[Shinzy]

I know there was a recent thread on hoarding, but I couldn't seem to find anything about 'breaking it' to someone.

I've gone through this problem, myself, and most of my family does it. I recently came to my senses, and proceeded to clean up my act, and rid myself of 85% of my belongings that I was not using, or was just trash. I did this with minimal emotional support from a friend, and without my counselor knowing that the problem even existed.

I feel much better, but now I am confronting my grandmothers own problem with hoarding.

While it's not as bad as you see on tv, it's certainly a strain on me and my grandfather.

It has gotten to a point that I have to eat my meals at the computer desk (the only free table space) or in my bed. I also can only use my laptop in the bed, and I can't even get to my desktop any more (boxes piled on either side and in front of it.)

I've tried hinting at her to get rid of some of her things. I've tried suggesting that we start an organizational routine to help, even. She dismisses my suggestions, and refuses to listen.

How do you break it to someone who is that close to you that they have a serious problem with hoarding?

How would you go along with starting the cleanup process with them?

Should she seek her own counselor or therapist to help her?

[Yoda]

I have been aware that I am a hoarder but knowing it does not equal solving it. I have talked to therapists but that did not help me. My sister told me a couple of years ago that she was going to come down every Saturday morning while school was out during the summer and help me clean for four hours but she only came one time. The best thing was when I hired a girl to help me clean but she no longer returns my voice mail.

If you find a solution please post it here cuz it is crazy living this way but I am too overwhelmed to fix it.

[Shinzy]

I can understand you fully on that, it was very difficult for me to accept and try to change the behavior myself (it took quite a while to even begin to deal with the idea).

I know that everyone is different and can't use the same techniques, but if you'd like I can tell you what worked for me in hopes that it might be a help to you as well.

[Yoda]

Sure, I am ready to try new ideas.

I went to FlyLady.com and tried a few things but nothing lasted for any length of time. FlyLady says first step is to clean the kitchen sink but mine does not drain so until I get a plumber I cannot do that step. It is really crazy here.

A neighbor just stopped by a few moments ago and told me he would help me get my garage door working one day this week and I am totally embarrassed for him to see my house. He has been here when it was "lightly" cluttered but now you cannot see the floor in pretty much the whole house so it is a hazard when walking.

[Shinzy]

I've never heard of FlyLady.com, I'll go take a look at that a bit later

A warning, I think this is going to be pretty long. I hope you don't mind!

What helped me was putting my things into categories. I'm obsessed with categories anyways, so that plays into something I can work with. I had five catagories: Daily, monthly, never, emergency, and seasonal.

Daily is anything I use every single day or so. Things like food and drinks, disposable dishes, and trashbags.

Monthly is anything I use over the course of one month (allowances of just a little past that). Things like cleaning supplies, and a few choice replacement things (like lightbulbs or filters for the air conditioning vents).

Never is a collection of never used, used once, and things I have 'stocked' to use but never got to for some reason. This is usually 'junk' I've found, or even bought (like a sale of liquid soap, I'll buy many of them even though I use bar soap only). Also, something like buying a glue gun for the first time and buying about three bags of glue sticks, never to use any them.

Emergency is, well, in case of emergencies. Things like walkie-talkies (we evacuate every few years), first aid kit, band-aids, etc.

Seasonal is self explanatory

I divided all my things into these categories, and had to ask myself 'Will I really ever use this' or 'Do I really need to use this' for every single item in Daily, Monthly, and Seasonal. I tried to trim it down to include only the essentials, but gave myself a little cheat room by keeping five non-essentials from each category.

Then, onto emergency. Again, only the essentials. There's really no reason for non-essential or specialty items here (like an arm sling, unless there is a history of arm injuries). For me, I had literally cases of band-aids sitting around, and I'm quite sure I didn't need -all- of those, so I cut it down to two small boxes.

Now, onto never. This I actually had to divide into sub-catagories: Useful and non-useful. Non-useful is for things such as the wrapping around a DVD case, a box something came in, paper inserts that aren't needed for the function of an item, etc. Basically, trash.

