[samdude]

Hello I am samI am writing this in great depression and i am not sure what is my tomorrow. I have been suffering with constant doubt about my sexual orientation and every new doubt depresses me and hurts me a lot giving lots of pain and making me lose the belief that i am straight. Let me narrate you what has happened.When i was 9 yrs old one of my friends in the class asked to touch his pennis and press it for sometime, i was a poor student at that time in class and used to feel inferiority complex as i used to score the less marks in entire class and used to fail in some subjects. Many of my friends used to bully me at time and i was scared at them as i was weak in studies. i agreed to do what my friend told me to do and it continued for 5-6 times in a year.After that 6th standard it never happened as the guy who was forcing went to another school.when i was 15 Yrs old i became mature physically and aware of sex and all these years right from my childhood from the age of5 i was always attracted to only girls. When i was in 14 this is when i was in 10th i came to know that people press their pennis for pleasure. One of my cousins who came to visit my home during holidays told me that even they used to do many things in class, he was 11 yrs old that time. So i remembered why my friend used to ask me to do all those, i thought it would give pleasure so i asked my cousin whether shall we also do that, we used to press each others for 2 mins before sleep and used to go to sleep. One day i saw porn(Straignt) and became uncontrollable and asked my cousin shall we do that, he said ok. we entered a room and opened our shirts and kissed each other on neck and chest and cheeks for 2 mins and got seperated after somebody knocked our door. i didn't feel that happy what i expected and we never did that again and i dint get the thought of asking him again. This is what all happened.After that i was happy in life and was always attracted to girls and there was not even a single incident that i was attracted to boys or thought of boys sexually, i was in relationship a girl for 5 years and was very happy with her. It was in 2011 end when i used to have extreme sexual feelings so far in my life at that time i used to get erection seeing every beautiful girl or when a girl touches me, one day i was talking to one of my colleagues who has decent looks after the chat we went into cab and sat on our way back home he sat beside me and suddenly his shoulder touched my legs i don't know why it happened but suddenly i got an erection. This is the point which changed my life all of sudden. I became so angry on me why did i get that erection and starting doubting my sexual orientation and suddenly the incident which happened in my childhood came into my mind and that's it all my life changed.From last 31/2 years i have been troubling with disturbing thoughts, i have almost totally lost confidence that i am straight. every day i go through lots of pain thinking why my life has become like this and at times i get feelings towards men which i am unable to control and i see myself slowly getting dragged in that way. There are many distorted memories i don't know whether they really happened, i never had those memories that those kind of things happened but they seem to be real i don't know how to check my memory and many questions come up, At times i get some feelings looking at good looking men which i hate it and don't want to come. My mind always tries to trouble me saying that you are that you should start thinking in that way, i am always losing the battle with my mind. There are many questions which come up.I used to have extreme hatred towards homosexuals to the extent that they even should be punished this feeling i have it even today i am not sure how to get rid of that even now and the thought that i am the one which i used to hate most in my life is killing me and from that day my mind says you should be punished and slowly i am getting agreed to the thing that i should be punished and m suffering a lot. My mind started to say that i should get erection and feelings seeing men and i started getting them and in that way i am slowly unwantedly going in that way this went to the extent that when my mind said i need to get erection touching wall or looking at design or something on the floor(designs on the stone) i started getting them now i came to that phase i am scared to look at any designs or touch them i am scared to even touch them. because of this i get many panic attacks, pains in chest and fever.One day a question came to my mind that if all women would be dead will you do gay sex then the answer came as yes from inside and another question came if all my friends do the gay sex will you do then answer came as yes from inside that's it these two questions are terrifying me from the day these came into my mind. i asked the second question(if all my friends do) to my couple of my friends they said no from the moment i heard the answer from them is no and from me is yes it is really terrifying and torturing me that am i not straight, i am not sure why the answer is not coming as no from inside i don't know what is my problem. I feel that the desire for sex in me is making me say yes i agree i have high sex desires i get attracted to every good looking girl but the desire for sex is not that worst that i fail to differentiate between men and women i am not aroused by any man when i don't have these thoughts but i am not sure why the answer is coming as yes from inside.Normally i don't have any feelings or attraction to men but the answers come as yes for the questions and when i don't have all these questions i will be happy thinking normally.Can anyone please help with my problem, it would be of great help if you can help. i want to lead happy life with getting married to a woman and i don't want to spoil my life like this.Your reply and help could help save my life, even while writing this i am writing with tears in my eyes.

[CANDC]

Hi samdude. Welcome to Psych Central. Sorry you are feeling so low and contemplating self harm. Google the samaritans or other hot line numbers in your country so you have a safety plan.
Psych Central - Search results for Safety plan

If you feel that there is a risk of acting on these thoughts call a hotline right away.

If you have a therapist or psych doc, contact them as soon as you can to look at meds.

Many people who are actively involved in Psych Central find it helps take them out of their own problems to develop empathy for others. And their problems though still there are more manageable.

Some people find the forums give them the compassion and empathy they seek. http://forums.psychcentral.com