[no.1partyanthem]

I will be seeing a psychiatrist soon hopefully (and then probably a therapist after that) and I plan on bringing up my suspicions to them.

I just wanted to make this thread though. I don't really know why.

I really suspect that I have NPD. I've related to NPD in a way and thought I can be pretty narcissistic (?) for a few years. But I never paid it much thought and I never thought I actually had it although I considered it. It seems to make sense when I think about some of my issues e.g. Idealism, perfectionism, anger/sensitivity to certain things. So I find it helpful in that sense to think about.

I also see it as a good thing in a way which yeah I've heard is one pretty typical reaction for someone with NPD. To be proud of it. I mean it is a personality disorder after all as in who you are so this seems natural. It also made me want to improve myself and feel like I could do that better now with more understanding of myself. To become as close to my idea of perfection as possible.

However today I'm feeling kinda like I'm not sure what to do. It's like getting motivated and therefore feeling better is by using my narcisism. And if it's technically a disorder then what is best for me to do. It's like others can be ambitious, have high self esteem, be narcissistic but then if I have NPD then it sort of seems like I shouldn't. Well I didn't think this before but today that's how I feel.

I guess I've been in what people call a crisis or not feeling good lately. I've been quite dissociated for few months (even more than usual) since my last relationship ended. I don't really feel very alive most of the time. I don't have any motivation. I've been fine though. I usually react very well to a change of scene and also I know I'm doing better when I start to get ambitious, start planning, working on all the things I want etc. However with that comes idealism. And that is a double edged sword for me.

My point is I now don't know what to do as I think if I start being the way which makes me feel better/more alive then it may end up hurting me again and what if I'm doing it wrong and it's feeding parts of PD which could then hurt me later.

I know it probably sounds like I'm over-thinking right now. But I read that people with NPD usually enter therapy when in a crisis but then leave as soon as things get better. And I think that's exactly what would happen with me. Which is fine, except I'm just thinking what if things somehow go wrong again and what if I could prevent that now by doing something different.

I am an introspective, thoughtful person but I am not usually a worrier about the future. My natural attitude is very optimistic. But I'm simply questioning myself because I know what happened last time and I know how my idealism can get.

Can anyone relate? Or does this make any sense? If anyone has any kind of advice or information then I'd apreciate it. Also what are some good resources such as articles etc. for people with NPD that I can find online for free?

[here today]

I can relate to idealism and perfectionism taking the place of dealing with or even being aware of some aspects of social reality. Also "numbing out" when things aren't going well.

I don't have NPD, may have met the criteria for OCPD but was never treated for that, and was diagnosed (finally) 7 years ago with Personality Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. I have been in and out of therapy for more than 50 years! And don't have a lot positive to say about it with regard to what they know about to help people with personality disorders, other than borderline, maybe.

HOWEVER, I was very encouraged several years ago to read about what they were doing in the U.K. The optimistic outlook may no longer be there, but if there is going to be help anywhere for somebody with NPD or something similar, I suspect it might be the U.K., or maybe New Zealand.

The campaign several years ago was "Personality Disorder is Everybody's Business". Here's a link:

Personality Disorder - everybody's business.

Good luck! I'd be very interested to hear how it goes for you.

[no.1partyanthem]

Yeah exactly, I feel like I can't 'interact' with reality. So I have to make some idealised 'reality' of my own instead. But then it doesn't always work out. In fact it often seems to end quite disastrously to be honest. But it's the only way I know how to do it. So now I feel kinda stuck. And yeah otherwise I'm just lost in inertia and not really living. Either way I don't think I live in reality. And other people are like an alien species to me, they don't really exist to me or otherwise they seem too real in a way. It can also become tiring having to put on an act all the time. I've only recently started to fully realise that all that is probably not normal and maybe not such a good thing or not just something which only I realise because I'm more perceptive and intelligent.

I have severe OCD so when it was at it's worst I could relate a lot to OCPD (although I know they are very different). I think people with NPD and probably all PD's have some control issues so I think that combined with my OCD just exacerbated things. My OCD isn't so acute anymore and now I think it wasn't just that and I have a PD too. I can imagine I might be diagnosed with PDNOS actually. Especially as Covert or 'Closeted' NPD is maybe not so widely recognised and easy to diagnose. Which is what I think I might have. .

Thanks for the link. That does seem kinda good that there are some resources for PD's in the UK. I didn't know that it wasn't as good in the USA (otherwise of course the differences in national health care). I've actually been on the NHS waiting list to see a psychologist for about 10 months now though.

Did you find any particular type of therapy more useful?

And thanks. good luck to you too.

[Skeezyks]

Hello no.1partyanthem: I don't know anything about this I'm afraid. But I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[Atypical_Disaster]

When I'm on my computer I'll write you an in depth response. I'm glad you posted. Welcome to Psych Central!

[Gixxerguy]

Hi no.1partyanthem, welcome to the forums. First question i would ask is how did you come to thought of NPD? on your own, did someone mention it, were you constantly bombarded by someone telling you that you were. Secondly, there is a great book called re-thinking narcissism, which touches on the fact that a certain amount of narcissistic behavior is required to be a fully functional person. Some of those traits, which depending on the severity can help you to assert yourself as an individual for example. Im a very good example of this, during my last relationship I did things which were narcissistic by definition. couple that with the partner I was with at the time, and she would constantly tell me how narcissistic I was. A lot of her example we always spot on and it got to the point where I myself believed them. to the point I believed I was a monster. I have spent a fair bit of time in therapy lately and done considerable reading, test etc and I do not fall on the NPD spectrum, rather I was reacting (poorly in many cases) to the situation I was in. That's a whole different story for another time, but the point I am making is to be careful when assuming you do or don't have something. If you spend enough time looking, you can tie yourself to numerous personality disorders I am sure (kinda like when you google my arm hurts and webMD will convince you that you have cancer).

You are who you are, and regardless of whether you have a PD or not, that's who you are (right now). Your job will be to take that awareness and modify how you interact with people. I know for myself, when in a threatening (or assumed threatening) position, I can exhibit narcissistic traits, I am not a Narcissist, but I still need to be self aware and approach the situation accordingly. Sorry that really sounded like a lot of babble so hopefully it makes sense.

[jaser]

Hi No 1..You are one step ahead of the game.. you realize you have a problem and are willing to do something about it. Most npd people won't even consider they have a problem, so your headed in the right direction.
With that said I would suggest you contact a therapist who deals with that specific disorder and take it from there. You are in a good place and maybe all you need is an outlet and some directive as to how to handle your feelings which you can get from a good therapist.