OCD spinout

Nov 18, 2013, 01:45 PM

I hate this.
i can't sleep lately.
Like I'm going 40 hours without sleeping. Then I crash for 7-12 or more, getting up for a couple hours here or there. Then it happens again. Part of it is anxiety and part of it is that I feel pretty bad physically and when I do sleep it's because I'm so exhausted the "discomfort" doesn't keep me up.

But I last woke up... 330 on the 17th. I think?
I don't know.

And it's not a huge deal, except.
except.

The OCD crap is creeping up fast.

And it's Pure O in nature.

Which means I can't chat about it, but i REALLY need to. But in chat my brain starts yelling at itself.

I'm annoying. I'm annoyed that I'm annoying. I say into the chat i feel annoying. But that's attention seeking behavior so I don't say anything for a while, but that's annoying because it's like I'm expecting people to react or respond a certain way. I'm not, but it's annoying. And then I say something else. And it's wrong. So I try to correct. And that's wrong. And then I mention that I'm having some OCD difficulty, but that's NOT OK and everything goes as absolutely code red as red can ever be and I start spinning out of control.

There have been times where I am just thrown into this ridiculous illogical logic problem, a mobius strip of debilitating mental precision where I always say the wrong thing but i have to keep saying something to make up for the last thing I said but that is always wrong as well. And I can never know what the right thing is, but I ALWAYS know when something is wrong.

Panic panic panic.

If I don't submit this now I will erase the whole thing

FREAKING OUT LIKE OMG AND I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT BUT I KNOW EXACTLY WHY

FrayedEnds · Nov 18, 2013, 02:02 PM

wow....I could have written that myself
I know this doesn't help, but I totally understand.

(the stress over spinout being 1 word or 2 made me choke on my tea - thanks a bunch

)