[astrocat4]

I'm a 22 year old guy.

Possible trigger:

To start, I was a crack baby. By all rights, I should be either dead or handicapped in some way.

But instead, I am smart and healthy. Since high school started, my social skill and self confidence have been dwindling. I've never been a social butterfly, and I was overweight my whole childhood, so my self esteem wasn't great either. But since moving out of my parents' house, I have pretty much become a shut in. I only go to work, which is part time at a warehouse, and to the store once a week, or to the gas station to get cigarettes. I'm okay with one on one conversations, but large amounts of people and initiating conversations or keeping them going make me panic. I smoked pot from the time I was 17 up until I was almost 21, because I felt empty, but the pot made me worse. I smoked it every day, and it made me feel unreal.

Possible trigger:

I also got urges, and acted on a few of them. They were bad, and I regret one of them when I think of it, so I don't think of it.

The other one I do not feel bad about. I feel like karma is out to get me because of these things. I've been mugged and beat up and have been in 4 accidents withing the last year. My hygiene has drastically decreased recently, and I feel empty and hopeless a lot of the time, and like I have no future. I have episodes of sleep paralysis and sometimes hear what I think are muffled conversations outside my house, but I think it might be me hearing my air conditioner and thinking too much about it. I'm very afraid of hallucinating, and hear loud internal thoughts when I lay down. These thoughts come out of nowhere and don't relate to my own thoughts. They are things like nonsensical phrases said by strange voices, buzzing, and laughing or screaming. I chock this up to my brain falling asleep though. I've never hallucinated while rested. I sometimes get afraid of hallucinating and believe that I will see or hear something, and that makes me more afraid, and so on. I've tried online dating, but each time I do, I fall in love with the girl almost immediately and do stupid things like buy her a tv or start telling her that I don't want her to start ignoring me out of nowhere, and it always ends soon after that. I've given up on it. I am a good writer according to past teachers, and believe that I will become a famous author, but I'm not sure if it is a delusion or not. I feel like I'm destined to do something great,

Possible trigger:

or something very bad because of the urges I get.

I don't feel much empathy for anyone, and rarely feel anything but sadness or anger, and I've had no appetite for the past few days. I've been eating a few slices of bread and taking multivitamins instead of eating. I know I have a lot of self hatred, and this has led me to make some weak attempts at suicide,

Possible trigger:

namely posting ads to get someone who is wiling to kill me. I even got someone who was willing to torture and murder me, and I was so excited, sexually, and overall. I knew it would hurt, but it would have been amazing. I see a murder like this as the most intimate thing, and I want that. I also used to cut myself quite severely, as well as burn, but I stopped when my cuts were too deep and began tearing open at work for a week before healing properly.

I'm just looking for someone to help me understand what I'm going through, because to seek out help, or to let anyone know what I am going through would be weak and selfish.