[DancingAlone]

oh dear. well, this seems to be the year of facing things so here goes. didn't want to go near this one but am sort of forced to.

i am on disability for bipolar disorder, just dx'd with d.i.d., so am mainly dealing with those issues. but i have a small parttime job two days a week as a home health aide, one day is 12 hrs. at night. i have to be very quiet because the client/her family is asleep so i started taking a book to read, which was like facing a firing squad. (at first i just sat and looked at the floor patterns but that gets old after 12 hours!)

you see, for about 15 years now, i can't read books. it's even a chore to read the posts here. it takes me twice as long and here's why.

i have to stop at every period, comma, question mark, quotation marks, dots (. . .), noting words in bold, italic, paragraph breaks, and sometimes even the spaces in-between the words when it's at it's worst. the two letters that i have to "trace" with my eyes (in books) are t's and g's.

it is pure agony. it takes me about 4 hours to read even 10-20 pages sometimes. i miss reading so much. i read constantly when a young girl as an escape. i even had a tree in the backyard that i would climb with my books to escape and loved hiding in the wonderful stories.

but now i just don't know what to do. i read here there are medicines for this? i am on celexa (citalopram) for depression (seroquel for the bipolar) and valium (for PTSD and anxiety/panic attacks). the celexa is also for PTSD and OCD but it doesn't even come close to stopping this awful urge when i am trying to read. i told my new pdoc but she sort of dismissed it because of the other issues i need help with right now. i am also very ashamed to admit it but i am learning that here at PC i can be honest for the first time about a lot of things.

i have actually finished 3 books over the past several months which i am proud of, but it is so hard to get lost in the book so that i "forget" to stop everywhere while reading, but then suddenly it will just rush back and i'm bombarded with the urges again. oh, and also, if i post here, it's getting to where i can't use capital letters much anymore, and i will edit a post to death trying to make sure everything is spelled correctly. help!!!

is this an indication of something else going on? or is it a "brain tick" so to speak? i really need help with this if anybody has had to deal with something like this, or knows of any medications that may help. THANK YOU!!!!!!

[vertebrae]

Hello DancingAlone ...

I have had OCD for many, many years now and have experienced its morphing from one obsession or compulsion into another over the course of time.

I can identify with your issues regarding the inability to read at a comfortable rate. While not having to perform the rituals that you have mentioned, I have some of my own.

However, I think that you may just want to investigate a mid to high level dosage of Zoloft (i.e. 100 to 200 mg / day range), depending on how much you feel your OCD is interfering with your daily activites - AND - whatever drug interactions it may have with your current regimen of medications.

I've been on 200 mg of Zoloft for several years now (having previously been on 80 mg / day of Prozac) and I've found that the Zoloft has a better effect with regard to the severity of my OCD. It tends to "blunt" or "lessen" the amplification of OCD when it occurs and makes concentrating a bit easier.

Granted, it may or may not work for you as your body chemistry / genetic make-up / other medical or physical conditions / etc. tend to be main factors in how well your body and brain adapt to it. You and your doctor will have to work out a trial and error period in which to find the dosage that works for you.

You'll have to be patient and allow for the possibility of side effects to occur, but don't let that dissuade you from persevering on the Zoloft route.

If anything, with regard to your issues with reading, you may want to invest in some audio books on tape / CD / etc. so that you can listen to a particular book that you may be interested in.

I'd suggest locating a book on tape or CD first, then obtaining the book itself (via a bookstore or your local library) and then playing the tape / CD along with the book as you read it.

It will keep your mind from becoming stuck on the various rituals and will allow you to maintain a bit of a cadence. If it becomes problematic, you can always rewind the tape / CD and begin once again. Anything to alleviate that urge to read or reread something (or trace the letters as you mentioned).

Give it a try.

I suggest you get an idea as to what book titles are out there which are available in audio format by heading over to Amazon . com, then double checking to verify that there is a hardcopy of the title (i.e. hardcover or paperback that you can hold in your hands), and either purchasing both, or checking the stacks at your local library to see if they have said audio titles / hardcopy texts.

