[ocdlover]

Please help. I am new to this as I have never dated someone with OCD and panic/anxiety disorder. I met this man. At first I thought he was gay as he was a bit feminine but then realized he was just a nerdy artsy shy reserved soft hearted guy. I quickly grew to like him a lot and we have moved kind of fast. He is very tender, we def. have chemistry and physically we are both really attracted to each other. We have fun together, he makes me laugh and I am finding myself becoming very attached. However I did notice he had some quirks early on and was a bit **** about things and a little anxious. He doesn't like to open up too much and talk about things but he did sort of tell me that he has OCD and that he has had panic attacks. I don't know if it's the OCD but he does things that throw me off. Like we'll have a great date and all is well and suddenly he will just suddenly say he has to leave. He said he's not a germaphobe but he will use hand sanitizer or wash his hands right after we fool around and he will not have oral sex at all and I have a feeling it's because he is obsessing about that area of the body. He has trouble maintaining an erection. All will be great and then his body will just shut down and he'll shut down too and go to sleep. I don't know what to do because sometimes his inattentiveness to my needs throws me off as if he is not interested and don't know if this is normal for OCD or if it's something else. His big issues is checking his locks all the time and he can't listen to music (wears ear plugs) unless it's music he likes. It's hard to overlook some of these quirks but he's so sweet that I am having trouble not falling for him hard but I worry about how it will get down the road and how our sex life will get better or worse. When we do have sex he always runs quickly to the bathroom to clean up and he wants to wear condoms because I think he's got issues with that "area". I mean if he puts on a condom and it goes on backwards he's convinced that I will get pregnant and insists on new condom. I think he thinks just touching me will get me pregnant. Any little thing will set him off and he'll lose his erection immediately. I don't know how to deal with this. he refuses to take medication and seems to have a "this is me take it or leave it" attitude or doesn't think his obsessions are abnormal. I'm afraid how our intimacy will be affected by this because even though it's great when we "make out" when it comes to the actual deed he gets very weird about it. will he ever be comfortable with me being on the pill. he says he likes skin on skin but i notice won't let his penis touch even my backside without a condom and when i brought up going on the pill he wasn't very excited by that idea whereas most guys don't want to wear condoms. The oral sex thing he says he had a bad experience so doesn't sound like he'll ever want to have oral sex. I gave him oral sex and i know he loved it but hasn't wanted it since. I'm very confused and feeling frustrated and a bit neglected both emotionally and physically because like i said everything will be great and then he'll just leave all of a sudden like he has to get home or has things to do (ie waking up and running home so he could do laundry at 7am instead of sleeping in with me when he has all day to do laundry) or never calling me. he'll go days without calling me and it makes me feel like he doesn't like me but then he'll call me like it's no big deal. so i'm getting lots of mixed messages but it's not the type of behavior you get from someone who just wants sex and doesn't actually like you. he seems to genuinely like me but these little behaviors that i don't understand throw me off.

[ocdlover]

an added note...he has a thing where he won't drive more than a certain speed limit on the freeway and must drive in one particular lane behind big trucks. he is very stubborn about it or he would rather not drive the freeway at all. it's like he doesn't even want to try to break from this zone that he gets in. he gets in his little world and i don't think even picks up on cues as to my needs/wants. how do i get him to understand where i'm coming from when every time i try to bring it up he changes the subject. when he told me he had ocd it was like he forgot he told me and then when i brought it up he wouldn't talk about it.

[ocdlover]

as an added note....he is also very particular when it comes to driving. he will only drive a certain speed limit and in one particular lane and he must drive behind a big truck. or he would rather not drive the freeway. he gets in his world and makes no apologies for who he is which i admire, but i feel he is oblivious to how this is not typical behavior and how it therefore might affect me. like he isn't letting me in on what's going on so then i feel really confused. he doesn't want to open up or talk about his obsessions and even forgot he had told me he had ocd and when i brought it up he changed the subject. he won't talk about it and just expects me to be totally okay with these things he does that throw me off. the feeliing neglected thing when he just suddenly needs to leave my house out of the blue when we are having a great time hurts. the fact that he won't have oral sex and must immediately clean after sex makes me feel "dirty". it's hard not to take it personally. he gets really zoned in his own world. he'll surf the internet just to watch clips from movies hundreds of times. this is why i think he needs to race home even though he won't admit why. maybe he needs to recheck the locks or surf the internet or wash or clean?? i'm not sure and just don't know how to deal with this but it's hard because i really really care about him.

[jexa]

He does sound sweet and odd, the kind of guy I would fall for too.
I think it is awesome that you are trying to stick it through his oddities. Sounds like this stuff troubles you and understandably so - his anxiety problems are getting in the way of how well he is treating you in this relationship. And I would have a hard time with a guy who would never perform oral. I work at an OCD clinic but I don't have all the answers. But I can give what I know. First of all, some of this sounds like it's related to his personality rather than his fears, like not calling you.. that doesn't sound like OCD. But the sex issues do sound like OCD, and obviously his checking stuff is OCD. And perhaps the needing to do laundry is also. Maybe he couldn't stop thinking about it until it was done. That is an OCD thing.

He actually sounds a lot like someone I know at the clinic.

Anyway, for you to work this out, you're going to have to find a way to talk to him about this stuff. Maybe his style of interpersonal communication makes it difficult to express your concerns. Could you write him a letter, expressing just one of your concerns at a time? I don't know, this kind of guy sounds like he would be receptive to a sweet, handwritten letter. Maybe you could just write about how you wish he would call more often? Or whichever thing you think you should bring up first. And then you couch it in sweet things to say about him or something poetry-ish maybe, or.. you know him. Don't make the letter all about the criticism is what I am saying. Also, choose this battle wisely. It will take him time to recover from any criticism like this, even if he doesn't show it. It will take him a LONG time to change his behavior (change from the norm is probably very difficult for him). And you should not ask for anything else from him that is different from his normal behavior for quite some time. He sounds pretty "walled off" not in the prickly way, but just in the.. reclusive, reserved way. Partly due to OCD, partly due to who he is. So little things will have to break down his barriers, and in the meantime, you will have to have enormous amounts of patience and the ability to be very subtle with him to try to get him to meet your needs without encroaching on his need for privacy and self-determination.

If he is very willing and very committed to your relationship, he may even consider couple's counseling. Is he in therapy? This also will help -- but it should be exposure and response prevention if it is OCD. ERP works better than medication for OCD. If the T doesn't do ERP, GO SOMEWHERE ELSE. Also, if you decide to suggest therapy to him, please do this VERY carefully!!

Hope this helps. And best of luck.

[jexa]

Or maybe you could buy him a book? A not-so-subtle hint. But easier than talking with him about it, it appears. This is a really good one:
http://www.amazon.com/Freedom-Obsess.../dp/1585422460

Hello, ocdlover. Is he on medication or seeing a therapist? Have you been to where he lives? If he will not talk about your concerns, just where do you expect this relationship to go? It is your life and this guy will truly provide some variety.

[Window]

His lack of awareness of your feelings sounds like a personality disorder rather than an OCD.

I am hearing you express just as much pain due this, as to the sexual issues. It's possible he has an addiction that he may be hiding from you as well, like maybe porn? He might find this a more comfortable way to release because of the OCD fears and anxieties, which are nothing to do with you as being satisfactory to him or not. I'm sure you're amazing, but the OCD is strong enough to break his pleasure, and have it hard for him to get out of his head, and be in the moment like you rightfully need him to be.

I don't mean to give you something to fear as I may be wrong, but it may help you find more clarity, thus decide what you need to do, should this in fact be the case.