[XWarriorPrincess5]

Hey guys. I was wondering if I could get some opinions here, as I am not sure whether certain things qualify for certain symptoms, if that makes sense. I never considered OCD until very recently. I took my sanity score (I don't put much faith in them, they are interesting though) and I was really surprised that the OCD column was 75, higher even than my depression. So I started doing a little research out of curiosity. I noticed several things that I think I fit the bill for, but I'm not sure how much "excessive" is, for example.

The major thing is picking. I've bitten and picked my fingernails for as long as I remember. I do it ALL the time, and my nails are always stubbly and torn. I make myself bleed, because I just HAVE to get that nail off. Sometimes I carry bandaids with me so I'm not sitting in class bleeding all over. I also pick the skin around my nails, and cut my cuticles obsessively. It doesn't look pretty. I also do the same to my toes. And if I don't have anything left there, I check my face for anything I can pick at, then my neck, arms, chest, back, anything. And I recently in the past 6 months started picking my scalp as well. I especially do it when I'm laying in bed at night, and sometimes I make my head bleed. I also scrape the dead skin from around my nose and ears, and clean out underneath what little nails I may have left constantly. I just have to be doing something to myself! It's embarrassing, and if I can't get it just right I get this horrible, sick, panicky feeling in my stomach.

Besides that, I do have some over the top worries, but I'm not sure if they qualify. I live in a very safe neighborhood, but I am terrified that someone might break into my house, especially when I'm alone. The doors are always locked, and even when I know they're locked, I have to go check. But I only check 2-3 times. I'll admit I have on multiple occasions heard a sound and had to walk around every single room with a knife and my dog and check. Same with my parking brake, and the lights on my car. I absolutely always put the parking brake on, but sometimes, even when I'm in the shower, I'll suddenly think "What if I forgot to put on the parking break and the car rolls down into the street and causes some kind of accident?" and it's so persistent I have to stop what I'm doing and go to the window and look. Same with the lights. I'll park and be halfway to class but then I have to turn around just to make sure the lights are off. And I have to actually feel that they're off, just looking at them isn't enough. One other thing is my phone. I'll put it in my bag, and right away (if I'm going somewhere) I'll have to check it again, and I have to feel that it's there or I'll start panicking, even though I know I just put it in there. I repeat this every minute or so. Now I usually just carry my phone in my hand or a sweatshirt pocket so I'm reassured.

I've always had this persistent fear that I'm going to get kidnapped/raped, ever since I was little. As I said, I live in a safe neighborhood, but I'm super paranoid walking anywhere alone. I walk my dog at night, and I have to be carrying mace (just to go around the block) and I'm constantly checking my surroundings and imagining possible scenarios and escape routes as I'm walking. I also have always imagined possible things that could put me in more danger as I'm escaping danger (i.e. running to a persons house to escape a kidnapper, and the person who helps me actually ends up being worse than the kidnapper) It's pretty ridiculous.

For cleanliness, I think I'm more cautious than the next person, but I'm not sure if it's over the top. I do wash my hands a lot though. And if I did something particularly dirty, (changing a dirty diaper, handling raw food) I will wash my hands 2 or 3 times in a row because they just don't feel clean. I do worry about all the possible ways things I'm eating could get contaminated, but not as much as when I was younger. Ex) if something is over my food, I picture all the little germ particles falling into it. Or if someone sneezes or I flush a toilet I picture all the little spray/germs flying through the air.

The last thing that really struck me is the invasive thoughts. I know they're not too uncommon, but most people I've told about it seem like they have no idea what I'm talking about. I guess I'm not so much afraid I'll consciously do something, but it's more I'm afraid I'll unconsciously do it. For example, when driving I'm almost afraid that I might just cut a red light and cause this multiple car collision, or just plow down a pedestrian. The biggest one is when I'm standing at the edge of something high up. I'm always afraid I'll jump off of it, and I hate falling so it doesn't make sense. I guess in general really disturbing or violent thoughts come to my head and it's weird and I don't know if it's normal.

Sorry this was ridiculously long, I'm just unsure and don't want to talk to my psychiatrist about it until I understand it better. I don't really care for her in general. I know you guys can't diagnose obviously, I was just wondering if these would qualify, or not? By the way, I'm super disorganized with most things! Thanks

[coyotee]

A lot of that sounds pretty familiar. I'm sorry for what you are going through. I can relate to a lot of the scary stuff you mentioned.

I was worried about telling my therapist that I suspected I had it because I figured self diagnosing might be wrong, but actually he was okay with it, it was a good icebreaker in a way. They want to know whats on your mind, so if that's on your mind, it's okay to talk about it.

I still have trouble figuring out if particular things are excessive or within some realm of normal. It's very subjective.

[XWarriorPrincess5]

Thanks for your reply. To clarify, my therapist is great! It's my psychiatrist who I really don't care for. The way she reacts makes me feel like I'm making things up. She pretty much wants to hand you your prescriptions and get you the heck out of there in 10 minutes tops. I'm already prescribed 2 antidepressants and vyvanse, and I don't even feel like bringing anything new up. I'm trying to switch to another psych, but it's hard to find people with openings. I will bring it up with my therapist though thanks!