[nushi]

Hey everybody...

I don't know what to say or where to start from, but I'll give it a shot, maybe somebody will tell me a clue to my life...

I've been having OCD since I was a child, having different symptoms of it. But the most debilitating two are:

1* That every move or talk I have with any person, especially people who are close to me, I interpret it that he's trying to tease or harm me, so I keep asking him questions for why did he do it (ex., why did he say such a thing or looked at me this way, or bumped me) until he answers with a specific answer or says sorry in a specific way that relieves my obsessions. Of course, this makes me intolerable to people around me, that's why now I have to live in a house alone away from my family, so they could have a normal life, & I can't have very close friendships, & worst of all, any relationship I get into get messed up, so I'll never in my life get to enjoy being married & having beautiful babies. I'll die alone...

2* I've always comforted myself that even if I'll be alone in my life I could make it up by achieving great success in my studies (completing Master's & having PhD & scholarships abroad) & make it high in my work. But my OCD wouldn't leave me to even make it up through success in this. 'Cause I've got this debilitating obsessions of perfectionism, that I want to get everything perfect, extremely perfect without any flaws. So everytime I mess up something even if negligible in my life, like oversleeping & missing up studying for one day, or missing to brush my teeth, or spending some overtime on facebook to check something that I shouldn't check according to my specifically organized detailed way of opening websites; I end up my life; meaning that I stop doing everything in my life (praying, working, studying, going out with friends, etc.) & I disorganize my life for a coupla days or weeks to make it completely imperfect or messed up, & then I start all over again from the beginning a perfect organized life, & I start everything from the beginning, like for ex., I have to delete my facebook account totally with all my friends & start a completely new facebook account, & I have to put all my previous notebooks in trash & get a new notebook to start it from the beginning, or I have to abandon any books I'm currently reading & start a new book.

The problem is that this point has totally messed my life up & is hindering my success to make up for lost relationships. I didn't get one of the top in my class in high school (my dad always used to tell me that if it weren't for my OCD, my smart mind would've led me to be the top grade among all schools in the country), & I dropped out of medical school ('cause each time I stop my life, & start all over again I have to begin studying from page 1 chapter 1 in every book, that I got stuck all year just repeating studying chapter one & never getting beyond it), & although I finished political science college, but I didn't get in the top so I couldn't be appointed as a professor in college like I wanted. Now, I never get stuck in one job...

I went to over dozens of psychiatrists here in Egypt, but I can't find anyone who'd practice with me psychotherapy. All psychiatrists here just give me drugs, which never work for me, 'cause I can't find anyone to make psychotherapy with me. I searched for American psychiatrists to practice psychotherapy with online through email, but their prices are too high, I can't afford it.

Now, since over two weeks, I've stopped my life, I stopped going to work (which I'm probably gonna get kicked out of because I'm having severe obsessions with my work-colleagues since over a month ago), & I stopped studying my Master's (which I'm probably gonna get kicked out of, because it's been five years now & I can't finish my thesis because of the stopping/starting my life & perfectionism problem), & I'm sitting all alone here in the house doing nothing & talking to nobody & blowing my mind off with obsessions...

Now I have this strong urge to have a new start for my life by quitting my current job & searching for a new one & dropping out of Master's, so my new beginning would be completely new & perfect without any leftovers And anyhow, each time I get out of bed to start my life again, I stop & get back to bed, 'cause I can't find a reason to start my life again, since I know that I'm definitely gonna stop it again, & anything I begin (whether an activity, a sport, a new book, a facebook account, a new course, etc.) I'll never get to finish to the end, 'cause I'll keep stopping & starting my life till the day I finally rest & die alone...

[ocdwifeofsociopath]

It's not hopeless, and you are not alone. Have you looked up cognitive behavior therapy? And which medications have you tried? There are some that help with ocd, but no medication is enough by itself. I would start, if it were me, with forcing myself to not have to have everything perfect. It's not possible and therefore some things need to just be let go. Even if you feel you can't. Satisfy that need with something else. Something that you can make perfect. Go back to work. Without continuing to live your life, there is nothing to live for because you've taken it away from yourself. You can not say you will die alone with certainty because you truthfully have no idea how your life with turn out. there are always incidents and circumstances that occur unexpectedly and out of our control. Honesty, because of that I feel there is no point in giving up. Because you just don't know. Practice keeping your mouth shut. Bite your lip if you have to if you know it's too much and you will harm a relationship. You can stress and freak and obsess and have compulsions in the privacy of your home...Later. I know this is soo much easier said than done. It's what has helped me. There are ways to think that can get you through this. One of them is just finding the strength to get up, and get going, despite. You have friends here. Any time you need help, we will be here, and we will not get tired of your questions and quirks because we understand.

[spondiferous]

I was gonna say, CBT might work for you.
You are so not alone. I have OCD and it holds me back from everything to the point where I can't even start because I am so obsessed with picking the 'right' thing that I can't even get started. I don't have the impression that people are making fun of me or trying to harm me (to the extent you are describing) but I do have extremely disturbing and disgusting and intrusive thoughts almost constantly, not to mention counting, categorizing, and making shapes out of things. I can't focus on anything longer than a few seconds and I am constantly agitated.
I understand your desire to start out with a clean slate. However, I would caution you that if you just drop everything and move you're still not addressing the issue. If it's within you, you're just taking it with you. I would recommend seeking help for it and learning how to manage it before you attempt the other stuff. Not saying you can't make changes until you get 'well' (who the hell even knows what that means), but just that making life changes in and of themselves likely won't cure what it is that you're describing. I would talk to somebody about this: a doctor, therapist, psychiatrist, someone.

[nushi]

Thank you so much ocdwifeofsociopath & spondiferous for your beautiful replies...

Yes, I'm very happy in this forum, & sharing understanding & support with people having similar problems like me...

It's just that I can't find somebody who could practice psychotherapy or CBT with me here in Egypt. I've been changing psychiatrists & medications for around 15 years now, but medications don't work with me, 'cause nobody practices psychotherapy here. So I don't know how to find psychotherapy or CBT?!

I don't know also how to stop this "stopping/starting my life all over again" thing that hinders me from continuing my work, studies, & life activities, & I wonder if any of you know of a trick or way you learned of to stop it, maybe?!

Thank you so much again for your much appreciated & needed replies & support :*)

[Phobicperson]

First of all, you live in Egypt? Cool! :O Anyway if you really cannot find a professional to do CBT with you maybe you should do more research on how CBT is done then ask a trusted family member to do it with you. Not sure of that's a good idea but just something to think about.

[nushi]

Yeah, Phobicperson, I really live in Egypt

Yes, I think that's a good idea. I guess I'll research it over the internet, & try it with my mama...

Thank you so much Phobicperson for your support

[Phobicperson]

Haha no problem! good luck!