[Mystic4]

Although I don't remember a specific day when I started to pull my hair I was around 13.
I remember the day my sister noticed my bald spot larger than a golf ball on the side of my head. My mother I remember was mortified and I didn't exactly know what I had done wrong.
Over the next few months I spent in and out of specialists. But even though I had all that help nothing we seemed to try would stop my disorder.
Thoughout the last years of primary and the first 3 years of high school were for me what I thought were the worst times of my life.
My pulling got so bad my mum and I agreed that the only thing left to do was shave my remaining clump of hair off my head.
I couldn't believe or even come to terms with the fact that while all my friends started to go out with boys, wearing make up and getting their hair done on a regular basis was what I seen as something I would never get to experience. I was depressed, anxious and I was failing at school. I wanted nothing more than to see my mum and family happy. I know they loved me but I knew deep down and felt that they were embaressed of me. My sisters would ignore me when with their friends just so they could get out of having to explain my condition to their friends when they asked what was wrong with me. I was ashamed of myself and what I had become. I knew I had to stop. I was fighting with my mum constantly she was sad for me everytime she'd noticed I'd touched my hair. I couldn't bare to see her like this anymore and I knew something had to be done.
After years of trying everything possible from wearing stockings on my head whilst sleeping, to sticky taping the tips of my fingers also when going to bed. I suddenly one day just stopped. I can't remember when or what day it was but I do know I had just started to take my swimming seriously., Throughout my years I loved to swim and was really good at it. But when my pulling to to the point of not being able to hide it I stopped. Getting back in that pool was like a huge stress reliever and wake up call. I had a distraction and six months later I my one bald head was completely covered with hair. I was feeling on top of the world. Nothing could stop me.
By year 10 my hair was past my shoulders, it was a beautiful thick wavey auburn head of hair. I was at the top of my year in school and had my confidence was through the roof. I was representing my region in swimming and touch and I felt like I was a completely new person. I loved who I had become and never throught once about touching my hair.
I went 4 years without one single urge. But when it come time to leave my home town for UNE I started to worry. 3 months into UNE I must have slowly gotten back into my old habits. I don't remeber starting but it happened not as fast but I slowly became caught up in my old pattern. I left une as I was anxious and felt like i didn't want to be there. I wanted to go home. I wanted to be comfortable and was scared that this sudden change was what I felt to be the reason for trich to be slowly coming back into my life.
After 2 months of being at home I met my partner. We were together for a year and decided it was time to move in together. So I moved 20 mins from home to a smaller town. My urges vanished and I was happy with life. I was loving my new home and my great partner. We decided to buy our first home and also I fell pregnant. Everything was happening so fast. We literally were moving in the day we had our beautiful daughter. We were so happy with our precious girl and new home.
I don't exactly know what triggered my OCD but I think it was a lot of things, after we had our daughter my partner had a crazy obsessed crush (stalker) who was trying to destroy our relationship- she made out my partner was trying to hit on her, talk to her ect. I was struggling with coming to terms with it as I was self concious and down on my image after just giving birth to our daughter. Even though I trust my partner and didn't believe her I felt targeted and had alot of things on my mind.
I felt alone in my my new town and started to become anxious. My pulling started again. It has come to the point where I can't even wear my hair down. I feel soo sad and disappointed in myself. I spend hours a day trying to perfect my ponytail. Making sure nothing is noticeable. I feel so cranky at myself. It is SO selfish of me to spend that time infront of the mirror while my poor daughter misses out on that valuable time with her mummy that we will never get back. I am ashamed of myself and what I have started again. I want nothing more than to spend every minute with my daughter and not have to worry about my hair.

This is the first time I have spoken to anyone since this started again. My parnter doesn't even know but god it has affected our relationship.; I have lost my confidence, Im down all the time and have cut off social outings with friends as I have no chance of doing my hair. My partner thinks that my hair falls out...thats what I have told him because I'm too ashamed of telling him the complete truth.. Its not that he'd leave or love me any less its just I feel that he won't understand that I can't control it because I control everything else. I have to get this under control, lately I have been crying myself to sleep..thinking about my poor baby who I feel I have neglected...even though I spoil her rotten and love her more than anything I feel I don't devote my whole time to her like I should. I want to be able to get my hair done like I use to instead of standing infront of the mirror contemplating whether I should just shave it off!! I am pregnant with my second I remember how beautiful and fast my hair grew during my first pregnancy. We have planned a holiday at the end of the year and I would love more than anything to have these next few months pull free so I can go swimming with my daughter and come time to welcome our new addition to the family without having to even glance at my hair in the mirror. I NEED help!! I NEED support off people like you!! People who completely understand what is going on.

[Miswimmy1]

My sister has trichotilimania... I get all about that. I have OCD so I get that too. Anything can trigger OCD- a move, hormone levels changing with childbirth, new responsibilities at work, school, etc. sometime they just come out of the blue. That's the thing, OCD is not rational. I get how u feel. If u wanna talk, message me anytime