[sukothefox]

I fear failure. I fear the disapproval of others if I get to fail. I constantly question my sanity and intelligence level, and any mistake I make makes me fear that I may have an intellectual disability, despite the fact that I get straight A's in college.
I am scared of being cognitively disabled. For example, the other day I forgot my wallet, and after noticing I began to question my IQ and whether that psychologist who said I was gifted was right at all.
I constantly check facts on books and the web to make sure I got it correct. I don't want to have the wrong facts stored as memories, because once a memory forms, it often can interfere in something called "retroactive interference".
Even when I am barely starting to learn something, I attribute my mistakes to some form of mental deficiency, when obviously, my left side of the brain knows I am just a beginner.
And that makes me either quit, or continue until I achieved what I wanted. And sometimes it isn't enough for me.
What brought me to post this here is this. Today I forgot one step in a trigonometry problem, which was a square root. I know that I haven't encountered such problems for three years already, but I started to loath myself, asking how is it possible that I couldn't remember that. My dad even was kind enough to say that I was stupid. Stupid! Ugh... I remember that a few days ago he asked me this: "If you think you are so smart, answer me how is it that birds can navigate in flocks and never collide?" I quickly answered that birds have a magnetic sensor that enables them to navigate using the Earth's magnetic field. He just kept silent and continued eating his food.
The point here is that I forget about my own victories, the times I am successful, and just remember the little all too human failures and interpret them neurotically.
This literally interferes with my reading, since I am constantly thinking about not failing. The worst part is that I can't tell my parents, because they would never understand, and always come up with vapid answers such as "well, just think positive, son!". I can't think positive.

[Jolisse]

As human beings, we'll never be perfect. Stop putting pressure on yourself to succeed at everything. Work hard and do the best you can, we all make mistakes and that does not make us stupid.
Accepting the fact, that you'll never be perfect will take away a lot of the stress you're feeling.

[manxcatwoman]

I feel the same way and wanted to post a comment about my feelings regarding my intelligence. I just didn't know how to put it into words.

I'm questioning my reply even as I write. I reread my comments and can't find a mistake until after I post. A lot of editing takes place because of it. Thank God for spellcheck.

I hate going through this all the time. Thanks for your post.

See, I had to edit my reply. Darn!

[sukothefox]

It is horrible because it stifles my creativity. It makes me less spontaneous and often even makes me look as if I have a speech impediment. Of course I understand that within the context of English not being my native language, mistakes will occur, but you see, OCD is such a cruel *****.

[Faking sane]

What you are describing sounds like something that I have experienced as a gifted individual, too. Academic things were just too easy to master, and it makes us wonder why our lives don't work the same way. Life is different from semantics; that's why.
It can be difficult to live with an intellect that makes our NORMAL human mistakes feel out-of-balance. We tend to constantly second-guess ourselves, wondering if we did a thing just right. As for myself, I believe that this quest for perfection came from my mother, who tried to live out in my life everything she thought she had failed in her own. Any time I disappointed her, I felt like I had utterly failed as a human being.
It was not until my therapist took an Iowa test assessment of me as a 9-year-old and made a bell curve out of it that I finally began to understand.
Yes, I was highly gifted (in the top 2 1/2%) in the areas of knowledge of vocabulary. My parents and teachers called this "my potential". They failed to mention that I was within the average 90% in three areas, and in the "learning disabled" (lower 5%) category as far as application and analysis were concerned. This meant that, although I had vast knowledge, I had no idea how to use it. I still don't. Not right now. But, the big thing is that I no longer hate myself for it.
I know that in my case, the expectations of my authority figures played a HUGE part in my personal feeling of inadequacy. I don't know how it is for you.
I think that these concerns with perfection are related to OCD. As for myself, they have been driven for 44 years by my "perfect" (NOT) mother and my father, who was oblivious to her physical and emotional abuse to myself and my sisters. Again, I don't know about your situation.
But the upside is that you CAN learn to figure out what is good enough for you. You can relax, enjoy your life, and make mistakes like every other human being on the planet. It is OK


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[Bigmike727]

Hi, I have the same obsession with my intelligence and perfectionism. I fear that doing certain actions or even eating certain foods will decrease my intelligence. For me, my intelligence is all my life is made of, it's the only thing that has gotten me this far. I know I shouldn't be one worrying, considering I scored a 31 on my ACT with a 35 in English and 34 in Reading (my math destroyed my score :P) and have numerous Subject Tests that I have scored well on and have made it into a great college. I guess it is a characteristic of my OCD to always doubt and be paranoid, I am also a big checker. The Prozac has helped me with this greatly though, it helps me stay in control. Anyways, I wish you the best.

[Restin]

S-Fox, I saw one clue right off in your post. It was your dad saying " if you're so smart, then tell me...." That's a hurtful approach of his right there. When you are especially intelligent, it easily gets so that's what your self worth is based on when you were a little kid and people would be impressed by things you could do. They would say, "Wow, that's good"; and from that, you know you're good too.

Seeing it from another angle, many women who are beautiful totally base their self-worth on their looks. And even if not so blessed, many women go to great pains to do hair, make-up, clothes, etc. Then they go into depression with any displaced eyelash, and even more depressed as they get older and start "slipping". And it doesn't help that it's reinforced by men. No ridicule intended, as I've been through that, too.

So, whether you're a man or woman, it's risky to evaluate yourself by such bell curves as "authorities" design to judge us by. Personally, I think a good therapist can help someone with these concerns better than anyone else.
I know because I was gifted and became an obnoxious smart- mouth even at age 8. My family was horrendous, though, and my breakdown at age 30 brought my ego to a crash & burn. But I know I'm smart anyway and sorry I have to hide it and act dumb to fit in socially.

It helps to run with the people who think like you do when you can find them. I always wished I could go to Pacifica University in California where they have a Carl Jung curriculum. Maybe those people would understand, and I could become a perpetual student there. (just dreaming).

But I hope you can find your way, Fox, and believe in yourself, be patient with yourself, and know that you and your gifts are special even if you make some mistakes. BTW, Einstein was wrong about a number of things, and so were Neils Bohr and Feynman. I enjoy reading biographies of well-known geniuses to see their "human" lives, and it doesn't diminish my awe of they. ...<<see, I made a spelling mystake there, and I'm going to leave it like that just for practice at being wrong about something.

[sukothefox]

I agree with all the posts above. I tend to engage in the attribution bias, which consists of attributing reasons for our behavior or beliefs which are different from the reasons and causes we attribute to other people. Some do this in a self-serving way, and others, like myself, in a self-deprecating way. I have the irrational tendency to attribute my successes to causes other than my own dispositions. I tend to think it was just luck what made me be successful at something.
OCD in part consists of engaging in some of these cognitive fallacies (often knowingly), besides parts of the brain not functioning correctly