[Brooke87]

My boyfriend fits this to a t.. My question is how to combat it. He constàntly critics me and tries to tell me I'm a bad person.. He has to be in control.. He has a good heart and I love him .. He justifies his actions by saying I make him.he is soooo good at turning the tables making me the bad guy. Ive tried to be submissive but that doesn't work.. I need help to put him in his place, at the same time leaving him no room to use me as a scapegoat .

Originally Posted by Brooke87

My boyfriend fits this to a t.. My question is how to combat it. He constàntly critics me and tries to tell me I'm a bad person.. He has to be in control.. He has a good heart and I love him .. He justifies his actions by saying I make him.he is soooo good at turning the tables making me the bad guy. Ive tried to be submissive but that doesn't work.. I need help to put him in his place, at the same time leaving him no room to use me as a scapegoat .

If he is one of us there is nothing you can do. He will take you for a ride that will take total control over you. You will start to believe that you are the problem and he will dominate the relationship and all your thoughts will be planned by him. So stay and lose yourself or go and figure yourself out!!

[Jodimbee]

Originally Posted by Brooke87

My boyfriend fits this to a t.. My question is how to combat it. He constàntly critics me and tries to tell me I'm a bad person.. He has to be in control.. He has a good heart and I love him .. He justifies his actions by saying I make him.he is soooo good at turning the tables making me the bad guy. Ive tried to be submissive but that doesn't work.. I need help to put him in his place, at the same time leaving him no room to use me as a scapegoat .

My N husband was an alcoholic. I had no idea about N at the time. the steps suggested by Alcoholics Anonymous to move past enabling behaviors helped me regain some perspective and stop reacting to my husbands behaviors. "your an idiot, unattractive, disloyal, undeserving of an amazing man like me who could have any woman I want" stops being enjoyable for them when met with a calm "that must be difficult for you" "is that what you believe" etc

[leomama]

Hi everybody, I have some narcissistic traits as part of a nonspecific personality disorder and I am in therapy. The reason I have these traits is because of my high intelligence. I also believe that my parents have narcissistic traits and I am committed to preventing them from developing in my 13 year old.

Hi all im not new just re introducing myself

[KeepingPace]

These folks sound more like sociopaths than narcissist... maybe I am wrong...

[Open Mind]

The terminology of psychology/psychiatry has changed over the decades. The term psychopath was replaced by sociopath. Sociopath was then replaced by cluster B personality disorders. ASPD, NPD, BPD, & HPD.

[Anne19]