Hope this was of some assistance to you.

Best wishes,

vertebrae

[DancingAlone]

dear vertebrae,
head foggy today but thank you so much for reply! never even thought about books on tape. could use headphones probably (it's the 12 hr shift at night i read at--have to be very quiet).

but sadly the zoloft was an awful med for us. rapid cycling, mixed states for 5 yrs and only on it 1 yr.! was awful, very scared of it but thank you again. as soon as get income return, will get a tape player for CD/books. never thought of it. thank youi thank you.

DA

[vertebrae]

Hey there DancingAlone ...

Good to hear back from you. Actually, to let you in on a little secret, I had signed up on this site a couple of years ago and then pretty much let my account / activity run out (if that can be done here) -or- I may have closed my account ... I can't remember which.

For some reason or another, I swung by the site again last night (Sunday, 01.02.2011) and was perusing the OCD section when I happened to come across your posting. Read it and then went about my business here on the Internet.

However, I kept having a nagging feeling like I needed to reply to your question / request.

So, lo and behold, I signed up once again (albeit under a new alias - "vertebrae" - which really stands for nothing other than it is a word which can be typed entirely my left hand [all the letters are on the left side of the keyboard] while I scroll around with the mouse), just so I could offer a reply / suggestion for you to consider.

Was thinking about this during the day today and another idea came to my mind. I had a friend who volunteered to assist at the local society for the blind / visually impared. What she did was read books aloud while having it recorded on audio / compact disc for the blind individuals to listen to at their leisure.

I'm guessing that she was reading current titles for these individuals, and I do believe that it was for free. Now if you run into any trouble in obtaining current book titles that you may be interested in, you may want to check with the local chapter of the blind / visually impared. If you don't find anything, you can always do a Google Search for "Blind Guild" or "Society of the Blind" or "Friends of the Blind". Or, contact your local eye doctor / Lenscrafters / etc. and ask them if they know a local blind guild.

I think that you *may* be able to obtain these audio books to possibly use in conjunction with the hardcopy editions of the books (so that you can read along with the audio version). This will hopefully negate your anxiety with regard to getting stuck on certain words, letters, or punctuation. The benefit of having the audio version will kind of act like having a co-pilot while you read.

Also, your local library is a great source of books on tape / CD's. They should have both the audio and hardcopy versions of titles. Additionally, you may want to take a gander at the large print editions. I think that sometimes a larger printed font on the page can assist with reading something clearly.

Sorry to hear about your experience with Zoloft. I'm not sure what types of SSRI's may work in conjunction with your condition (Bipolar?), however, there has to be something out there that will alleviate your OCD symptoms.

OK then, gonna scoot here. Hit me back with a reply on your thoughts about my suggestions and we'll take it from there.

Hang in there,

vertebrae

[Perna]

Sounds like could be any number of things going on, based on your other problems or different ones, etc. I would go with my doctor's idea though and work on the other problems first.

Were I you, I would see if I could find something else to do for awhile; something like knitting/crocheting/other needlework, putting together photo albums or scrap booking, some other hobby that didn't require reading.

[DancingAlone]

so sorry haven't been online much to respond to your wonderful suggestions that i never even thought of!!!!! have been working extra fill-in and so tired!

vertebrae, first, i wondered about the story behind your name. lol never thought of those being letters typed with the left hand...how clever of you! i thought maybe it was 'cause it's the "backbone" and yours is strong.

the library in this little town has a whole rack of books on tape that i remembered seeing when i had to use their computers there when mine "died" in 2009 before getting a new one. so they are there and i look forward to checking them out, literally!

Perna, i can't crochet but i can knit and actually have some skeins in a box in the basement may dig out and try. was knitting a baby blanket, they are easy to do. so another good idea. thank you so very much.

the reading is getting worse, now having to skip over the spaces between words real quick to make it to the next word "safely". hmmmm maybe a clue? don't know yet. now also have to "trace" around most capital letters, guess that's why i don't use them here in typing. <sigh> always something eh? lol

anyway, thank you both again for two excellent ideas that i will try.

