[Ipod1]

okay to start off this is my first post. so it'll be a little lengthy trying to describe how i've been feeling the past few months with some brief history.. so i've pretty much been depressed my whole life but it didnt come to my attention until i was around 16 or 17, im 22 now. i had a bad experience with marijuana when i was 16 and it seems like everything kinda started from there. i blacked out for about 30 seconds or so and it freaked me out really bad for the next couple of days. havent smoked it sense and i also never used any other kinds of drugs. im guessing a few months maybe a year after that is when i started to have these obsessions. i had been terrified of the drug acid because of losing control, hallucinating, etc. so a lot of my ocd was related to that for awhile. id think people would mess with my cigarettes and lase them with acid or something else, my food, drinks etc. this was hard at the time but i eventually got over it. i also had thoughts about loved ones being hurt if i didnt do a ritual etc.. so from there i somehow got myself out of doing rituals by telling myself okay so if you do this ritual the bad thought will happen, if that makes sense. and that has stuck around with me until now. for a while i was doing good, hanging out with friends skateboarding a lot, never the best in school. i had a panic attack when i was probably 19 and i had no idea what was wrong with me at all but i felt very scared thinking i was losing my mind etc. i wouldnt hardly go within a 10 mile radius of my house because thats where i felt comfortable if i was to have an anxiety attack. well somehow i overcame all of that too and once again i was doing good, just got my GED started going to college, met my current girlfriend still skateboarded a lot. when i was 20 we broke up for a couple months and i picked up playing pool very often. when we got back together things were doing pretty good for awhile. i lived with my dad for my whole life until then. we lost our apartment due to him being unemployed and me not contributing as much as i shouldve. and i went to stay with a friend and it was very stressful. (sorry the post is so long i really need to get to the bottom of what is going on with me because im very fearful) so another year later my dad, brother, sister, and i finally got an apartment. my girlfriend and i are having a rocky relationship. but anyway i continued to play pool. i started not hanging out with my friends as much as usual just my girlfriend, work, pool, and family. i was rarely home at all for about a year or so. just constantly doing something to keep me occupied. i wasnt having much anxiety in this time. well fast forward to about 2 or 3 months ago. i started becoming anxious again about driving long distances because i feared my car breaking down and id get stuck wherever i was and id have a panic attack. i started avoiding the highway and traffic as much as possible. i started telling myself i should not be like this i shouldnt feel this way and made myself take the highway again. this didnt help only made me more anxious. i started having trouble dealing with stress, started becoming distant from friends, not really participating in usual hobbies unless i force myself too. i keep having these very scary thoughts. i know i would never ever harm or kill another person but for some reason these thoughts pop into my head. it seems to be triggered by just looking at someone sometimes. i havent felt normal for about a month i feel emotionally blank sometimes and sometimes i'll feel better but not for long at all. i havent got a good night sleep in i dont know how long. i have nightmares and very strange thoughts before i go to bed. i do not hallucinate (that i know of). not sure if im delusional because if i do have a strange thought i know that it isnt real. but it seems ive been having so many off the wall thoughts i cant even begin to describe them. i do not feel like myself AT ALL. i cant hardly eat, i smoke way to many cigarettes since this all started happening. like today i was in the shower and i closed my eyes and grabbed my head and had this image maybe from a movie about maybe a demon that grabs his head i dont know its hard to explain.im constantly overthinking my thoughts and checking every symptom of the way i feel. like double checking to make sure i didnt hear something or make sure im not hallucinating or having delusions. but it scares me so bad and im not sure what to do. ive been diagnosed with ocd depression and anxiety but i feel something else is going on. its so hard to concentrate, think about anything in the past, im not very forgetful. songs have been getting stuck in my head and i cant stop singing them over and over in my head. but i just do not feel the slightest bit normal. if you have any questions please ask and i'll respond quickly. please give me some good news. also i can still think pretty rationally its just hard with all of these feelings and thoughts.

Is it at all possible that because I've read so much about this illness that I've started to become obsessed with there symptoms and constantly Checking myself out?
another thing. this is a huge phobia. ive been on my iphone nonstop trying to figure out whats going on with me and havent had any luck really.. thank you in advance

[mindful_of_light]

Sometimes it's hard to figure out what's going on online. I suggest trying to see a psychiatrist in person so they can diagnose what's going on. If you are worried that you are having delusions or hallucinations or if you feel like you are a danger to yourself or others, I would go into an emergency room. I know that you'd like to figure this out all by yourself, but everybody needs a helping hand sometimes. And, when you get the help you want and need, you'll be better positioned to help others.

[Ipod1]

Originally Posted by mindful_of_light

Sometimes it's hard to figure out what's going on online. I suggest trying to see a psychiatrist in person so they can diagnose what's going on. If you are worried that you are having delusions or hallucinations or if you feel like you are a danger to yourself or others, I would go into an emergency room. I know that you'd like to figure this out all by yourself, but everybody needs a helping hand sometimes. And, when you get the help you want and need, you'll be better positioned to help others.

Yes I've been too the hospital three times and seen three different psychiatrist, and a therapist. I'm not worried I'm hallucinating or being delusional. It's a huge fear. I still just feel out of it idk what's wrong with me still. They say it's just anxiety and depression. Oh well I guess. I'll either get better or get worse.

[ocd5mom]

First of all, welcome. Second of all, have you tried controlling your anxiety with meditation? My little girl has OCD, but she has asthma and panics sometimes. We try to keep her calm with meditation and yoga...we are trying to avoid too much medication, but it seems to help her keep calm. Just a suggestion that might help with the anxiety bit. I hope they are able to help you discover what is going on with you though.

[Ipod1]

I won't take anti depressants. I don't really wanna take meds either. I do take Xanax sometimes. I should take my anti depressants too but I'm scared of them.

[ocd5mom]

I understand your concern about the anti-depressents...I was on them for a few months after my divorce and they made me feel odd, my outlook didn't seem to make me feel as badly as before but they made me feel strange anyway. I know a few people who have had great success taking them though, so I guess it just comes down to discussing with the RIGHT doctor and doing what is best for yourself.