[PC1984]

I like my environment to be orderly, and I like to perform tasks to perfection, one main problem I suffer is that if I cannot achieve the level of order I need to I am uncertain if I can complete a task to satisfaction I have a tendency to procrastinate or refuse to do it...

Not keeping my environment orderly or in control causes me distress but it seems less distress than attempting to and failing. The same thing with not doing a task compared to doing it and not reaching my standards. This is clearly dysfunctional, and prevents me from doing many thing I want to do.

I am apt to study theory and I practice to improve my skills and knowledge to reach my desired degree of competency in an given area but this seems unrealistic for life. Also the ebb and flow of life causes chaos, often interfering or denying the time to accomplish tasks to my satisfaction or reducing control of my environment.

I have children and a wife and other people also impact on my ability to keep the house orderly and there needs (by necessity) impact on my organisation of my days and cause me distress and in turn distress to them and family function.

I can to some extent tackle this, through planning will power or managing anxiety I can reduce its impact or force myself to perform tasks that are necessary but I find it taxing and it does not reduce the distress this situation causes. I also have General Anxiety Disorder, Bipolar I, and will be undergoing extensive Psychological Assessments for such things as HFA, AS or similar issues... Needless to say the distress impacts on both Anxiety and Depression associated with Bipolar.

My main question is can anyone relate to this all or nothing situation? Have people with OCD experienced similar things or is it something else?

[PC1984]

Is there a method to edit posts? I want to correct some mistakes I have made in the post, I didn't review or edit it before posting.

Yep. I relate so much, my ocd makes any work virtually impossible - it's an A* 100% or nothing at all. I'm trying to work to change this, as i am not capable of getting such good results anymore since i missed out on education whilst in hospital.

[sideblinded]

PC1984, Hello and welcome to PC.

Many here can relate. I used to see things as black and while but my background stems from a childhood toxic environment and not OCD issues. I learned to be a perfectionist but I am also working on that. You might want to look into your past and see where these tendencies might be coming from. Getting therapy may help as well. I wish you the best here on PC.

[BeaFlower]

Welcome PC1984. My symptoms aren't exactly the same, but I can relate a bit about perfectionism, though I can keep it quite under control. If it prevents you from doing things and makes you suffer, you situ need help. Could you see a therapist?
Wish you all the best

[CANDC]

Welcome to Psych Central (PC). I can empathize with being an overachiever. Trying to be the best. It is disappointing when that does not happen.

Some people at PC will find a therapist will help them. Some people find the forums give them the compassion and empathy they seek. http://forums.psychcentral.com

There are articles that go into more detail about coping
Psych Central - Trusted mental health, depression, bipolar, ADHD & psychology information.

Please feel free to private message any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

[PC1984]

I am seeing a Therapist, doing CBT and Mindfulness for Bipolar and Anxiety, it's an issue I want to raise with my therapist, but there are lots of things to discuss and I don't want to derail learning management skills with talking. I have a bad habit of turning my therapy sessions in to talk therapy rather than focusing on useful Techniques. But this is an issue I want to raise because it is really paralysing me. I have learned to manage my Anxiety and monitor my Bipolar so I want to move onto this topic, the issue is that I would be actively doing things that cause distress and anxiety and even with my new tools and experience that is draining, I am still limited in what I can do, and I have to juggle what I can cope with. This can also cause problems when unexpected things happen day to day that cause stress or anxiety that I have to deal with especially if I have actively raised my anxiety tackling day to day tasks. I want to get back to some tertiary study as well in the near future, science or engineering again I have been on disability and my skills have lapsed.

I have found it helpful to make short lists with reduced goals for a day, I have some physical issues as well to take into consideration, so I make it clear from the outset that the standard is to just have the job done at the basic level and that I don’t have to complete everything on the list, then at night I can see what I have done and focus on congratulating myself on my achievements rather than what I have failed to do. But list making can be a dangerous endeavour in and of itself; I can caught up in preplanning and list making... another form of procrastination.

I am also looking at an extensive neurological assessment, the aim is to see if I have issues with various types of empathy and emotional recognition or regulation, as well as broader social issues. Asperger’s has been mentioned as a possible problem for about 25 years now but I have not investigated it. So I am not sure if something like that might play into it. Another issue is I have always maxed various IQ and Analytical Intelligence tests I have taken, there was a stark difference between me and most of my peers from an early age, it was alienating, but I was in a position that I could pretty much do what I wanted to do as far as intellectual pursuits in school where concerned as long as I was interested, but for the most part early school was very boring, so I would sporadically do excellently if it was stimulating or just not bother. I also had a bad habit in high school of punishing my teachers if I didn't like them by letting them know what I was capable of then not performing, it was petulant and I certainly have a level arrogance about me which is sometimes displayed as disdain for superiors. But I have always had an attitude that if a job was worth doing it was worth doing right, the flip side being if you’re not going to do it right then don't do it at all...