[vertebrae]

DancingAlone ...

Thanks for your kind words, but I don't seem to have a "strong backbone" ... it has taken a beating both figuratively and literally. I do get the gist of what you meant and I do appreciate it though.

Yes, the left hand only typing comes in handy as I decided to conduct a search for all of the various words which can be typed using the left hand only. "Vertebrae" was the one that stood out for me, so it has become my alias here on the forums.

Good to hear that you have access to the books on tape via your local library. Like I suggested, if you want to check out the book on tape with its matching hardback / paperback edition, do so.

That way you can read along with the person narrating via the tape / CD and if you feel like you are possibly becoming distracted by the words themselves, you can fall back on the voice of the narrator to guide you along.

Whatever you do, don't fret over this. Take it step by step.

__________

Also, if you really want to avoid the spaces between the words on the pages, you might try a trick that I do whenever I read a book:

Rather than look at the page of a book straight on (like you would if you read the book splayed open on its spine on a flat surface), hold the book so it forms a letter "L". By that, I mean rather than flat at 180 degrees, hold the book open to 90 degrees.

When reading the text on the left page (and once again keeping the book open to 90 degrees), read the sentences at an angle from the edge of the page downward to the spine of the book. It is almost like what you would experience if you were standing to the far left of a television set and reading a ticker tape display like they have at the bottom of some cable news television shows. You know, the ones that scroll from right to left across the screen. (The words sort of wind up "coming at you".)

Adjust the page of the book in relation to your eyes so that the spaces in between the words of each sentence are "cinched up" (so to speak).

Ex. T H E W O R D S M A Y L O O K L I K E T H I S when there is too much space between them.

But if you tilt the page, your vision eliminates the extra spaces and views the sentences almost as if they were a line.

Ex. THE WORDS MAY THEN LOOK LIKE THIS.

You can do this on the right page as well ... it will just be that instead of reading from the edge of the page toward the spine (as you did on the left page), you'll be reading from the spine outward to the edge of the page.

I hope you were able to follow what I was trying to explain above as it is somewhat difficult to imagine, but I think you'll get the gist of it.

When there is too much space on a page due to the typesetting preferences of the book publisher, or for that matter, the font size or particular choice of typeface can make or break the ease of use / ease of reading a book. Words printed too small or too closely can add eyestrain and subconsciously act as a distraction to one's concentration or understanding of what they have just read.

OK then, gonna scoot here ... hope this helped.

Best wishes,

vertebrae

[DancingAlone]

hi vertebrae, (i like typing your name with one hand! )

the problem with how i hold a book is determined by two things. first, even tho i have bifocals, they are old and no good so i have to take my glasses off to read a book, and hold it close to my face to be able to see the words. i do use the "L" shaped hold on the book tho, mostly.

the other is that at night at that client's house, the only lights left on at night are two "sunk in" ones in the ceiling in the kitchen, way across the room. us aides have to sit in a loveseat right by the client's bedroom door so we can hear her calling us. so i have to hold the book a certain way to see the words. it's hard to do!!! <sigh>

i won't be able to afford getting a book and the book on tape both, but am looking forward to checking out the books on tape when i can afford a tape player. i'll go to the library and see what kind of device i need to get to play them.

i do have a concern about that tho. this client is sorta mean and she "tests" us aides to see if we are awake by saying our name very very softly. i may just go ahead and get the tape/books on tape and tell her to speak louder because i am "listening" to a book!!! (now where do i get the courage to do that?! lol )

thank you so much for your concern with me and my reading problems. it means a lot to me. please take care and have a good week.

DA

[vertebrae]

Hey there DancingAlone ...

Saw your reply here from the other day. I've been doing a bit of typing on another site, so my fingers have been getting a workout lately. Lots of finger cramps.

So with that in mind, please pardon my delay here in getting back to you.

OK, good to know that you do the "L-shaped" hold with regard to holding a book to read. Also, sorry to learn about your issue with your bifocals being old (or needing to be replaced I presume?).

