[A7xDT]

Hey, I'm new here, and pretty much signed up just to get some insight on this. Starting a little under a week ago, I've been feeling very... Weird. Vague, I know, but I'll elaborate. One night I had a nightmare of my parents dying. I woke up to the sound of my dad calling me to breakfast for pancakes, so obviously I was relieved, but still quite shaken up. I had been feeling very emotional toward my parents ever since. Here are a few examples: I was in my room one day putting away laundry, and I looked at a picture of me and my mom when I was little and started sobbing; I've been hugging my parents and telling them I love them more than usual (I normally do that quite a lot, which is odd for a 16-year-old these days); When I have little arguments with my parents (again I'm 16, so that's bound to happen) I start profusely apologizing immediately after and then once I'm alone I start sobbing. That alone alarmed me, but there's more.

Possible trigger:

A couple nights ago I had a dream that I was... mutilating my kitten while on the porch with my family, who for some reason didn't find it alarming, and neither did I. Horribly enough, I actually found it fascinating in the dream, just looking at the bones and... It makes me shudder. On a side note, I've always been fascinated with disections at school, like frog, pigs, etc. and I'm always the only one in my group to actually touch the scalpel. And I just remembered, the day before the dream, I had actually gone kayaking with my two uncles to a little island in the bay by their house where I wandered around a little and found some dead birds (I originally thought they were seagulls, but the size, feathers, beak, etc. suggested otherwise. As you can tell I'm a biology nerd), and started poking around their broken ribcages curiously with a stick to see how they died. Come to think of it, they were mutilated in a way similar to the kitten dream.

Could that have any relevance? Anyway, when I rescued this kitten (her name is Penny), I immediately fell in love and bawled my eyes out when we almost had to give her away. I woke up from the dream horrified, disgusted, panicky... I've been feeling so emotional around her lately. And my dog, Lily, too. Lily has a bacterial infection over one of her eyes, and bad arthritis in her hips and knees (the poor old girl turns 13 soon), so I've been worried about her anyway. She and Penny aren't quite fond of each other yet, so we keep Penny in the guest room for now, where I went down to see her after school today (I did my homework right after, don't worry). I was doing my usual routine of feeding her and petting her (she's too skittish to cuddle really, but I hope she'll get comfortable enough; it's only been three weeks since she's been part of the family), when I remembered that awful dream, and looked at how tiny and frail she was under my hand, how easily I could hurt her... I started to cry. I started to panick. Luckily no one was home to see me bolt upstairs to my room where I sobbed for 15 minutes thinking, "What is wrong with me?" "These are horrible thoughts; I'm turning into a monster!" and finally "...I need some help." Now I do have a therapist (been seeing him since I was 5) and a psychiatrist, but I'd rather not alarm them until I'm sure it's something serious, which I'm afraid it might be.

Possible trigger:

I have a history of anxiety/panic attacks/voices/depression/cutting/suicide,

and I've been free of all that for almost a year now, so this might freak everyone out into thinking all that's being replaced with something more twisted... I don't know. And ever since the kitten dream I've been thinking along the lines of what I thought while petting her. Just contemplating how easily, in one fell swoop, I could seriously

Possible trigger:

hurt or kill

my cat, or my dog, or my parents, or my friends, or myself, on purpose, by accident. I'm terrified. Who thinks like that? I understand the part of my thoughts that contemplates how fleeting life can be, and good health is something to be grateful for, because it could all go away in one instant... I feel like someone might interpret that as a reaction to a death of a loved one, maybe? Well the most recent one was my grandmother (she had Alzheimer's and was dealing with a serious stroke, and she passed away with the whole family around her, and me right next to her head...) with whom I was incredibly close, in April. But I don't know if that has to do with anything. Anyway, I think I've covered everything. Sorry for the ridiculously long post; I just wanted to give all the information so someone can have a better chance at explaining this to me. Thanks in advance.

[M3233]

I don't think your dreams are abnormal at all. We all have crazy dreams and wake up thinking "what was that?!?" (Although I don't know much about dreams and stuff). Kinda like how all people have random bad thoughts, but people with OCD are the only ones who pay attention to them. However, your reaction to them could be something to look into if it causes you serious distress. I too, had a similar problem. I saw a therapist when I was super young and then years later my OCD got really bad and I was afraid to speak up. You just have to remember that they are there to help you!