[nothingiscertain]

Hello!
I noticed that my OCD revolves a lot around doing embarrassing and ethically wrong things like shouting inappropriate things in front of people or doing harm to people...
When I get intrusive thoughts like 'What if I told my teacher that gang rape is a great idea?' or 'What if I hurt my friends without being able to remember it?', they often quickly turn into more than just that...I'm obsessed with the idea of maybe having done something horrible or extremely embarrassing in the past without being able to remember it. Sometimes its even to the extent where I actually believe that I might have memories of something I'm sure didn't actually happening. For example, I 'remember' having stabbed a friend and having told a teacher to 'f... a corpse' when from all of the other things that I remember and from the way these people interact with me now this seems simply absurd, completely and utterly nonsensical. There is absolutely no reason why I should believe in these absurd and obviously fabricated memories, but when I 'remember' them, I still get panic attacks which cause me to actually hold this to be the truth for a moment. It's horrible, because it makes me feel so awfully ashamed and full of guilt...does anyone
In the past I got rid of these thoughts and false memories by using self harm, but this is obviously not a solution to the problem at all which is why I stopped. I however continued to bite my lips, grind my teeth, and have compulsive thoughts (eg repeatedly counting to 4 for hours in my head or repeating certain phrases in my mind) to make these thoughts stop...it's far less effective than self harm, but while still not being 'good', it's undoubtedly a better way of dealing with this problem.

I'm also very scared of behaving in a way that will make everyone hate me and of being a psychopath or intellectually retarded. All of these worries are entirely absurd to the rational part of my mind and I understand why such fears are nonsensical, but the emotional part of myself simply doesn't seem to get it! Does anyone else get this problem too?

I was only diagnosed with depression and pure o a few years ago, but it seems to me that my problem has at least some elements of social anxiety disorder...does anyone have any good advice on how I could deal with this problem? It's not that bad at the moment because I'm feeling relatively good, but you never know when another depressive episode strikes...unfortunately, as a student living away from home I absolutely cannot afford a therapist at the moment.
Any help is much appreciated.