[OCDCara]

I don't know if I have HOCD or am just in denial. I'm sorry this is so long and sometimes dumb, but I wanted to share my story and ask about your opinion. Sorry for any grammar mistakes - I'm from Poland.

Every day seems worse and worse. I've been diagnosed with HOCD, but I just don't know. I don't do many compulsions, it's everything about the thoughts, they making everything so real. I am a female and 21 years old. I've always liked boys since I can remember, never girls. I remember being jealous of some girl friends but it is common among kids (it was like: "why she's playing with her and not me or i must always be in the spotlight as a child). I must admit it, I've watched porn, straight porn and sometimes gay, but never lesbian. I just couldn't find it interesting. I wanted to look at men. I've imagined loosing my virginity to a guy, who I really love. I am a very romantic person (or I was before HOCD (?) hit me). I've had crushes on guys older than me. Guys in my age feel like immature, but I've had a crush on my classmate like two years ago (I'm at university now), even though he was immature. I missed him from time to time. What it's bothering me, I've never had sex, not once. It's because I didn't feel there was a "right man". And now my HOCD is questioning everything, like you didn't have sex with guys because you're lesbian, duh! But I don't want to have sex with girls (Or I do? sick) either. Can someone believe that is straight for 21 years and suddenly become gay, becausehas watched some random video on youtube about a girl coming out. I feel sick. I can't even think straight. My life is torture now and I don't know how to deal with it. I used to be a happy person (not always I had my ups and downs and it begins "by accident" always at the end of August / beginning of September). I feel anxious 24/7. In the evenings I'm super tired of the thoughts I have. After waking up my first thought is: "I'm gay" and it's just so depressing because I don't want to be gay. I used to read novels, when man loves some woman and vice versa and I would feel so related to this. I used to sing along with my favourite singer about guys etc, used to watch titanic and crying after Jack. It was so intense. But now I just feel like I've lost my life. Like another person is living my life. I don't do typical "checking". I used to at first by watching some straight porn and masturbate to it, but because of my anxiety the fear won't go away and I can't focus. Everything seems so weird right now. I don't know what ist true anymore and what's not, like my life is a lie. Wouldn't I always know I'm different that others? And now the hardest part: That HOCD (for real?) took from me all my attraction to men. I am so disturbed, because I read actually all the stories about people with HOCD and they know deep inside thy're not gay and it's just thoughts. But I don't know. I know I was attracted to men. Before sleep I have imagined myself in guy's arms, having sex with them and just all the feelings and I was hoping to have someday man, who would treat me good. I'm in a very bad mood. When I cool down (sometimes it happens, but very rarely - usually just and only before sleep I know like I alwways have, no doubts, no anxiety but I have to not to think. Like I have to lay and just sleep. When some thought is coming to my mind I push it away - even when it's happy thought, it's because I don't want anxiety come again to my mind. It's like constant worrying about whether or not I am gay or it's just HOCD. But does HOCD feel so real? I have this psychical pain in my chest, like my heart is tied up. I don't know what to think. I know I don't want to be with girls, it's scary and awful and I've never even thought about it, that is not my nature. But on the other hand - this feels like I can't fall in love with some guy and it's just awful. What I've dreamed of, wanted, desired is now questioned and I don''t know if it's my brain or just... I don't know what. I would like to mention that I've been struggling with some depression 2 years ago when I have moved to another bigger city than mine. I wasn't questioning my sexuality but the future, which is uncertain. I was scared that my parents will die soon (they in their 40ties), I used to come back to home checking if my brother has changed (he is now 14 years old and growing so fast, my little brother), scared my dog will die soon, scared that I will be alone in this world and I will find nobody, because everybody are in relationships and i'm not. I used to think that I am disgusting and awful that no man would love me an I will never be able to fall in love because I'm so depressed. I couldn't even find myself in a relationship, I don't even know why, It's just like blank space. After a couple of months I used to be okay and my romantic side has won. I would be able again to dream of boys.It came back one year ago (again my university stuff began) but it wasn't so intense as earlier. I've felt anxious but I could handle this... And I did. And here I am. Struggling with I don't know what, being depressed, crying, just reading about HOCD over and over, doing anything for myself, avoiding watching tv, tv shows, reading books, going public in fear of "falling in love with a girl" wihich I know is super irrational. In October I'm going to study in Germany for half of a year and maybe it's starting now? Or maybe not? I just don't know what to think and I need help. I look at every girl now differently I used to admire them, but not being attracted to them. I've always considered girls beautiful and of course was jealous, because I'm very girly, I love make up and clothes, I want (wanted, now I just sit at home being depressed) to look hot for guys (for girls too because I wanted to show that I am pretty and I loved every gaze at me of it was woman or man - now i'm scared of everything, because I was always considering "is this girl more attractive than I am?"). My grandma said that I can't find a guy because I act superior, but it's not me......

Is it HOCD? How can I be sure having no sexual encounters in my past? Has every HOCD sufferer that "denial phase" or backdoor spikes? I don't feel ok with feeling lesbian and it's making me depressed, how it is different for a real gay person? DO you know that? Shouldn't a true gay person always feel admiration and attraction for the same sex people? Can I be gay not knowing it my whole life and always crushed on boys? Feels like I'm loosing my mind. Hope you will read this, I've asked so many people on different sites about my case, but they told me what I already knew, so it's very confusing. Writing this I don't feel gay, I feel straight but still anxious but I see this anxiety is more about that I have never had so close to me, like a boyfriend and I just really badly want it.

And something funny:

When it started like a weak ago or so one night I had a dream about having sex with a guy and I really orgasmed. I woke up and was still feeling it and liking it (like wtf?)- it was my proof that I'm really straight. But then I really panicked about this lesbianism and I still have doubts, because why I have this thoughts and this anxety in my chest? Is it normaln for HOCD?
The other night I had a dream about having sex with guy and I really loved him and we had a baby in this dream and I was so crazy and in love with him. I woke up and liked it. But then again - my anxiety came back. Since then I don't have dreams and day by day it's getting worse.

Thank you. I really appreciate if someone's decided to read this. I really do! All the love, C.