I've been with someone I suspect has strong narcissistic traits a year...known him several years before as on off friends, lovers etc. We got engaged fall last year, broke up and he moved out of my place march as I had rage side effects from anxiety medication i was on, he moved out..he originally asked me to take the meds so I'd stop worrying about him when he works late...because I'd call a lot...after we broke up, we see each other again over march and say we are going to repair our relationship....I see msgs in his tablet to other girls....all on days he claimed he couldn't talk to me on the phone cause I argue too much. But he found time to flirt. By May, he's needs money for an emergency, I can't give it to him. So he sleeps with his ex to convince her to give him money (he was with her as fwb for years for money...he says he never gave her a ring because he's not attracted...his brother confirmed this). He tells me after. I forgive him because we are technically broken up still....but I blow up at him in person about the tablet messages to girls and scratch his arms. He ignores me after.
We make up in June and have sex.
The same day we make up and agree to work on us, he sleeps with another girl because again he has another emergency and wants to sweet talk her to give him money that I don't have.
He tells me we aren't technically engaged at the moment (this was june) and because I worked as a dancer it's the same as him sleeping with girls. I said it's not because I don't have any sex...oral or regular. He insisted dancing is the same as what he does....sleeping with exes who loan him money.
Eventually he admits he's wrong and we move in again end of june. I gave up my place for him. We say we're engaged again...we put up new Facebook pics. He says he deleted instagram instead of adding me.
He loses his job mid summer 2016, I help him out numerous occasions with money from my dancing. He starts to disappear for three days at a time doing his new driving job he gets, ignoring my calls not calling, and barely texting and returning each time explaining he has to stay with friends because I argue too much. A cycle begins where I blow up into extreme fits of rage over my frustration...over what he put me through. Each time he disappears and comes home, I blow up because he's gone. He says my blowing up is a reason he has to leave for 2-3 days each time to go to his guy friends.
Eventually I stop blowing up, he still leaves every week for several days saying he doesn't like to be controlled or told when to come home, I say if he wants to marry, he needs to answer to someone, especially because he keeps saying he wants me to get pregnant and have his baby...the main reason he sees me as his wife and gave me a ring back in fall 2015. To move in with him, I gave up my apt, so i have nowhere to go. Three months go by until Oct 2016 where he leaves every week for several days...always saying he can't be controlled...but still wanting me physically...still wanting me to wear my ring...still saying he dreams of me having his child. I finally leave Nov and go out of state to live with my mother. He texts me randomly throughout the month accusing me of being with guys because I don't text right away. I tell him he has no business saying that cause I moved because he abandoned me, refused to answer the phone when I lived with him, and came and left as he wanted. During the time he did this, I found dinner receipts charged under an exes name. I screamed at him over all the lies. He insisted I'm crazy and it was just to pay her back. I felt like I lost my mind that day,..scratched him...hit him.
This past month Dec, I ask if i can stay at his place on the couch to look for jobs, since I quit dancing and want to do sales jobs again. He says he's ready to get our marriage certificate and agrees with my previous suggestion from a month ago, that we hold onto it for a few months to motivate us to go to therapy and get help until right before it expires and then get married if we can fix our relationship. We go get the marriage application. He loses half the day he could have worked getting it. Next day his car glass gets shattered. He uses his car for work. He calls me asking for money because rent is due the next day. I say no at first because I lent him money many times over the summer and he disappeared for days after, and I'm down to a low amount of money because I'm not dancing anymore...esp since he said he didn't like it and that's why he disappeared all summer. He gets upset and says he'll have to visit friends all night I break down at the end of the convo offering money but he talks over me and hangs up. He doesn't come home that night...he doesn't come home three days....so i go back to my mothers out of state....he admits he saw another friend he slept with and convinced to give him money.
I am furious. He doesn't seem to care at all when just a few days before we got a marriage application ready to sign when we make it official a few months later and he said he wanted me to have his child.
I told him I understand he has no family to turn to like me in emergency money situations and the last day to pay rent was the day after his car glass was broken and he uses his car for work, but it's not acceptable to just sleep with exes and get money from them when he has a fiance...that we could have found another way to get the money for rent together.
I told him I dont want to see him again unless it's in therapy.
He said sorry once in text, has not called once, and only texts me. He said that he feels bad I'm affected so much by his actions. Other than that, not much accountability.

Ugh. I don't know...is therapy worth it? I'm broke and have no income, a going on interviews for day jobs, don't want to dance anymore, i can put aside a day to go to therapy each week with him, but I have to go out of state to go with him because I plan to move back there in my own place when I get more money.
I asked him why he hasn't called since I last saw him and he always acts too busy. I told him if he can't even call, how can he say he loves me. He never liked calling and says he won't call cause I argue too much....we have to plan phone calls ahead. ..this is how it's always been...ugh

Is therapy even going to help...if he even goes with me?

[Pyramid50]

Can someone help me??
Ive been married for 10 years and I feel like its been an eternity.
I honestly dont know if my husband is a narcissist, has a personality disorder,
Bipolar? Or if he just inherited his dads screwed up gene pool.
Some days are good but more so bad. All i can do is give examples and see what
Comes of it...
We took our grandaughter to a movie and i told him we would just go in and get a seat saved while he got popcorn and drinks, we were waiting a good bit inside
And he still hadnt came so i checked my phone thinking maybe he text needing help but nothing. A while longer passed and no sign of him finally i get a text saying he was leaving and he hopes we enjoy the show oh and our snacks were
At bottom of the theater. Wtf??? I asked him he said he couldnt find us and was pissed cause he kept yelling and i didnt answer. I said why didnt you just text me i would have told you. He ruined my special time with my grandaugter and of course it was my fault.

He has no empathy and its getting harder to live with. He doesn't apologize and
Shows no compassion if im crying. He has been verbally and emotionally abusive again never apologizing.