As far as the lighting issue at your client's home, would it be feasible for you to possibly invest in a tiny battery operated booklight? They are available at just about any bookstore, and I think may even be available at Wal-mart or Target or some other common retailer in your area. They can be as small as a pen and run on small batteries. Usually they just clip onto the cover of the book or are able to be inserted down into the space that is referred to as the "spine" of the book.

It might do the trick in that it would provide a direct light upon the pages -AND- as an added benefit, would not have the "light-spill" of a much larger light source that may keep your client awake / disturb their sleep. Sounds to me like the recessed lighting or "sunk-in" lighting is not really doing the trick for you and in my opinion, may very well be contributing to eyestrain which is only aggravating the OCD-like compulsions on possibly a subconscious level.

I know that my OCD symptoms tend to spike whenever I am tired or stressed out. Sometimes I have to take a step back and conduct a self evaluation of my physical / mental / emotional / spiritual portions of myself to determine if there is a cause for the amplification of my OCD symptoms. Usually I find the source and then make proper corrections in that area. Within a brief period of time, the spike in OCD behaviour abates.

With the book on tape / CD (a.k.a. "the audio books") suggestion, granted, I don't think that you would need to purchase the book itself if you were able to utilize your local library's catalogue of audio books. More likely than not, I would think that they have BOTH types of the same titles.

For example, a Dr. Phil self-help book may be available in hardback form and in audio book form. What I would suggest you do, would be checking out both editions and then using the audio version to sort of guide you along as you have the book in front of you.

That way you are almost reading with sort of a "co-pilot" or narrator, so that when or if you feel stuck or are beginning to trace letters or are thrown a curve by punctuation marks, the audio book will continue onward. If not, you can always rewind / reverse the audio book back to the point at which you became stuck and then try once again. The nice thing about it is that it (the audioplayer) will never complain about having to do so time and time again. Your batteries may complain, but they can be replaced.

For listening to the books on tape, I would suggest a small set of the headphone "buds" that fit within the ear, or are able to be attached outside the ear. They don't have the headband which holds them together, which will allow you to place one earbud within your ear and leave the other bud off so that you can have one ear propped open to listen for your client's voice.

Sorry to hear that you have to deal with her little "tests" as I think that is something you don't really need to have added to your caretaking duties. If you do mention it to her, do so politely and let her know that you are only listening to the audio books in order to pass the time. Let her know that you'll still be able to be summoned by her as you will listen to said books using just one earbud / headphone.

OK then, I'm gonna scoot here. Stay well and I do hope that you continue to do better in your pursuit of enjoyable reading once again.

Take care,

-vertebrae-

[DancingAlone]

so sorry i haven't responded to your excellent suggestions but i fell in the snow the other day and am battling The Leg Splint (wow, capital letters...lol ) and pain. oh well. <sigh>

i like the reading light idea. that would keep me from having to bring the book almost to my nose to see it!

also, the "buds"? will look into that. that way i could hear client and only "listen" with one ear to the book.

and your comment about ocd and stress. you aren't gonna believe this, but one book i was reading at clients, wanted to finish it (was a good book) so thouight i'd finish it at home. the reading stuff i usually do was almost gone!!! (was just the punctuation stuff and only a tad of the caps like i do when reading here) so there ya go. it must be extreme stress at that client's. she scares the heck out of me and guess it was transferred into the ocd stuff i do when reading.

also, the last time i did any serious reading was years ago when taking care of my mom dying with cancer. so see? that was high-stress too but i just thought that was the way it was with reading and i quit reading books at that time until now.

amazing. like tom hanks said in "philadelphia", "for every problem there is a solution" and i always know if i search enough (and meet caring, concerned and smart people like you ) i will get an answer. thank you vertebrae. means a lot to this ole gal. take care.

[vertebrae]

DancingAlone ...

Give me a couple here to get back with you in response to your latest reply / posting.

Kind of sidetracked here with something on the forums that requires my immediate attention, so my mind and energy are slightly taxed a bit.

Will touch base with you.

Thanks.

-vertebrae-