Now, with the useful group, there is a little key to use called the 'Three Month Rule'. Look at each item and ask yourself, have you used it in the last three months? Three months doesn't sound like a lot, but it is a long time. If you haven't used an item in the last three months from this category, then you really don't need it.

Since the non-useful items are, well, non-useful, you can throw those away. However, take all the unneeded items from all the other categories, and either sell or donate them. That really helped me, because I really disliked the idea of throwing away perfectly good things

And the final thing is not to let yourself go back to old ways, of course! If something non-essential catches your eye at a store, then jot down what it is on a piece of paper. Leave the store, and wait three days. Over those three days, think about what you would do with it, when you would use it, etc. At the end of the three days, decide whether or not it would truly be useful to you. This way, you can help curb the impulse by giving yourself time to think it over.

I'm really sorry if that was too long or mixed up to follow, but that's pretty much what I did. I know everyone is different, but hopefully that can help!

[Perna]

The problem with hoarding is that it's a symptom so the underlying cause needs to be worked on at the same time for the best effect.

But not all people who we'd call hoarders really care/mind that they are such and it sounds like your grandmother is like that. If she doesn't want to clean up her act, there's no way you can help her.

Were I you, I'd take over some chores, like doing dishes, and see if you could get the kitchen a bit cleaner/neater. Do some of the cooking and thus take control of some of the spaces. I would take out trash when she's not paying attention, especially garbage. Have you tried straightening or moving things so you have more space at a table or wherever it was you wanted to be? It doesn't sound like she minded when you cleaned up your own room, maybe just keep going some and see if you can make yourself more comfortable that way.

I like to be comfortable and when things use to get too messy I'd change my bed, putting on new, clean sheets, etc. I often had to do a load of laundry so I'd put towels in the washer too and that meant I could neaten up the bathroom.

If you like to shop; clean out the refrigerator and make a list of foods you'd like. Then you can go to the store and buy some things there like fresh fruit and vegetables.

A lot of things take repetition (and, for me, cleaning out the vegetable drawer because I've let lettuce go bad is one of them :-) but I'm better at not buying things that will just go bad because I know I'll have to clean them out of the refrigerator and I don't want to do that. Cause and effect is nice but when things get really bad we have to stop "seeing" them in order to survive. Keep looking and keep seeing.

But seeing and cleaning up areas where you are is a very wonderful thing; congratulations on your hard work, Shinzy!

[Shinzy]

Thank you for the advice!

Even though it's pretty awkward for me (I know how to work with myself, but not with others), I'm definitely going to try my best at this. I'm going to start with the kitchen and the tables, like you suggested. Hopefully doing so will let her see how much better it looks and functions- maybe I can get her hooked on the extra space, too!

[croutl01]

Hi, my name is Cathy, and I am a hoarder. Ome thing I know is when my husband says something about my clutterI am completely frazzeled, I am also an orderer, and a check. Not the best combination, but hey it happens. Maybe buy her some organizable totes to store stuff in, that way everything has a place. or maybe slowly try to elimante somethings you think she won't notice but becareful becvause if she is anything like me I notice everything,.

Originally Posted by Shinzy

I know there was a recent thread on hoarding, but I couldn't seem to find anything about 'breaking it' to someone.

I've gone through this problem, myself, and most of my family does it. I recently came to my senses, and proceeded to clean up my act, and rid myself of 85% of my belongings that I was not using, or was just trash. I did this with minimal emotional support from a friend, and without my counselor knowing that the problem even existed.

I feel much better, but now I am confronting my grandmothers own problem with hoarding.

While it's not as bad as you see on tv, it's certainly a strain on me and my grandfather.

It has gotten to a point that I have to eat my meals at the computer desk (the only free table space) or in my bed. I also can only use my laptop in the bed, and I can't even get to my desktop any more (boxes piled on either side and in front of it.)

I've tried hinting at her to get rid of some of her things. I've tried suggesting that we start an organizational routine to help, even. She dismisses my suggestions, and refuses to listen.

How do you break it to someone who is that close to you that they have a serious problem with hoarding?

How would you go along with starting the cleanup process with them?

Should she seek her own counselor or therapist to help her?