One day i wanted to go to the fair and just have a nice normal day well
I went to the kitchen and noticed the freezer had been left open all night cause everything was ruined. I told him sbout it thinking he would be bothered ad we would just replace what was lost. WRONG!
He flew into a rage saying his day was ruined and he dodnt want to go anywhere
That all he does is spend money and cursing and slamming stuff that went on for about 20 min. (It was him that didnt close it back all the way)
I dodnt say it but i know it was...i have OCD and i check everything. Ive caught
Him not closing it back before. But again he wont own it. We wound up going to fair but by then my mood had soured and he robbed me of a nice day. But he acted like nothing had happened just an hour before.

My parents are elderly snd my mother has early alzheimers, my sister helps them and i go by to check in as i can. Theres been s few times when i would go by and he would ***** about using gas

We had to go to get my granddaughter to a rehearsal one day and her mom asked if we could stop by her work so she could see herin her outfit.
We were pressed for time and i was trying to gps directions
And my husband kept picking away at me until i broke and cried
I told him i was doing my best and he just coldly said "no you're not"

I can go on and on but i think i already typed too much to read.
I even thought it may be asbergers. Im exhausted and i want to be happy.

[MuseumGhost]

Hugs, pyramid, hon...I'm not a diagnosed sufferer, but am just here reading about what people endure as a result of this disorder.

I would suggest getting some support and counselling for yourself. You're dealing with an exceedingly difficult situation here, and possibly even an escalating and dangerous one.

Local mental health organizations, and especially Women's shelters, are often set up to help provide assistance in situations like yours.

I hate the thought of you and your grandchildren being exposed to and harmed by this type of an individual. His situation might be very complex---and you've got better odds of getting support for yourself than you do of seeing him seeking out help on his own.

[SoulSurvivor]

Hi all - there's interesting discussion. I'm not on the NPD spectrum, but am on the flip side of the coin as a (recovering) co-dependent. Just like Echo and Narcissus, the narcissists from my past and myself fit together perfectly.

As a non N, and relationship and friendship partner of many folks on the NPD spectrum, I can offer a slightly different point of view that hopefully is helpful?

Speaking from my experience and learnings/professional help, ladies and gentlemen can lie anywhere along a wide spectrum. We all have some narcissitic tendencies of course. Some folks have a kind of "healthy" narcissism, some might be further along with a bit of "unhealthy" narcissism which doesn't mean that they necessarily affect anyone else besides themselves or sometimes they do, some folks display a large spectrum of BPD symptoms, some folks would call themselves a narcissist or BPD demonstrating the symptoms described in the most current DSM, some may be further along and lean towards malignant and/or sadistic narcissism and then others go all the way toward the sociopath side.

Some folks affect others and may use them, and some do not. Some function on a higher level and some on a lower level. Some are more aware of themselves and some have buried things very very deeply and may not always be consciously aware. Some are covert and some are overt. Some are quiet and some are bubbly and charismatic. Some hurt others on purpose which gives them enjoyment and others do not at all. Some people may misuse or overuse the term as well. There's just such a diversity, and it's even more complex because we're all individuals and cannot simply be pigeon holed and categorized so simply.

My experiences have led me to believe that in no way does narcissist/NPD=bad or evil person. I have never observed an automatic correlation, and I do believe the name unduly gets a bad rap from the get-go. Just as we all suffer with our own maladies, so do the NPD folks, from my experiences. Kind of like a coping mechanism because of difficulties from their family of origin or perhaps some trauma or abuse. I feel closely related in that sense as a co-dependent who went through the same thing but adopted a different unhealthy coping mechanism....

I suspect, as always, wether someone has an identified mental illness or not, if they are harming you or others in any way, you must take care of yourself and those in need of your help first. That's really not something that only applies with NPD folks because not everyone hurts others, and other mental illnesses and folks without an identified mental illness can do the same. Therefore, in my experience, that's not a clear identifier of a narcissist.

