[agvd]

Hi my name is A.

For the past months ive been dealing with severe ocd/hocd. Fearing im gay or that im going to die which results in alot of mental checking, anxiety, stress and headaches everyday. When i was younger i also had ocd in physical form, turning the water on and off, turning the lights on and off a few times, and closing the cardoors a few times, simply because i thought if i didnt, i was going to die. Even my girlfriend doesnt know how to help me anymore. First off ive never been gay and never had an attraction for guys or fell in love with a guy. I always lived a happy straight life and thats how i will always live it, ive always fell in love with girls, only had girlfriends and im only attracted to girls. However when i thought pops in i usually start panicing and i got my own mental rituals to keep myself a bit calm

However yesterday my girlfriend got pissed because all we seem to talk bout is my ocd atm. Its interfering with my social life and happiness. Im disgusted by the thoughts i get i never desire to do anything with a man simply because that is not me and never will be. I had one night of success 2 days ago, i let the thoughts come, i didnt check and didnt perform my mental rituals in my head and for a few hours my headache was gone and i felt alive again
It wasnt long since the next day it came back in full force.
Im sick and tired of these thoughts. I know i'm not gay and never will be yet these thoughts keep bothering me.

Today a new thought popped up. Im pretty ashamed of typing it but i had a sexual thought about my dad. However i didnt picture it in my mind fully, a thought came up: you should picture it fully otherwise you cant perform your mental ritual. I didnt want to think about those images or thoughts yet i was anxious because the fact it felt incomplete to me and in my head i couldnt perform the mental ritual. So i pictured the disgusting image in my head and then well yea i paniced, i felt grossed out and even worse then before. Why did i think about it again? Well so i can perform my mentual rituaI and feel more calm again that its just in my head. But this time i actually thought about it, and yet when it still unwanted i dont wanna think about those things, i dont wanna picture it before i can start to check or in my mind i have to do a mental ritual to keep me calm. I would never do such disgusting things, not with my dad, any other family members or do gay things. The fact that i pictured the image in my head again makes me feel sick and anxious. Why did i picture it on purpose? Because of my ocd so i can do my mental ritual, i know that but i still feel sick and disgusted. This might sounds totally insane but thats how far my mind goes at this moment.

i feel at this moment like some sick person who cant control his thoughts anymore. I just want to live my life, no more mental rituals,no more disturbing thoughts about sexual family members or gay thoughts. Im losing my mind at this moment. Sometimes maybe its better to all just end it. I dont know what to do anymore. Please help me.

My ocd has taken its turn for the worst, it keeps coming back stronger and im losing my mind.

[Phobicperson]

Who have you got to talk to? Are you seeing a therapist? It's not your fault <3<3

[fayeste]

I know exactly how you feel. Having these thoughts about being gay does not make you gay, seeing as OCD puts thoughts in your mind that are abstract and have no relation to what you really intend or believe in. I have thoughts of cursing people or people dying. Like I sometimes imagine people I'm talking to at that very moment dying as I speak to them so I can get to the next thing, although I never actually want their death, the thought just pops into my mind. You should seek help if it's every night you have these rituals. But it does sometimes leave you, as my rituals have, because my mind just thought, what's the point in thinking that anymore? At the time of having the rituals, it feels like they're necessary, but at some point they won't bother you, I promise, and you won't feel compelled to do them.

I wish you the best.