[jexa]

So, before I started therapy, I was constantly obsessing about every word I said out of place, every small error, whether I'd offended someone, whether I told the absolute 100% whole truth, etc. Then, I was constantly shaking my head trying to stop thinking about it, plus tapping, checking (asking, making sure I didn't offend), confessing, repeating (out loud) the word I should have used, etc.

Now I'm in therapy, and those obsessions are still in my mind, but now I am always thinking about my therapy sessions! Like, did I tell my therapist the whole truth? Does she know the whole story? Does she have the whole picture? What if she doesn't have the whole picture? And then I have these urges to email her to tell her that she doesn't have the whole picture, to add something to what I said in our last session. I do write emails to her, but luckily I have enough control that I can delete them before I send them. I was able to make that a rule. But I waste a lot of time writing those useless emails. I also rehearse what to say in the next session, to make sure I don't leave anything out for the next time, only even though I rehearse it over and over, it still doesn't satisfy me when I actually say it in session, because I think, "That still wasn't the whole picture."

I've also been doubting that I really have OCD ever since I started therapy. But I know I have OCD. Since I don't have the classic symptoms, though, I've been re-reading/checking OCD symptoms over, and over, and over again. Also, when I hear about cases more severe than mine, I think, "I must not really have OCD because mine isn't that bad." And then I re-read things to make sure I really do. And then I feel like I have to tell more people I have OCD (I DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW!! But I feel like I have to confess it to "make it 100% true"), which sucks because now I have nowhere to hide. Everywhere I go, someone knows.

The thing is, I work at an OCD clinic, and I KNOW that I have OCD. I do assessments of OCD severity at the clinic. I see patients like myself all the time, and I know that it's true that they have OCD, so objectively, it's totally ridiculous that I doubt that I really have it. I even assessed myself using the measure we use to assess OCD severity, and I have a moderate case of OCD. So, I know that I have it. But it doesn't satisfy my doubt because I wonder if I can be an objective rater. My therapist refuses to give me a 100% definite answer on this. I ask her, "So, do I have OCD for sure?" And she won't tell me because she knows that's a part of my problem.

I guess I'm saying this because so far therapy is making my OCD worse since now I doubt that I have OCD, and worry all the time about therapy. But how the hell am I supposed to get OCD treated if going to therapy makes it worse? Has anyone else had this problem?

I am so frustrated.

[gimmeice]

((((((((((jexa ))))))))))))))))
Welcome to psych central.

I totally obsess over therapy like you just explained, I dont really have any advice because it's still one of my struggles. Since I have brought this obsessing up in therapy I think I will next week.

Here are some hugs for you