[goldenbuddha001]

Hello everyone, I am a new to this forum but I’m not new to obsessive-compulsive disorder. I had my diagnosis last year it was confirmed by two psychotherapists and by a psychiatrist as well as having borderline personality disorder. At the moment I am struggling with the volume of intrusive thoughts and obsessions which seem to be playing out. They seem to be quite prominent at the moment which I can only surmise is due to me currently withdrawing from diazepam that I took over the Christmas period because it was a stressful time being away from home etc.

I am quite insightful and knowledgeable when it comes to my condition although I am currently struggling trying to rationalise things. Even though I am used to having intrusive thoughts about everyone & anything and they are heightened currently like I say with coming off diazepam etc There is one thing that is really troubling me at the moment & that is a harm obsession towards my mother which is making it difficult to be around her.

It's making me feel that I don’t love her. I feel like my mind is tricking me into thinking that I don’t actually love her but that I hate her which is making me obsesses/ruminate even more. It’s a vicious circle that is causing great distress which leads to further intrusive thoughts. I just feel numb and when I ask myself if this is true and try to rationalise it I can’t seem to make sense as to why, the real root cause behind the obsession. Is there underlying anger? etc. I just feel that this is taking over my real self and taking over the rational part of my brain and I just don’t know what to believe anymore. I feel genuinely detached from my real self and I am terrified because having the intrusive harm thoughts is one thing but then thinking that I dislike and hate my mum is as equally distressing. I’m trying my best to keep occupied and busy at the moment by attending a lot of self help groups through the week and I’m waiting for long-term therapy.

I guess I could just appreciate some feedback as to what you think this could symbolise. I know obviously you don’t know me and I am willing to expand on any questions that you have to put my way but I just am just really struck with this at the moment and I don’t know if it is normal to feel to this degree the way I feel with me questioning my emotions & feelings towards a person because I have not come across this before regardless of my knowledge and insight. I know that there is a likely chance of it being further psychological trickery playing out possibly to get my attention but I’m just curious to see what you think and would appreciate any advice/feedback on the matter. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

[Paracelsus]

Personally I think it's great you live in an area where self help groups are available through out the week. I wish there were some in my area. What does long-term therapy involve?

I have no idea about the route cause or symbolism behind the thoughts you described. but luckily there are a lot of ways to extinguish anger with meditation for example. I haven't even discovered the origin or source behind my intrusive thoughts either. maybe you don't need to find out why the anger is there, but find a way how to dismiss it out of your mind. I was taught to first identify it as OCD and basically second distract myself with something else. Over time it gets better just continue to utilize your ability to use logic and reason and it'll minimize the severity over time. Good luck