[Tonyh]

Hi,
I have had OCD most of my life, though was officially diagnosed more than 20 years ago. I may have more going on, but OCD for sure. I have my ups and downs, typically with 2 to 4 years in between major episodes. Unfortunately for me, its not about washing my hands constantly. Its about superstitions and false beliefs. During my good periods my OCD is there, but its filled with thoughts of being all powerful and being able to mentally control situations through the power of thought. Good energetic thoughts bring results that I want. If it weren't for the fact that it worked, I would stop believing it. But, the reverse is the same when I am in a down period. I wake up on day believing that a negative curse is affecting my life, and I try not to think of it and pay it any mind. I find myself fighting with it, and eventually something gives. Lets say I develop a sore neck one day. Well I will look up sore neck, and lets say I find that Multiple Sclerosis causes sore neck. Within that week, after looking at all symptoms of MS, I will actually develop and feel every single symptom of MS. In time, after convincing myself that I definitely have it, I go to the doctor, just for the official diagnosis. When he eventually doesn't find that I have it, I feel he is a quack and has no clue what he is talking about. I wind up seeing specialists, hospitals, you name it. Then after about 2 months of living as if it were my last days, I somehow come back to reality and realize its just me. I have had every disease you can think of, and my latest one is Parkinson's. I wake up with tremors, difficulty walking, you name it. It is incredibly difficult for me to accept that it is OCD. You see, I somehow believe that my life is based on either a curse, or good fortune. And since curses are possible, then it is not impossible for me to magically develop these diseases. On my last visit to the GP, he told me that maybe its time for a psychiatrist. I felt mildly offended for some reason, as if he were calling me crazy. But I have to admit I need help. But.. times are tough for me. I'm late with my bills and trying to make things work. I cannot afford a psychiatrist right now. Yes I have insurance, but I have a copay of $50. I would imagine my first visit will be to shake my hand, ask me how I'm doing, then schedule the next appointment followed by "Fifty bucks please". My GP can prescribe medication, but I'm not sure what would be best for me. I was once prescribed Zoloft and it was a horrible experience. I felt ill and very depressed the entire time, for 6 weeks, before I had had enough.
Anyway, my superstitions lead me to believing in curses which leads to believing in my demise. I need help, yet don't see an easy way out of this. Its been this way for 2 decades.

[vans1974]

Sorry to hear!! For me, OCD is a complex chemical illness which requires medication to manage it...I like Luvox/Luvox CR. Best of luck!!

[Tonyh]

Originally Posted by vans1974

Sorry to hear!! For me, OCD is a complex chemical illness which requires medication to manage it...I like Luvox/Luvox CR. Best of luck!!

Thanks for the recommendation. I look into it and ask my doc to try it out on me. I can't seem to shake off this episode. That nagging feeling... you know what I mean

[avlady]

I think you're just scared you will get these diseases after reading about them, so subconsciously mimic the symptoms. Just pretend that these symptoms aren't there and do the opposite and think positive.

[Tonyh]

Originally Posted by avlady

I think you're just scared you will get these diseases after reading about them, so subconsciously mimic the symptoms. Just pretend that these symptoms aren't there and do the opposite and think positive.

Oh I know its just in my head. I've been this way for more than 20 years now. I go through periods of a few years where I am ok. Then suddenly become preoccupied about being ill, and its all down hill from there. Its how I was originally diagnosed with OCD. I obsess about illnesses. No matter how hard I try, and how much I try and be rational about it all, once I start on the path to believing I may be ill, I become completely convinced that I am ill in some way. Sounds crazy, I know. Its funny that I know I am this way, yet it still happens.

I have moment where I am too proud to take medications for it. But at times, such as now, I have to accept that I may need it.