[hartbroken]

I have been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder (schizophrenia and bipolar). But sometimes I wonder if I don't have a narcissistic personality too. And I wonder how my diagnosis is related chemically to the narcissism I may be experiencing.

When you have psychosis and manic/depressive episodes, you get diagnosed with bipolar and maybe schizoaffective. Period. No big questions about that. But I see what occupies my mind most of the time - it's me. I am going to bring this up to my counselor next time I see him.

I have a huge insecurity complex. And I've been gifted musically and I really use that gift in the wrong ways - to satisfy that insecurity. I don't go to people and tell them directly how good I am at this or that, I try to act humble. But I wonder if it's just a false humility. I crave attention and affirmation. I have felt in the past a critical attitude towards those who maybe aren't "enlightened" like I "am", evidently.

I really see the error of my superior thinking or attitude, and I want to change. If I wasn't focused on myself so much, I might be able to get things done and work again, feel more empathy for others, and just be a more whole person.

I have believed that I'm especially unique, picked by God to suffer mentally and eventually to tell the world about my experience. I'm beginning now NOT to believe that, and that I need help more than anyone else.

Does it sound like I may be somewhat narcissistic? I've always told my counselor that I feel a sense of superior pride of my musical abilities, but he's dismissed it. Now that disease and age has set in, my musical abilities are declining, and all my accomplishments seem like nothing important. What do you guys think?

[here today]

It's not talked about much these days but I think some ideas about the sense of self that psychoanalysts wrote about 25 or more years ago bear looking into again.

The idea that I'm just a bunch of behaviors and mental processes just doesn't sound right to me, about my self anyway. Who are you, to you? And if you aren't sure, it makes sense to me that you might be kind of self-absorbed until you do know. The loss of your musical abilities could affect that, it seems to me.

Wondering about yourself and being concerned about things that are bothering you, especially when you have a diagnosed mental illness, does not sound all unrealistic to me.

From what you have written, I wonder about your counselor, too. Maybe he's not helping. Have you considered posting in the psychotherapy forum?

Do you feel the normal manias and depressions that are part of bipolar?