[jexa]

I have been really worried today about the effects my compulsive honesty might have in the future. Excessive honesty is a part of my OCD; I'm always afraid I'm lying to people, and I have to tell them what's on my mind at the time I'm speaking, otherwise I "told a lie." My biggest problem lately has been confessing my mental health dx to people. This is SO awful because I am very shy and don't want anyone to know about my problems. But when I'm talking to someone, and I have the thought, "I have OCD," I have to tell the person about it even though I don't want to. I don't know how to explain it. Inwardly, I am screaming at myself to stop. I feel so embarrassed after but in the moment my head says if I leave it out, I'm telling a lie. I have no secrets; there is nowhere to hide.

Anyway, I have a BA in psychology and I'll be applying to grad school next year to get my PhD in clinical psychology. Today, I was told that when you go on interview, you really don't want to talk about your problems with the students. A grad student I know told me that when people talk about their issues with grad students, they're very unlikely to get accepted into the program, and the students judge you really harshly. On interview, you are likely to spend the night with a grad student and also go out to dinner with several grad students, as well as participate in formal interviews. This would be anxiety-provoking anyway as I get very nervous around people, and now I have to worry about my compulsive honesty even more than I normally do! This issue is particularly bad because I am likely to get triggered in this situation to confess my problems, as we will be talking about psychology!!

I don't know what to do. I don't know how I'm going to shut my mouth when I need to. I have been freaking out about this all day. My OCD is so bad today, I had a total meltdown in my car after work. I feel like I have no control over this whatsoever. When the thought happens, I have to tell the person I'm talking to. How am I going to control it on interview? I am so scared I'm going to embarrass the hell out of myself and ruin my chances for the future.