My Bipolar might have played a big part in setting a pattern in this regard; I have had bipolar symptoms as long as I can remember, though I was only diagnosed at 34, misdiagnosed and mismanaged for about 12 years. It has a seasonal component and for a long time I could not identify Hypomania or Mania as a thing, I knew depression was aberrant but I though Hypomania was how one felt when things where good. I interpreted manic euphoria as happy, this might be an issue related to a lack of ability to interpret and identify my own emotions and relate to empathy issues with others; that I mistook manic symptoms as positive emotions but was unable to identify positive or negative emotions correctly when I was “Normal” outside of mania or depression... Hypomania would be sporadic a few times a year mostly spring and summer with a long period of depression normally in winter time. I spent a long time trying to figure out how to be Hypomanic because I thought that was happiness... Anyway the swings also regulated periods of either little or excessive productivity especially at the age of 16+.

As for family life, I am not sure, my Parents were both career professionals my father an Engineer my mother in Medicine, Radiology, the hospital was also a teaching hospital and next to a prestigious university and involved in a lot of research. This was at the time CT then MRI where introduced into medical imaging. Both my parents worked hard my father and mother coming home at 7pm or 8pm with my mother also doing shift work and being on call for emergencies. She was the first qualified to use the CT then later the MRI and for those periods she was frequently on call.

Up until I was 10 I had been in various after school care but there were incidents that got me in trouble at various times, unfairly in my opinion as it was generally associated with reactions to bullying, something I have never been able to abide, if it is directed at me or others. I eventually convinced my parents to let me go home via bus. So I would spend a good 3-5 hours alone most days or occasionally with a friend. I had few friends but they were all close, I think it was more my selection criteria that limited this and I preferred one on one play to group activates when I was younger, a pair of twins being the exception. Though most of my time was just spent alone, quite happy with Lego, books, old school sci-fi like Dr who, documentaries, monkey magic and what few anime where available on TV, and later computer games or programming.

In high school I hated the playground, I was lucky in that I grew early and was both taller and stockier than anyone else, it protected me from bullying and I in turn protected my friends, it’s the first time I had a group of friends. I set up a gaming club working with the teachers, at lunchtime we would do tabletop gaming mostly Role Playing, I think it was the structured environment of gaming that allowed me to participate with a larger group socially. For the most part I was the leader I guess, I organised with the teachers the club and the room, I was responsible for people’s behaviour (it was my head on the block so to speak if things got broken in the classroom or people got hurt) so I choose who could and could not participate and set the rules, this suited me it allowed me to control my environment.

We had many people who wanted to participate, I guess it was lots of kids who were disenfranchised or bullied, and to be honest I probably seemed like a bit of an arsehole because only about 6 people as a total where allowed in, and I kicked a few out at times and replaced them or refused people which upset quite a few. But I honestly don't think I could have handled a larger group anyway and no one else wanted to run it from what I could tell. I also for the most part ran the games, as games master, I crafted intricate worlds, used what I knew of geology, geography, anthropology to bring them to life I would spend hours working on stories and make believe cultures and characters. Years 11-12 become a lot more chaotic though, I think my Bipolar played a bigger part in those times as did my anxiety and social problems, I am not sure how trigger warnings work so I won't detail much but I flip flopped from top of the class and wining state awards (I never wanted to move to the national awards thought the school tried pressure me to do so, the state competitions where harrowing enough from a social anxiety perspective, and I hated getting presented the award at school gatherings.) to failing or not participating much the following semester. I had changed from a sporadic achievement system based on interest and engagement to a boom bust cycle based on cyclic seasonal depression.

So I guess any or all of those might have contributed, the main thing is I know what I am capable on an intellectual level I have trouble coming to terms with the limitations introduced by mental and physical disabilities and the chaos of life and other people...

(Also I have take to editing and reviewing in word, as the errors in the first post are still bothering me, if anyone knows a way to edit posts please tell me.)

[BeaFlower]

If you want to edit posts you can click on the red triangle at the bottom of the post, on the left

[Queenb2]

Yes I am a perfectionist too. I feel it at work, with co-workers, my friends and my family. It drives me crazy to be around people who mess up all the time. I feel I always have to be the best at everything or else I won't receive love and recognition. I feed off the admiration of people. It's good to know there are others with similar feelings.