possible. My mind is at times so direct and others like a tornado, I cannot speak from my mouth as most can never understand me because of my mind. My mind works in ways that are far from perfect but I assume the parts of life I had to adapt to as a child has helped create these ways. Anyway nice to see our little group getting larger by one new member each month lol. At least here it is just us and not the nons seeking whatever they do.

[ihatedepechemode]

This whole thing is funny. Since I'm more of a covert narc, I can be hidden. It's not until I explode or say certain things that I give anything away. So mostly it's not a huge issue, just when losing supply. Other things too, but not so much when dealing with others...but then again, maybe I just haven't experienced many things self aware.
Whether one wants to change or not, it is an interesting point of view. As I said, I put on a mask, and it almost got me killed several years ago. Any mask I put on is dealing wit nons, to change my life or take away my life you could say. So after I saw that, I feel like I've seen the absolute worst in non life. Once you've seen the worst in things, there are 2 things that happen. One is a sense of omnipotency where you can go through other situations with more ease than you did before the bad thing. The second is that you don't go back or avoid situations that are like that bad thing. It is like that when I think about changing into a non......hey,l I tried that before (well, before I knew about npd) and it did not work and it was worst ever. No way, I don't want to change.
But you can adapt, which is why I need to filter words. Especially since I am more blunt than before, it is easy for my narcissism to leak than before. (you'd think it would be opposite, but truly I did change as a person several years ago).
There are also positive sides that I notice and am thankful for. Maybe it is because of self awarement and knowing how the process works I don't know. Objectifying people has made things easier to let people go consciously. Before, I could let them go subconsciously but not consciously. Now, when I think of terms of supply, I say to myself consciously "How much is this person worth?" If you have no value to me, you go. No, I do not plan this and it's not malicious. It's usually if someone is bad with me, I get them out. It did happen recently that someone went bad with me and I saw him for what he was. He exists to me no longer.