[^Hunter S. Thompson^]

AND I PUT THIS IN THE WRONG FORUM

I think I just want to commiserate.
I finally have a blog but I'm having trouble figuring it out- once I do, I'll so this sort of crap there. Sorry.
So I was a huge pain in the butt just to come back to the forum and spill my guts. *sigh* I could use some... I don't know. The flavour of crazy that is most driving me up the wall lately is the Pure O crap.
If anyone gets it, please speak up. Please.

I seem to be jumping all over the place at this point: Anywhere from bordering bat country to just mildly off- it's a bit uncomfortable. For the most part it is internal stuff, as Pure O often is. The experience is... really icky. That may be the best word to described it.
It's not "gross". Gross is slimy. Gross is muddy; 7 year olds playing with earthworms after a rain storm; digging in the muck at the edge of a pond and picking up a cookie right afterward. But gross usually can slide off your hands with just a wet wipe.
Icky? Icky clings. A lot of the time it has grains of sand or tiny bits of gravel, maybe splinters in it, unidentifiable clumps. You can't wipe it on your pants and a wet wipe doesn't do the trick- the wipe gets torn up from the stickiness, you get it on your pants, true. But you also get fibers from your pants on your hands. You need serious degreaser soap. The kind kept out by the industrial sink. Then your hands smell like degreaser and ick and you are pissed because it took forever to get your hands "clean"- that is, not longer sticky but they still smell.

That was lengthy. But everything has a point. Also sometimes I actually fancy myself a writer, I'm definitely edging on crazy right now, and the writing helps. So give me a little room for that?

But having almost everything internal and stuck in my brain sort of concentrates the issues- it's like myself against myself. But there's the constant up and down, to and fro. From upright citizen to incompetent heathen- though of course I'm usually so good at camouflaging that the only person who can immediately perceive these movements is me.

At this point I'm not sure I even care where I land though? I just kind of want some sort of steady state for a little while so I know what I'm dealing with. It's difficult to settle in with any kind of "coping mechanism", establish a plan of action, rally the troops... if your target keeps moving. Dipping and weaving like some sort of malignant kite.

I'm really just in a such a crap state lately and very frustrated in, and disappointed with, myself. I'm kind of ignoring how really bad off I am and have been trying to do that for some time. And because I put my effort into that, and I'm fairly successful, everyone and their mother will be very shocked if/when I have to check myself back into the hospital program.

But, oh, I have a telephone interview for a job tomorrow.
I'll probably burn out fairly quickly, but i need the money.
So I am sort of between a rock and a hard place.
I'll take the job and whatever money I can manage to make before I become stark raving mad.

With any luck, I'll notice that i need to quit just before I'll need to be checked in.

People who don't regularly see a psychiatrist don't have to make these decisions. It doesn't even occur to them that they are decisions that even need to be made. By anyone, ever.

-Josie

[DePressMe]

Josie, I understand what you are saying. I appreciate how well you are able to explain things in writing--you have a special talent. I too try to make everyone believe I am doing well but I don't think I'm as successful with it as you appear to be. I've taken on jobs knowing I was going to burn out and hoping I would be able to see the signs and quit it before I totally lost my mind--but sometimes we got to do what we got to do when we need the cash. I hope you can get the cash and be able to get out of the job before your health deteriorates too much.

You said "But having almost everything internal and stuck in my brain sort of concentrates the issues- it's like myself against myself. But there's the constant up and down, to and fro" I can so much relate to that! My brain goes all over the place and I can never guess where it's going to be next or what it's going to be doing to me. Up and down up and down.

Please keep writing--reading your post has helped me.....D.