The folks I was with who ended up being the most severe and malignant narcissists were often covert and very hard to identify, especially for folks without prior experience. They can wear many masks and they can have tricks up their sleeves that you might never have imagined. Many stories and articles are written about people who were married to a narcissist or have narcissistic family members or friends that they didn't come to understand for years, sometimes decades. Some folks I know who are on the spectrum are nothing like that, with dark whitty senses of humour and won't hesitate to set you in your place. lol

The only thing that I can honestly say about helping someone identify folks with NPD if they don't tell you themselves or maybe don't know it themselves, is simply - your gut feel. The false self is presented. Especially if you're a sensitive-type person, you listen to yourself and pay attention to your deep inner feelings, and it's amazing how many times it's right. Something might not feel quite right, maybe a little twitchy feeling, something might feel just a little out of place, might feel like a piece of the puzzle is missing, something might just irk you or nag a wee bit at the back of your brain - if that makes any sense!?! Lol This may or may not happen immediately, but always seems to happen as more and more time passes. I'm sure folks will often tell people to listen to their guts anyways, so it's best to do anyways in all situations.

Hopefully that's helpful in some form for folks? I myself am always learning more and more about myself and my community around me, so take my experiences with a grain of salt.

[NothingPeopleDo]

Originally Posted by SoulSurvivor

Hi all - there's interesting discussion. I'm not on the NPD spectrum, but am on the flip side of the coin as a (recovering) co-dependent. Just like Echo and Narcissus, the narcissists from my past and myself fit together perfectly.

As a non N, and relationship and friendship partner of many folks on the NPD spectrum, I can offer a slightly different point of view that hopefully is helpful?

Speaking from my experience and learnings/professional help, ladies and gentlemen can lie anywhere along a wide spectrum. We all have some narcissitic tendencies of course. Some folks have a kind of "healthy" narcissism, some might be further along with a bit of "unhealthy" narcissism which doesn't mean that they necessarily affect anyone else besides themselves or sometimes they do, some folks display a large spectrum of BPD symptoms, some folks would call themselves a narcissist or BPD demonstrating the symptoms described in the most current DSM, some may be further along and lean towards malignant and/or sadistic narcissism and then others go all the way toward the sociopath side.

Some folks affect others and may use them, and some do not. Some function on a higher level and some on a lower level. Some are more aware of themselves and some have buried things very very deeply and may not always be consciously aware. Some are covert and some are overt. Some are quiet and some are bubbly and charismatic. Some hurt others on purpose which gives them enjoyment and others do not at all. Some people may misuse or overuse the term as well. There's just such a diversity, and it's even more complex because we're all individuals and cannot simply be pigeon holed and categorized so simply.

My experiences have led me to believe that in no way does narcissist/NPD=bad or evil person. I have never observed an automatic correlation, and I do believe the name unduly gets a bad rap from the get-go. Just as we all suffer with our own maladies, so do the NPD folks, from my experiences. Kind of like a coping mechanism because of difficulties from their family of origin or perhaps some trauma or abuse. I feel closely related in that sense as a co-dependent who went through the same thing but adopted a different unhealthy coping mechanism....

I suspect, as always, wether someone has an identified mental illness or not, if they are harming you or others in any way, you must take care of yourself and those in need of your help first. That's really not something that only applies with NPD folks because not everyone hurts others, and other mental illnesses and folks without an identified mental illness can do the same. Therefore, in my experience, that's not a clear identifier of a narcissist.

The folks I was with who ended up being the most severe and malignant narcissists were often covert and very hard to identify, especially for folks without prior experience. They can wear many masks and they can have tricks up their sleeves that you might never have imagined. Many stories and articles are written about people who were married to a narcissist or have narcissistic family members or friends that they didn't come to understand for years, sometimes decades. Some folks I know who are on the spectrum are nothing like that, with dark whitty senses of humour and won't hesitate to set you in your place. lol

The only thing that I can honestly say about helping someone identify folks with NPD if they don't tell you themselves or maybe don't know it themselves, is simply - your gut feel. The false self is presented. Especially if you're a sensitive-type person, you listen to yourself and pay attention to your deep inner feelings, and it's amazing how many times it's right. Something might not feel quite right, maybe a little twitchy feeling, something might feel just a little out of place, might feel like a piece of the puzzle is missing, something might just irk you or nag a wee bit at the back of your brain - if that makes any sense!?! Lol This may or may not happen immediately, but always seems to happen as more and more time passes. I'm sure folks will often tell people to listen to their guts anyways, so it's best to do anyways in all situations.

