[IchbinkeinTeufel]

I wasn't actually going to see the therapist, but in the end, I did. I was telling my dad that I was wanting to cancel, and maybe get help for my anxiety instead, since I had been too much of a mess to deal with OCD properly, or so it felt. My dad wasn't sure what I wanted, nor what should be done, so he rang up the organisation that provided me with the psychologist, and told them I was unsure, or apprehensive and anxious, about the looming session. It turned out, that I spoke to a supervisor, over the phone, of whom was also a therapist, and he explained that, unlike my fears had stressed to me, she (my therapist) will not jump in head-first, which helped. We talked for a little while, and it really helped ease my anxiety and fears about the session. He forwarded some of the stuff we talked about, to my Psychologist, whom I'll just call Mel.

WARNING: If you struggle with intrusive thoughts of a sexual nature, the following paragraph may then be triggering.

The session itself didn't go too well, to be quite honest with you. I was very anxious, struggling to concentrate, tired, and it was very difficult hearing some of the things she was saying. Because we were on the subject of intrusive thoughts, she just casually mentioned how some normal people might get a thought of "sex with children" and various other examples, but that alone, hearing those words, from her, in that context, just knocked me sideways - I leaked a little bit from my eyeballs, and clammed-up. As you may know, if you at all follow me on PC, unfortunately, intrusive thoughts are a big thing for me, and have been for a very, very long time. Yes, my intrusive thoughts are primarily of a sexual nature, thus making them so sensitive and disturbing, inspiring more guilt and obsessive actions, like ruminating, seeking reassurance, physical compulsions, etc.

Mel gave me a task - sort-of like homework - and said that every week, or session, I will get a task to work through. My task for this week, is to simply write down 4 intrusive thoughts I get, preferably the ones that actually do really mess with me. Mel said, thankfully, that I don't have to give all the gory details to the thought itself; she actually said that this part isn't the most important part, but rather, she stressed on how important it makes me feel, and what I then do because of this feeling. I'm also, to tell the times I go to bed and I'm assuming also the times I wake up, because I mentioned how much I struggle with sleep, so it looks like she might help me out with this, or use that as a guide, to see how I am - I mentioned to Mel, that the worse my anxiety, OCD, and/or depression is, the more I will struggle with sleep, although, in retrospect, that was probably kind-of obvious.

So how am I, now? Well, I feel slightly comforted by Mel saying that thoughts akin to what I have, are apparently normal, but I really don't think I believe her; it's not the first time I've been told this. I just struggle to understand that for most of my life, I've spent so long running away - angry, terrified, guilty, and alone - from something that's apparently normal! Well, as she said, the thoughts might be the normal nonsense that goes on in the brain, but the frequency I experience them, isn't, nor is the meaning and reaction to them.

So, I mentioned my sleep - well, prior to yesterday, my sleep was very messed-up, and I was frantically trying to fix it, before the appointment with Mel, which I somehow managed, just in time. I was generally struggling with everything, so that (especially lack of sleep) made eating properly, exercise, and easing up on the stress, somewhat of a Mission Impossible, without Tom Cruise, who was a pretty good pilot, until he had a crisis of confidence, then meets a woman who shows him the error of his ways, or a pretty good cocktail maker, until he has a crisis of confidence, then meets a woman who shows him the error of his ways, etc.

[Travelinglady]

How's the therapy going now? Are you feeling better about it?

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

I'unno what to say, really. I guess I feel like it's helping, but it isn't easy. Drawing a bit of a blank.

[Nicks_Nose]

Hi! (((Zwang))) I am a beginner at OCD and intrusive thoughts, but, I do know that learning now how to control them is vital to recapturing control of my life and helping my loved ones feel less concerned. I also ruminate, stress, and become agitated and it is very embarassing now to realize how it has affected my behaviour socially, privately (with family), and professionally. I know how much this can hurt you. Try to be patient with yourself and reassure yourself that this is medical and not a personal choice of yours and there is no need for shame or guilt if you are trying to take steps to balance your thought patterns again. Your feelings simply nidicate that you have a conscience and that proves you are a good person Zwang. Don't be too hard on yourself. Try to be patient and take the baby steps the therapist suggests and if you have any difficulties, the therapists appreciate the attempt and communication, even f you find you can't complete it.

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

Cheers, Nicks Nose.