It's getting only worth...(need support)

I hope today my family finally finds me a doctor... I don't know if it's OCD or postpartum psychosis, but it seems to me I could kill all my family and my newborn... I keep having those thoughts and sth like impulses all the time and it's hell... I think my family could be in danger or maybe not... I don't know anymore. I can't stop crying all the time and hiding diverse things - knives, laces. I can't bare if hot iron is on the table. I can't drink hot tea near my loved. I feel like I'm in the grave, in the darkest and coldest place in the world, I'm already dead.

Maybe I'm mad and I agree to be closed in mental hospital.They will
deprive me parental rights, my husband will divorce me, my parents' heart will be broken... My life is going to be totally ruined due to this f*cking mental disorder! I HATE IT!!!! Maybe I'm a bad person. the worst person in the whole universe!!! I simply hope I'll be in doctor's office ASAP.

I'm no expert but I know ocd can make you think things like this. Are your kids healthy? Well fed? Do they have clean clothes? Then you are a good mother, better than a lot of parents out there. i don't think anyone will take your kids away if they are healthy and happy. Maybe stress (lack of sleep?) is getting to you. you need to talk to someone.

Maybe you can try distraction techniques. It is supposed to stop the anxiety from intrusive thoughts, which it sounds like you are having. Do something else, watch a movie, play a game, go hiking. Start a project. Just suggestions.

Thanks a lot Yes my child is fed and clean))))
Your support really matters, it helps me to go through all this while
I'm waiting for my visit to doctor.

doctor refused me I'm desperate now i need to search the new one

I have heard that both post-partum and OCD can cause these thoughts. Can your family find you another doctor who might accept you?? Can you go to the hospital Emergency Department?? Your children will not be taken away from you for a mental disorder. Trust me on that one. What you have is treatable. Remind yourself it is not going to last forever. Try to keep distracted and focused on other thoughts until you get help. Keep posting here if you have to. Thoughts cannot hurt you or your kids. They are just ideas swimming in your head. It must be such a nightmare for you. Please turn to us whenever you need to. Keep us posted.

Actually, I've seen a doctor, he told that I'm a normal person and not dangerous! He advices me some mental techniques and also advised to repeat that these are MY thoughts but they are JUST THOUGHTS! He also appointed next visit. Just hearing I'm normal made me feel much better

I can't take meds due to breastfeeding, but still I can visit a doctor, and if necessary he'll appoint me some meds in small doses. I'm still not okey but it feels better to know I'm not mad. And it feels nice to tell someone about my problems. I mean someone professional. Hugs to all supporting me