Hopefully that's helpful in some form for folks? I myself am always learning more and more about myself and my community around me, so take my experiences with a grain of salt.

Well said!!

[here today]

Originally Posted by SoulSurvivor

. . .
The folks I was with who ended up being the most severe and malignant narcissists were often covert and very hard to identify, especially for folks without prior experience. They can wear many masks and they can have tricks up their sleeves that you might never have imagined. Many stories and articles are written about people who were married to a narcissist or have narcissistic family members or friends that they didn't come to understand for years, sometimes decades. Some folks I know who are on the spectrum are nothing like that, with dark whitty senses of humour and won't hesitate to set you in your place. lol

The only thing that I can honestly say about helping someone identify folks with NPD if they don't tell you themselves or maybe don't know it themselves, is simply - your gut feel. The false self is presented. Especially if you're a sensitive-type person, you listen to yourself and pay attention to your deep inner feelings, and it's amazing how many times it's right. Something might not feel quite right, maybe a little twitchy feeling, something might feel just a little out of place, might feel like a piece of the puzzle is missing, something might just irk you or nag a wee bit at the back of your brain - if that makes any sense!?!

I tend to be more codependent/idealistic, too, though I could feel an NPD-ish aspect to myself before I became more fully aware of it.

I agree that the most severe and malignant are the covert types -- like my mother, grandmother, and aunts and myself to a certain extent. Even if it's not full-blown NPD, the way people defend against and retaliate against hits to their ego is much more insidious, to me, when it's covert.

I also agree about the importance of the gut feel. I "needed" to numb mine out as a child, so I didn't clue my female family members into the fact that I didn't trust them, which would have been an offense to their (caretaker) ego, which would have been "bad" for me -- meaning, I guess, that they would dump "bad"/shame on me. None of this very conscious for them, I believe. Still hurtful.

My father likely had full-blown NPD but it was NOT covert. Lots of things about him were problematic but never so hurtful and confusing as what I got from the others. Again, I also believe there is wide variation in how people with NPD behave and interact with others that I don't see the literature taking into account.

Originally Posted by SoulSurvivor

My experiences have led me to believe that in no way does narcissist/NPD=bad or evil person. Just as we all suffer with our own maladies, so do the NPD folks, from my experiences. Kind of like a coping mechanism because of difficulties from their family of origin or perhaps some trauma or abuse.

Many stories and articles are written about people who were married to a narcissist or have narcissistic family members or friends that they didn't come to understand for years, sometimes decades.

The only thing that I can honestly say about helping someone identify folks with NPD if they don't tell you themselves or maybe don't know it themselves, is simply - your gut feel.

I have been hesitant to talk about this here but this is my struggle right now. When I am honest to the person I am in a struggle with about things that have been done that don't feel right--I am told I only feel this way because I have the mental problem. We both have problems. I didn't understand what was going on for decades. I only became interested in pyschological things after my attempt. Work and children has always been both of our focuses--
not worrying about our emotions or feelings. Having not dealt with or understood our issues and, more seriously, the fact that this person feels like the problems in our family are totally the result of my MI makes me unhopeful about our situation. I have been in crisis for days and days but am keeping it together (will not make a stupid move again) because there are many in my life I will never abandon. Not even sure I can abandon the narcissist (I hate this word ). It tears me apart. I would be dead if he hadn't called 911 when he found me.

[ABeautifulMind5150]

Im living with a narcissistic boyfriend and it has destroyed me. It feels like im going crazy and i know im not. Im so very frazzled from his mental abuse. Please help

[Apoplectic INFP]

Originally Posted by ABeautifulMind5150

Im living with a narcissistic boyfriend and it has destroyed me. It feels like im going crazy and i know im not. Im so very frazzled from his mental abuse. Please help

A few things I need to find out:

1) Is he cheating on you and lying a lot?
2) How soon after your relationship began, did you decide to move in with him, or him you?
3) And lastly, do your friends and family generally approve of him?

