[Stranga91]

I posted the following to another post on a different area of the site but I got no replies...any input would be highly appreciated!
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Hi all....I have been contemplating whether to post here or not and I have now decided to. I've wanted to but it may be the shame this sort of "Addiction" has as the logical side of one's (mine) brain knows that it is wrong and undesirable but once these "images" or "thoughts" or "compulsions" come up in your head....it is very difficult to get rid of them and like others have said, once they come through and you allow it to get past the surface (while it has been sitting there calling your name and itching you bow down to it and give in) .....then it is almost impossible to stop and it can take hours and hours of your time when it really isn't something I want to do....

To give a brief background, I have ADHD and OCD. I am sure this contributes to it (the compulsiveness). When my doctor had increased my adderall (or amphetamine salts as I take the generic) the compulsiveness only increased....and he also went up on my zoloft to 300 mg/day (he said it would most likely reduce my sexual impulsions) it really hasn't except maybe a little at the beginning when the dosage was increased...

Now, when I think about it, I have probably had this addiction since I was a teenager (and I a 25-years old now). It has definitely been an on-and-off problem in terms of the pornography but it is about the "fixation". Once I get stuck in the fixation...it can waste HOURS and hours of time. The other irritating thing is to just have the thoughts there even if I don't give in to the cravings as it can take over my mind and stop enabling me to do more resourceful and time beneficial things when it comes to my work.

Now, I strongly feel my OCD is a plus for me because my mind doesn't think like a normal person and I feel that this puts me far ahead the average person as long as we are able to educate ourselves in overcoming our problems. I also own my own business (started it about a year ago) and the thing about this is that it can waste so much time. Every year that goes by goes by faster and faster and I truly appreciate the value of time and on how short life is. Now, these fixations on pornography are not only limited to these explicit websites and images in my head (although they are a very strong significant part of it). I love educating myself and reading books on different things like OCD so I have definitely improved myself significantly in different ways but this is the hardest problem to overcome (along with fixation and being perfect). To my relationship, I love my gf and she is everything to me (she is beautiful, smart, independent, caring, lovingetc etc etc) and she is very attractive but the thing about me....is when I was younger I always felt that I would have a difficult time of getting married because I want (or fantasize & have compulsions) of having different partners all the time. I know many men can be like this but the thing about me is that I have never cheated on her and I do want to marry her and have kids in the near future but we have been on our grind with our new business so I admire her in everyway inside and out. To our sexual life...these "compulsions" or thoughts carry over to everyway. These thoughts are so strong that I find it difficult to be loyal my whole life as I feel like the sexual need is so strong but to this point I have been loyal (maybe partly because I have been so busy) but the thing is that she is so open minded and understanding and I had mentioned this problem to her briefly (not into too much detail) a long time ago....but I feel that I can't get deeper into it with her (even though she would be open minded and help) because of the shame I feel in these thoughts and compulsions. I was finally able to tell my doctor recently (again, not too these details in this post) but even then I feel "embarrassed" to get into it too much w/him but I want to improve myself in everyway and have done so but when it comes to this...it is difficult, very difficult to over come it completely and god knows I lack ability to stay faithful for the rest of my life. I feel that if I told her she would be understanding and would be open to some things but again....it is just too shameful. And not to get into too much details....sexually, when we have sex, everytme I ejaculate I have to fantacize or "imagine" of having sex or sexual relations with some other girl (whether it be someone in the past or someone I have not slept with yet) to be able to ejaculate but I do this nearly everytime and can pretty much able to do so when we are sexual I achieve this method as described....

All of this leaves me feelng shameful and thinking I can "overcome it" the next day but then it comes back and it slowly but surely creeps it so the best remedy I guess is to have intercourse as much to bring down the "compulsion" but sometimes it then gets "worse" wanting more and more but I guess I just have to try to cope with it but I truly value time...and time is very valuable...and I know I will be someone GREAT but hopefully being able to interact with some of you on here will help me with this....afterall, I did find out that I had OCD about doing research and finding information on it on a message board. Anyways...thank you so much for anyone reading this but writing this lengthy post has definitely helped me express my thoughts and emotions on this issue for me which I have been holding in and in with myself far too long....and btw, thanks for those who posted some groups but the groups with religious affliations are not my thing (I m atheist) so hopefully I will be able to improve myself in this area talking with others and doing what I have to do....thanks again...

[thunderbear]

Hey Stranga91. Don't feel embarrassed to talk to your doc about these thoughts. Thats what they are there for. Doctors don't think of sexual thoughts and behavoirs the same as we do. They are trained to give advice on those kind of things. I used to get embarrassed all the time with my old doc but after I talked more and more to her about my thoughts it became easier when I had a problem with something as sensitive as sex. Good Luck!