[lovlein]

hi im new here and i would like to share some of my story however im still being abused im 37 i would have cut contact with her and have from time to time only to go back for the hundredth time my son is 16 she got him when he was 5 iv had a long history with suicide attempts started when i was 12 and cutting issues i came clean to my dad about the physical abuse so did my sister so my dad kicked her out when i was 8 by then i was not reparable i was in complete delusions and my dad put me in a mental hospital then 14 placements why so many cause i got kicked out of all of them except the last one then i went back home and i hooked my dad up with someone who did not clearly know me and my problems so i hated her we got into many fights and cops were called and i got my dad evicted so he kicked me out that's where my mom comes back in she heard about it and came and got me it turned out bad and got more abused the day she kicked me out i almost let go of that anger it would have been bad but something held me together they basically turned me into their slave and told me i couldn't smoke pot when they were just smoking it with me i was 16 and mostly all grown up i had a job and doing my own thing they tried to control me and that word was out the window when i was 8 then i ended back at my dads but it was OK with the girlfriend i dealt with it i wasn't there long then i came into a lot of money and there i was off to my mom again things were OK till i got pregnant with my son then she became obsessed with him and tried for custody she didn't win was proven unfit i had started a relationship when i was seven months along and lasted 8 years i now see that he was a narcissistic it was pure hell and my son witnessed everything and then my daughter came along my mom didn't want anything to do with her just my son and she attempted to get him many times i even caught legal problems because of her through out all this she never let me forget my faults or mistakes i have only felt pain in my life and to this day i wake up in fear everyday and stay that way all day anxiety high and constant worrying through out my life i felt like a bad person and crazy because i was told that i finally lost it when i lost my kids they were all i had they were my reason to live i had stopped trying to kill myself and they made my life awesome someone to love me unconditionally i gave up my son willingly events happened where he needed help and where i lived they had nothing to offer because he was so young i payed a lot of money to see someone for help then came the trauma from his dad not sure what really happened but it was abuse bad so he was out of control and i was at my breaking point with life i called my mom and told her i was going to do a open adoption she said no and that she would take him so we got temporary guardianship papers done for 1 year much needed relief so she got him 6 months later she takes me to court for custody saying that children services was involved because she claimed that his dad sexually molested him she was totally believable so in the end we agreed that we would decided our self's on my visitations at the same time my daughter was taken into custody i did everything i was required to get her back when it happened i finally left my relationship i built a life and got my own place car and had a good job but because if my past i never could hold a job long so i lost my job but before that court decided to award custody to her dad that was a bad thing he ended up marring someone who had 2 kids already well they starved her the only time she go to eat was at school and they beat her that was it for me i haven't seen her since she was three and shes 13 now in 2005 i caught some major charges all my fault and i knew the results of what was to come of what i was doing so after court i was put on probation and i violated for smoking weed so when i lost my daughter it started 2 year long of drugs things i didn't do ever and suicide attempts everyday or doing so much drugs i should have overdosed of course i violated and was on the run through all of this i never got help for my problems then i got caught went to jail i served 2 years and the first year i was out of control but i was seeing others getting meds they finally let me see the real doc and that's when i was put on meds i calmed down and was numb i did not talk to my mom after my first month i couldn't take it she was abusing me bad she claimed there was a no contact order after she got custody that killed me to so i did my time and when i got out i was afraid of everything i never slowed down in my life and being locked up made me i realized somethings for a good but devolved worse problems i have a list of labels well 7 years latter i had been in a group home i learned a lot but i was so sedated it didn't register i was there for 2 years and i had realized i had a codependency problem i had asked my dad and his girlfriend if i come move back in being at the group home started to heal me but it was time for me to leave there so i did and i was excited to have my dads girlfriend i idolized her so a year and a half goes by i knew something was wrong but couldn't identify it i had been having a great relationship with my mom 5 years and she even let me have contact with my son but it was limited and monitored i thought it was a great gift even know there's a no contact order i finally got sick of the meds and what it was doing to me so it took myself off it my doctor didn't know i did end up telling her i refused to be on anything but my mood stabilizers i felt great i was slowly getting my mind back i was happy for the first time in my life i was aware of what was going on in my moms home but i was in denial until i found out that my mom had been lieing to me about everything there was not a no contact order and my sons dad didn't molested him and the reality that she was telling lies