I have lived with a narcissistic girl friend before. Nasty piece of work she. Certified liar

[GoneGirl711]

I am having such a hard time with the lack of empathy thing. I keep praying he will see how he has and is hurting me and regret it or show me some remorse. Anything...just show me something other than a cold callously sometimes psychopathic person..

[Apoplectic INFP]

Originally Posted by ABeautifulMind5150

Im living with a narcissistic boyfriend and it has destroyed me. It feels like im going crazy and i know im not. Im so very frazzled from his mental abuse. Please help

Dump him forthwith and avoid his supporters. Also don't expect any explanation or apologies from him; some things are best left unsaid lest you should be charmed and roped in for more narcissistic abuse. Go kick butt!

[diane7260]

Hello
I don't know where to start, so I'll just jump in. I came to this site to find support for myself, because I have come to believe my 36 year old daughter has Narssessisitic Personality Disorder.

Her situation was a perfect storm to develop the disorder. Her father was narcissistic and she was everything to him. Of course, because she was important to him, she had to be important to everyone, in the world. This went beyond the normal father loves and is proud of his daughter. And me, I just went along with it all to keep the peace. At 3, her father had a massive brain hemorrhage.

Raising her was like constantly walking on egg shells. It was so difficult to correct her in anything, cause cause she would perceive it as a threat as to how she saw things.

Now she is 36 years old. She gets so enraged for what I see as nothing. She got mad, for example, cause I did housework. I was ignoring her. There is no defending myself to her or rationalizing with her. And once things die down and she needs something or just wants attention, she comes to me like nothing happened. This is how it's been

I physically can't do this anymore. I have heart failure and this has too many devastating effects on me. And I can not go on.

Now I know, and understanding, my responsibility in all this. And I have allowed this to happen partly because of the guilt. So please don't go pointing fingers and blaming. I am pass that now. I have put up boundaries -small ones but boundaries and she is not happy with me. I know she is totally unhappy with herself and her life. She has a mega ego but no self esteem and I love her so much.

help?

[Repentive]

Originally Posted by diane7260

Hello
I don't know where to start, so I'll just jump in. I came to this site to find support for myself, because I have come to believe my 36 year old daughter has Narssessisitic Personality Disorder.

Her situation was a perfect storm to develop the disorder. Her father was narcissistic and she was everything to him. Of course, because she was important to him, she had to be important to everyone, in the world. This went beyond the normal father loves and is proud of his daughter. And me, I just went along with it all to keep the peace. At 3, her father had a massive brain hemorrhage.

Raising her was like constantly walking on egg shells. It was so difficult to correct her in anything, cause cause she would perceive it as a threat as to how she saw things.

Now she is 36 years old. She gets so enraged for what I see as nothing. She got mad, for example, cause I did housework. I was ignoring her. There is no defending myself to her or rationalizing with her. And once things die down and she needs something or just wants attention, she comes to me like nothing happened. This is how it's been

I physically can't do this anymore. I have heart failure and this has too many devastating effects on me. And I can not go on.

Now I know, and understanding, my responsibility in all this. And I have allowed this to happen partly because of the guilt. So please don't go pointing fingers and blaming. I am pass that now. I have put up boundaries -small ones but boundaries and she is not happy with me. I know she is totally unhappy with herself and her life. She has a mega ego but no self esteem and I love her so much.

help?

Diane, I want to throw this out there. First, I am sorry for the pain and anguish you bare. As in my wife's case it must be tough on you. I wish i could get this point across to my wife. They are not certain what pre-disposes to the development of NPD. They suspect and I agree it is multi-causational. I read this one internet article that "it" could be precipitated by an emotional trauma at a critical developmental period and then being raised in an environment that has both overindulgence (spoiling ie; overcompensation and possibly continued emotionally damaging atmosphere) but how it is caused may be "mute". The "die" is cast now what to do about it. From my perspective if my behaviors are a deeply ingrained pattern of behaviors to "avoid shame" then an emotional atmosphere where I am constantly "triggered" to react in my old "maladaptive" protective behavior is defeating. Not to say i shouldn't have "boundaries" imposed but they should be imposed in a way that is "non-threatening" (if that is possible). Feeling threatened just promotes further reliance on "protective BAD behaviors. Hope this helps.