[saveyourself1]

I find whenever I get impatient and want to say something right away and dont give in I get stronger. I feel more motivated and self-controlled. I really like to feel I have power. But there are some things im powerless over. I have lots of negative thought patterns and verbally destructive tendencies that come up at certain parts of the day, or week. During these times im way more likely to eat junk food, watch pornography that degrades men and/or women and also act rashly towards others. I have phrases in my head that come from the messages communicated to me in childhood such as, "Youre a *****, *****, ****, *****, etc." Or its more specific to certain behaviors, like "dont smile, people will just call you names and take advantage of you". I also notice though, it depends on the people around me. Thats why I think the best cure is simply to be around healthy people, but also to write theae thoughts out, or act them out when youre in a more deliberate mood so iys predictable. I notice I really am pretty helpless to chewing on my fingers at night. I think its a mixture of anger, nerves and having things on my mind to talk about. This is where im in a pickle because my mother always had huge problems with her life and chewed her fingers out of nerves. I did this as I got older, around seven or eight when I started realizing how ****ed up and difficult my parents were and how inefficient I was as a result of communication. I bullied people because thats all I knew how to relate with others. When I was nine I made fun of my friend, told him no one likes him and he has no friends. I kept going until he cried and only then did I stop. Somewhat out of guilt, I didnt think I had the power to make people cry and I secretly liked it. I finally found somewhere that I had some control. I really liked that. But I didnt like hurting others. However, it wasnt strong enough to stop me at the time. I was also severely, continually bullied. Women were my greatest weakness. They told me I was 'custy' or 'crusty', that I was nasty. I had to hold my farts in to prevent being humiliated and this one girl would look at me and call me nasty. I feel like I begin to hurt others when im not directly focused on them and being more spontaneous. Its like I learned so many crumby modes of behavior that I ended up automating being bullied, bullying others, keeping quiet and saying the 'wrong' things. I think the best thing to do is to make fun of myself, but in a realistic and not self-attacky way. As well as knowing whats okay to say with others. I do this quite well, but again, when I let loose I notice people get offended or ignore me. I think this really has to do with a lack of friends, but I dont know.

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