about me to keep me away from my son i always knew that my son thought i abandon him because of what she was telling me the pain that i felt all my life was really bad the meds took it away my world came crashing down and i tried to kill myself it was a really big job this time i was going through things at home to that i couldn't understand remember i never came out of my delusions but that night i told god that if i made it i would devote everything to him i was is a coma for three days and when i woke up and started to think about things i realized that i felt complete i wasn't looking for that love i never got from my mom and i was angry at what was going on in my house it broke me not in a bad way but a good way i started to feel my Independence again and talking about what was going on and i was angry at my dads girlfriend i blamed her for it all i took the control she had over me away i gave it to her because of my codependency that was no more i came home to a war zone she had this huge anger at me but i stood my ground i was broken from the codependency and took the control back it was rough but i knew my commitment i made with god first i felt obligated but slowly i did something everyday and about 2 weeks into it i was in love with god so i searched the internet for education until one traumatizing day i hadn't shared much with my mom or even that i knew her lies i was scared to lose that contact with my son my mom started to show the abuse before to me i was in denial then i was on the phone with her and i could hear what was going on my son wanted more potato's he was playing the go to everyone till you get a yes now remember his mind is at a 5 year old common behavior then i heard him scream my mom then informed me he was getting the belt i heard the second hit it was loud i then felt everything and started to have flashbacks of when my mom beat me then came the pain for my son all he wanted was more potato's i hid my crying and she said they have corporal punishment in there house she let me go and i hung up the phone i was paralyzed all i could do was cry i had my door shut so they didn't know what was going on i didn't want them to know that was my awaking for days i was back as a child and being assaulted with flashbacks and the pain for my son i could imagine what they were not telling me i knew there was more prior to this i had wrote the Dr Phil show under terrible teens i got no answer when i found out in October she had been lieing i wrestled with telling childerns services it didn't feel right my mom didn't realize it but she gave me a name to a lady that had worked with my son so i found her and told her everything i filled in the missing puzzle pieces for her that didn't get me anywhere so i let it go and held it in so the night that he got beat my mom told me to write them again well i did however it wasn't what my mom thought i wrote i told the truth risked everything so i also called the lady and told her what happened and she called someone else and i waited for the plan to unfold but it didn't go the way i hoped my step dad wouldn't let his therapist come because he was being punished so the lady called me and that when i made the decision to report it so i did and one hour after the Dr Phil show called they wanted us on the show i told the guy that my mom doesn't know i told them the truth so he asked me would i be willing to confront her on the show i said heck ya little did i realize the situation was about to get more complicated i then set out and started to research abuse and i was writing down everything that i could remember since shes had him that's when i came across narcissistic personality disorder i kinda over looked it but then i was curios as i read the more i was in shock i now had a label to my mom and it answered all the questions iv ever had i spent 4 days reading about it i then was writing all the things that she did to me and on myself from when my son was born till today i started to realize i was living with one that made me feel worse and as i was trying to see if i had narcissistic behaviors well i did mild but i did that night i prayed to god and i couldn't stop crying it was now all out in the open so i said to myself you have read enough its time to see what you can do for yourself so the next day i spent some time with my dad took a break then i started to look for help on the internet and here i am writing this long letter been working on it all day now my mom is abusing me worse im at my limit because after reading everything i have i have the fight coming back i cant do it any more i have also left two more messages for Dr Phil i don't have anyone to talk to only my sister so today i feel very lonely i feel like giving up i will never get my son out of there hes already tried to comment suicide and he was caught with a shank hes going to kill someone if my dad didn't step in when he kicked her out eventually i would have killed her i would have cracked thank goodness for my dad because 2 years in jail was enough for me

[Skeezyks]

Hello lovlein: Thank you for sharing your struggles. I'm sorry you have had so much sadness in your life. Hopefully being here on PsychCentral can be of some comfort & support.

I don't know if you are seeing a mental health therapist currently. If not, & if you could, it might help for you to have the opportunity to talk all of this through in real life with a skilled mental health professional. I hope that, in some way, things can begin to improve for both you & your son. I wish you both well.

Dear Lovlein,
That is quite a story. You have been through a lot and it sounds like your fight (especially in regards to your son's welfare) is not over. I agree with Skeezyks that it is important for you to see a mental health therapist on a regular basis because you have been through so much trauma. I am glad you have your sister to talk to and that you have joined PC.